parenting

i am fascinated with children and child education. i have worked with children in nursery and kindergarten for 11 years, and raised 6 of my own children. for me it is a mystery. i would love to know what those little human beings are thinking when they do what they do. so much of my time here is also just observing the children, expecially from ages 1-3. since i don't understand their language or any of the verbal interactions with them it is just from body language and common sense that i try to follow the sequence of events that leads to crying or nagging or hitting or shyness or whatever. and naturally it is fascinating to watch the adults here in this foreign environment and how they respond to the same actions that characterize children all over the world.

typical to most balinese and especially one family i spend alot of time with seem to solve any issue by giving the children something sweet, which usually involves getting on their motorbike with the child and running to the nearest warong to buy something for 10 cents to quiet the unhappy child. but i have noticed this is a pattern here, with lots of junk food being given and eaten by the children all day. and it works. but it is much more involved than that. the children, from about 6 months old, seem to be very independent and sure of themselves. they are truly like small adults and get angry when things are not done according to their wishes. it is as if there is an old soul inside of them that they are in touch with still and that demands the respect it deserves. and i think the adults realize this too and accept it and do not treat the children as if they need to be educated. and possibly just like they feed the evil spirits twice a day sweets and tasty rice offerings in order to keep them happy so they won't bother us, that is also how they treat an unhappy child. and the adults seem to be like big children, just playing around among themselves all of the time.

most often it is the paternal grandmother that raises the children. in other cases it is the oldest child that raises the younger ones. they are responsible for feeding them, changing their clothes, putting their shoes on, occupying them, running after them, calming them down. it is a great set up since they have infinite patience, love their brother or sister dearly, and are not busy anyways. i have never seen any of them complain or refuse to care for their younger siblings, even if it means carrying them back from the crashing waves that the little one year old is running towards, over and over again. no explanations given, just lift them up and place them somewhere else. they also are not usually given something to play with, just moved to another place where they will occupy themselves with discovering the world around them in their own way, until they needed to be lifted to another place and placed down again.

the kids walk around with pocket money and go on the main road to buy sweets themselves from the age of 4. some even drive the motorbikes with their younger sibling hanging onto them from behind from the age of 10, on the main road, bringing them back from school or somewhere. no helmets, no license, just very independent children that are like adults in small bodies. they are all quite friendly and feel comfortable among people of all ages. television is definitely one of the favorite baby sitters here, with cartoons in foreign languages that the children can't even understand, or top ten music shows or fashion channels. even just sitting is a popular pastime and totally acceptable. i have never seen parents or other adults trying to "educate" the children, other than waving their hands and telling them to say "hello" to me. other than that, whatever the child is doing is acceptable, even if it isn't! when i asked why no one reprimands or tries to rationalize and explain to the child why his actions are wrong or harmful or polluting the environment, i get stares of surprise, like "why would we do that?!" there seems to be a general consensus that everything is fine just the way it is, and if it is supposed to be different, it will be. using the brain and rationalization is not part of their mentality. they think from their hearts, and prefer not to think too much from their brain. "thinking too much is not good for you." is a comment i have often heard, and seems to be the basis of their existence.

when i asked my balinese girlfriend about it she had a different take on things. she said that westerners seem to have a "ruler" inside them, and the asian people have rulers outside of them, telling them what to do. it is difficult for her because she wants to follow her heart and sees things that are unaccptable here in bali, "i do not want to be like the shadow puppet plays here in bali, with someone moving me around and speaking for me. i want to choose by myself what actions and words to say and do." she is considered egocentric when she does so, and she does stand out from the usual quiet flowing communal efforts that are made by all in harmony and without any sense of ego involved.

i spoke with another western friend who opened up a resort a year ago and has a large staff of 45 balinese. i asked him how it is going. his response was that if he knew it would be such hard work he wouldn't have done it. i asked what is so hard, and his response was that managing the staff is impossible. " they are like little children. no one takes initiative, no one wants responsiblity. no one will tell the truth because their sense of loyalty to their fellow balinese is more important than their job. no one wants a better position because it will cause jealousy among the "friends" (fellow workers) and the friendship is more important than the raise in salary or better position. i knew that what he was telling me is the same familiar story that i hear from all the expatriats that are living here amongst the balinese and trying to do business. the approaches i have seen until now, that do not seem to work, are either being very domineering and insulting and angry with them or trying to be their friend and sway them over. his response was a very interesting one. "we need to be their parents. that is the only kind of framework that has any validity here. they can come to us with whatever problem they have and they know we will listen and love and accept them and help them, and together with that, they look up to us with the respect given to parents." i thought it was brilliant! i had asked so many balinese how they deal with terrible two's or rebeling teenagers, and the response was always to just love and accept them and it will pass. also the sense of responsibility towards your ancestors is deeply ingrained in their religion and before taking any steps or doing any ceremony, a person first goes to the family temple to "notify" the "parents" (an altar) that they will be doing so and so, or staying out late tonight, or need help.

the main thing that characterizes almost all of the balinese that i have met until now is their seemingly lack of stress. they laugh at most everything, they are not trying to control things, they don't seem to have expectations. and harmony takes top priority. probably living in a family oriented society with cousins and other relatives around the house all the time gives a sense of security and love. this morning i was by my friend and saw her old father in law farmer sitting on a bedframe in the garden with an even older shrivelled up lovely smiling woman. he was busy speaking with her, as she just sat attentive and smiling like a little girl. on her other side sat another man i know who was gently massaging her back with his right hand on her pink brocade blouse. i asked who these people were. she said that the woman is her father in laws sister, who is 80 years old and lives alone, not far from here, but they haven't seen each other in a long time and because of the ceremony today she has come. i had never seen her father in law so talkative! and the other man was the younger brother. the three of them looked just like three little kids sitting and playing together.