reality is a choice

i had just finished publishing my last blog, and was feeling the sparkle of life, and i opened up an email from my daughter. she only wrote a few sentences, concerning the political situation in israel, and when i lifted up my head, all of reality had suddenly changed. what had been multi-dimensional and glowing and filled with light, was suddenly flat, thick, material; the trees, leaves, sea, air, buildings had lost all of their light airy quality. i tried to shake my head, to get "my" vision back of how i have seen the world until this moment, blinked my eyes, thought i could just push it away and get back to REALITY! but no...

i had to shower and do my round of gratitude since it was now dusk. It is usually a special time of being in a fine flow of wonder for all that i experienced this day, for all of the abundance, nourishment, love, and beauty. but this evening i just went through the motions, searched for some words that would make sense when put one next to the other in my mind, my connection with a Source was gone. i could see what was happening but i couldn't understand it fully.

at night i awoke suddenly and was listening to the noise i heard; planes overhead....ah, yes, that familiar sound whenever there is war in israel, but i am in bali, why are there planes overhead at night? i dozed off only to awaken again a little while later and again heard the noise. as i listened to it i noticed that my huge arched thatch roofed ceiling, which usually fills me with a sense of openness and air and security was no longer there. it had been replaced by 2 wooden walls, and a sense of insecurity, that anyone can enter through the open front sliding doors at any moment. i heard some noises and stayed still in bed, trying to figure out if there is someone in my room or outside. i heard a meow and realized it was just a cat. a few moments later i recognized that the sound that i thought was planes overhead, was actually the same waves, clashing on the shoreline like always.

it was then that the understanding came. i realized that G!D had just allowed me a hands on experience of how sadness, fear, doubt, scarcity, worry, insecurity, all create a view of life that is very material, very temporal, very empty. and that when i am full of gratitude, wonder, joy, love, faith, connection, light, happiness, fun, openness, my reality is totally different....even though i am in the exact same surroundings! how awesome! i am the only one that chooses how i want to live my life!

when i left my room at 5:15 to watch the sunrise, i saw that i felt like it was as if i had never been outside before. i could choose to be afraid and small and closed down, or i could choose to be full and open and joyful. all of reality was just there....in front of me...the sea, the orange sky, the fishermen and their boats, someone making a bonfire with leaves, someone walking on the shore....and i can feel safe and embraced in the wonder of mother nature, or stuck in my contracted mind full of fear and future, and empty.....i remembered that it is also what has happened in the past when i would hear of someone suddenly being killed, or dying....my world would suddenly close down, be almost non existent; stuck in emotions swirling in my head and stomach, having lost touch with the here and now, which is always perfect.

so today the challenge is to "find" my way back.....i choose to stay in the Light. is it possible to feel the sadness or mourning, (since i was just notified that my ex-brother in law just died of a heart attack) and not to close down, not to lost contact with the force of life?,

the third stage of life

"Vanaprastha. The third stage comes when one’s children arc settled and can look after themselves. It is time for the middle-aged couple to become vanaprasthas, or those who retire. In modern parlance this means that the time has come for one to detach oneself from worldly desires and attachments and retire to the sylvan peace of contemplation meditation and spiritual pursuits."

this morning when i was watching the sunrise, and again in awe of G!D and the pinks and oranges and light blues and clouds and sea and silhouettes of some men on shore fishing, i thought "this is all i need in life." and i asked myself; why is THIS what you need? where did you imagine this scenario before that it is what you feel so at home at? i remembered how already as a teenager i was a hermann hesse devotee, with his book "Siddhartha" being an important turning point in my life. i have no recollection of the book or story now, but i just remember feeling that it was mine, from some other life.


a few months ago, when i was trying to explain to those around me my desire to live in bali, a friend commented that i "must have an old eastern soul". i know that at university i specialized in art history of the far east. when i moved to israel in the 70's i began to meditate and do yoga. it seemed to be the path as i searched for something that i knew must be there, but didn't know what it was. a few years later i began a long period in which i studied hinduism, reading the sacred texts. i was fascinated by the idea that at a certain point in life, you just leave your family and go off to live a life of contemplation. what?! someone is allowed to just stop working and "reflect on life, in nature"? i wondered what the family does when the adult just goes and does his thing!

and as the days roll by, each full and beautiful here by the sea, following the phases of the moon, and the ebb and flow of the tide, and i will be returning to my family and friends in another week, i remembered the "third stage". i am returning here again for another 4 months after the family visit. i know it is where i am supposed to be and what i am supposed to be doing. after ordering the plane tickets yesterday, for the upcoming trip, i realized that something had changed. a constant small voice of doubt and guilt had vanished. for the past month, every time i tried to order my plane tickets, something would happen just as i was about to press the enter key to submit my credit card details. first a loud voice of doubt came scurrying by saying: are you really sure those are the right dates? it sure seems like a long time! maybe too long, no? and suddenly i had doubts, where there were not doubts a minute before,and then when i would go to press the enter key, either there was no longer an internet connection, or my time had suddenly terminated on the site, or my billing address in israel was not an option, or the fantastic deal i had just found was suddenly no longer available. i am happy to say, that i found it quite humorous. day after day, i searched and tried, with emails to friends, with new ideas of travel companies, etc. etc. and each time, the same thing....the voice of doubt, which was getting quieter and quieter, and some "act of fate", made it impossible to reserve flights. i would be in the throes of 15 tabs of different airline companies open and trying to mix and match all the cheapest flights with the least amount of time to wait, and visas, and i felt like someone on a tight rope doing a juggling act at the same time. and i kept saying to myself; there must be another way. i do not want to have to order tickets like this on the computer. and together with that, i have to do the footwork in order to live my vision. if this is where i need to be at this stage of my life, i need two feet on the ground also, that arrange the practicalities.

gratefully i was able to laugh about it each time, and try again another time. and kept reflecting and wondering what it all means....what is my lesson here? and yesterday, i made another attempt. yes, it too demanded creative solutions and many emails and the internet being a rascal again and again as i needed to reconnect, but something was different this time. there were human beings involved, answering my e-mails about prices and times, and not just a computer form. and a calm had come over me, in which the cheapest flight was no longer top priority, but rather, what would be most peaceful and simple, even if it does cost a few hundred dollars more? what will make this a pleasant experience as i trust that "someone" is pulling the strings of this scenario, and what role am i in?

the voice of doubt was no longer audible. the clarity that this is what i need to be doing at this stage of my life, was simple and true. i could no longer write letters to family and friends hoping for their approval or understanding of me. reality here had filled me up each moment with such clarity and peace. and this morning when i sat out on the stones on the shore, watching the beautiful sea and waves and sky, listening to the lapping of the waves, feeling the nice breeze and pleasant weather, and feeling so "at one" with it all, i remembered that in hinduism there is a stage in life that is meant just for this. a stage in life where i no longer am living and working and using money daily, and having to support my family.

and as i was swimming in the pool, which is my "dreaming time" everyday around noon, floating on my back on the warm water looking at the exotic garden around me and grateful grateful grateful, i suddenly thought; if someone asks me what i did in bali everyday, what am i going to say? that i didn't do anything? that i just sat around, looking out at the sea, meditating, studying kabbalah, doing tai chi on the shore in the morning, hoola hooping at dusk by the waves, journaling, making offerings of gratitude from the banana leaves and flowers and sprinkling water on them as i pray to G!D in gratitude for the people and nourishment to body, mind and soul, drawing mandalas on baskets and stones, teaching english to the balinese staff, jumping on a trampoline at sunset with my earphones as i study indonesian, helping the fishermen push their boats ashore as i walk by collecting the plastic, and just sitting in the little thatch roof platform opposite the sea and detaching myself "from worldly desires and attachments and retire to the sylvan peace of contemplation meditation and spiritual pursuits."

also in my kabbalah studies and in many other paths in life i have come across the "law of attraction" that means that we manifest that which we can see and feel as true. that the greatest attraction force that pulls manifestation into being is the feeling of fulfillment from what we have held in our mind. when i began to realize that i was done being a potter, what i envisioned was just "being". i just wanted to be, by the sea, in a warm place, without money, without a car, home, without responsibilities, without having to work....and here i am.

i am a firm believer that if our heart is singing to do something, then it is the thing to be doing. it doesn't mean that the whole way will be easy, or that anyone else will like it, but it will be what I need to be doing now in life. we can all dream anything that we want!

sound

a priest, a man and his wife and 2 young sons had just walked past the resort on their way to the temple next door. i realized that soon i would be hearing the chanting and ringing of the priests bell as the ceremony began. so while i was exercising on my porch, the ringing of the bell by the priest, began. it was so lovely. i regretted that i hadn't planned my morning more in sync with the sounds, so that i could have been meditating at the same time that he was ringing his bell, and feel what it feels like "inside" when it rings. but, the ringing only lasts for 10 minutes or so, so i knew i lost my chance. i continued on with my tai chi by the sea, and again heard the bell ringing. hmm...this is a special ceremony, ringing the bell twice. as i did the tai chi it was easier to "listen" and what surprised me was that it was as if a "universal" tone. it fit in perfect with the sound of the waves and the peace within me. i tired to figure it out. what note was it? how could it be such a perfect sound, uniting nature. the ringing went on and on and i could feel how the same ringing tone, from every bell of every priest here in bali, is putting out a specific vibration into the air. just like when the ice cream truck goes around and it creates a certain response in those who hear that same sound every summer, from every "good humor" ice cream truck in detroit. and it even surprises me to realize what the name of that ice cream truck was!? Good humor! maybe that is why i am addicted to ice cream?! it was always related to "being in a good humor! and maybe that is why i am addicted to hearing these priests ringing their bells here in bali....because the vibration vibrates at a specific vibration that is like the ice cream truck....something that i love and want more and more of, that brings me a nice feeling inside, that makes me feel connected to something much greater than my own small world. is it the note "C" in the middle of the keyboard of a piano? why is "C" the middle? the ringing continued on and on even while i went to meditate, and i saw how perfect it felt. all was ONE. nothing airy fairy, just ONE.

the following morning, the accapello voice of one of the chanters rang through the air at 5 a.m. as usual. it was one of my favorite melodies. it reminded me of a sean o"connor song. i saw how lovely it is to wake up to this....rather than to an alarm clock (not that i use one) and what a way to start your day!

i also realized how the constant sound of the waves crashing on the shore, was very soothing to me. i always sit close enough to the sea so i can hear it as my background music. it even made me laugh once when someone offered to give me a reflexology treatment, and asked me to arrange some nice background music so that i would be relaxed. being the obedient person that i always am, i found something on my laptop and put the speakers up, as he began the treatment outside by the pool....only to find that why in the world would i want some "canned" music, when the wind, birds, and sea are surrounding me?! everyone else would be recording exactly my surroundings in order to use as background music for people in a room getting a reflexology treatment! i didn't need some recorded music to relax....i am here on purpose...so that my background music in life is nature, and not the sounds of machines, or cars, or televisions, or recorded music. it is this live, real sound of people and life and live instruments that touches my heart. it is the quiet conversing between people, laughter, chickens, pigs, bells, singing, that fill the air and leave their mark on me.

i read an article the other day about "boxes" by rabbi nathan segal. (www.nathan.net) and i suddenly found a kindred soul that put down in words what i felt, but didn't understand why. he said that we go around in boxes all day; our car, school, house, workplace, even synagogue! and i realized that here in bali, i live outdoors from 5 a.m. until 8 p.m....no "boxes", no walls, no doors, no windows....just out in nature, hearing the sounds of nature, and life. the temple is just a courtyard....there is no building to go in to. and there is a feeling of unity, of connectedness because of the sounds that are in the air all the time....the gamelons that are playing now are ringing out from the deceaseds' house and everyone knows it as they hear it ringing in the air from a distance. sound....

out at sea

one of the guests wanted to go out in a boat to see dolphins and i decided to join him. the fisherman met us at 5 a.m. and got on board....which means, a boat which is as wide as a large tree trunk that has been hollowed out, has a little piece of wood laid across its' width and that is the seat. i was in the middle, next to the motor with our smiling balinese fisherman at the back and the austrian man a few inches from me, at the front end. i understood now how the balinese can make fishing boats from tree trunks...because they themselves are usually thin and tall, so no problem. i, on the other hand, felt squeezed into a chair that was way too narrow for my feminine pelvic bones and was scrunched like that for our 3 hour ride. a good reminder to lose some weight.

the fisherman started the motor a few minutes after we had passed the coral reef near the shore, and what followed was an hour and a half of exhaust fumes being blown into my mouth and nose since the wind was going in that direction and i was next to the motor. the sea was very still, which i was grateful for, since the day before it had left the dolphin seeking guests nauseous because of the big waves. i had always wanted to go out to sea, and not just to the right or left, and here we were, going straight out to what until now seemed like fairy land.

the sky was still dark and the friction from the bamboo side poles hitting the sea so fast caused a kind of visual electric effect so that the water was lit up like with white fireflies all the time! i tried to focus on things other than the sensation of burning in my clean lungs and throat from the gasoline fumes, thinking i could control my mind beyond this matter. eventually we were watching the sunrise too. but after an hour and a half out at sea with the noise and fumes i was beginning to think that this dolphin boat ride should be marketed a little differently, and should just be called a sunrise boat trip, so as not to disappoint the participants since there really aren't any dolphins around.

just as i finished sharing that with the austrian the fisherman gave a little yell and we looked to where he was pointing and recognized some fins that were slightly different than the waves that they resembled! yeah! dolphins! the next hour was filled with us looking out 360 degree for any more signs of dolphins. each time one of us would point and say "there!" and i would yell out with glee like a little kid, as i saw the pods of dolphins swimming so beautifully along with the waves, allowing us just to see their tails or fins or sides, but not their face, and then after flowing in and out like that for a few minutes they would again dive down and leave us again searching for signs of another group somewhere. i even got to see one of the little ones do a twist in the air. and it was lovely seeing how many of them were together each time, in totally different areas out at sea. and just realizing that there were tens if not hundreds of them, romping around. it was lots of fun, and a welcome reprieve allowing me to forget about the fumes and focus on the playful dolphins. as we headed back to shore, the wind was in my favor and i could just enjoy the view of the north coast of bali from a distance, and also the gratitude for having been around all of those dolphins out at sea.

another aspiration of mine was to see how the fishermen really fish for fish. i love seeing how people "do " things. so the following day i was out early collecting plastic from the beach, and i saw a friendly fisherman starting to push his boat, alone, over the rocky shore, out to sea. i offered my help, and he accepted. together we quickly and easily moved it. he then hand motioned me if i want to go out fishing with him, YES! my answers are always yes. i never think. first i say yes. in his broken english, and my broken indonesian we managed to understand each other. he was going out for 4 hours. Yes! but suddenly i remembered that i needed to first put the morning offerings in place showing my gratitude for the abundance of everything we have been given this morning, (their way of prayer before eating) so i told him to wait 5 minutes. i ran back, quickly changed into temple clothes, got the little bits of bread placed on the already cut squares of banana leaves on the tray, and quickly did my "rounds" of gratitude, ran back to my room, changed clothes again, and ran over to his boat, grateful that the balinese call time "rubber" since you can stretch it....which i had just done, with my "5 minute" request. i thought, at most, he won't be there. so what. but he was, and i jumped onto my little seat again and he pushed us out and jumped onto his.

this fisherman was a little chubbier and i noticed that he didn't (and couldn't) sit on the seat, so he just sat cross legged on the sides of the boat allowing him to stay easy going and not confined. i had seen him face to face the day before, as he drove off on his motorbike and said"goodbye" in english as he passed me on the shore. and now that we were in the boat together i realized that this was the fisherman i would see every morning from my sunrise spot on the rocks at shore, as he would push his boat out alone some 50 meters from me. and each time i would think "ah, i should ask him one day if i can go out with him, since he is alone", and usually there isn't room for a guest when they are 2 fishermen. so here was my wish being fulfilled.

as i looked at him i thought that he looked alot like the fisherman that has his boat right in front of the resort, and i asked him if his brother is a fisherman too? yep...right in front of the resort. but this man was much nicer and spoke some english and had a very happy cheerful attitude to life, so i was glad to be with him. he apologized for having to turn on the motor, once we passed the coral reef, and i thought "oh no, again!" but luckily the wind was blowing in a different direction and i could just enjoy the ride. he had painted this old motor pink, which made me giggle; a pink motor! and out we went.

after a while he turned off the motor and started to get his bait ready. his fishing rod; a spool of fishing line, with 5 ends to it, each with a hook and bait! clever! if you are already throwing a weighted line out to sea, why not give yourself more chances?! he had brought some small squids as bait and looped them onto the hook, three times, for safe keeping. he sunk his line and held it resting on his index finger in order to "feel" if the fish are biting and thus quickly bring it up. we were out to fish red snappers. he had caught 2 big ones the day before here, and so he was trying his luck again.

now and then we spoke; english, indonesian....and also were just quiet. he pointed to the landscape of mountains which are the backdrop to the northern coast, and he said that the small mountain behind his village of tejekula is "little pyramid!" suddenly i looked at the layers of mountains in different eyes, and could see how he would call it a little pyramid. but it made me smile to think how this simple villager that has never left this island, and maybe not even the village, would think about pyramids! but i decided he was right, and maybe that is the specialness that hovers around this village!

after about 15 minutes at this spot at sea, he raised the line, and found the bait still on the hooks, but someone had eaten the fishes head. he laughed. then said " no strike". which made me laugh. how in the world did they decide that that was the word to use if you caught a fish?! they certainly don't have either bowling nor baseball here! again the motor went on and he chose to sail over to where another fishing boat was nearby. "we go to my friends". i was surprised that the friends didn't mind competition for the fish. but just laughed and asked each other if they had a strike or not. at one point we suddenly saw alot of jumping about at sea, and he said "tuna". and a big circle of fish were making lots of waves as they caught small fish at the top layer of the sea. i asked him why we are not running over to try and catch some. he smiled and said, "no have for tuna, only for snapper", meaning, you need a strong fishing rod to catch a tuna, and all he had were his 5 hooks on his reel of fishing line.

that is how the next hour went, moving from place to place to wherever his friends went or recommended, since he kept bringing up the line and either finding it with all the bait on it and said " fish sleeping. ha ha ha" or bringing up the line and no bait on it and saying "little fish eat! ha ha ha" (and since they were little there was no tug on his finger letting him know that there were fish eating the bait). the day before i had visited a german couple that have a villa on the sea only a 10 minute walk from me, and they said that at breakfast they had seen dolphins in front of their house, and also the water fountain of a whale. so while we sat there, watching the sun rise, and the ripples on the sea change with the wind, i kept my eyes open for any dolphins or whales. the general mood was one of relaxation and happiness. life is good, yesterday his wife grilled the fish, today they will eat rice. when i asked if his wife works, he said that she has a stand in the morning market selling rice (little hand wrapped bags of 1/2 kilo of rice which can give them a few $ to live on.)

we returned towards shore, as we both bent down watching the coral reef to see if there were any fish there...."sleeping, ha ha ha". i wondered why he was only paddling and without the motor, and he said " no friends". and i realized that when they decide to return to shore, it is a good idea to have some friends there, to help you bring in the boat and carry it up the slope of stones to place it far enough from the shore so that the tide will not take it out again, before you do. it was then that i understood how important their friendships are, how they need each other, and do things together, and have their fishing cooperative, and can sit and laugh out at sea together at sunrise, or mend their nets together, or carry out or in the boat together, which is probably why they go in pairs, and also to save on fuel, or tell each other where a good spot is. he paddled the boat to shore and together we pushed it a little, but out of nowhere, a "friend" appeared. he was a man that never looks or smiles at me. i was happy to see that at least he is friendly with this fisherman. and then i watched as the two of them carried the boat ashore. that is a good friend; with strong muscles! when i passed his little banana shack, the door was open and i saw that it was slightly bigger than the old wooden frame bed that was inside, with a board, no mattress, and 2 small plastic sacks filled with something, as pillows...the simple life of the fishermen.