i arrived back in bali a little over 24 hours ago. it has been breathtaking. each moment was filled with so many impressions i wondered how i would remember them all and be able to begin to put them down. and then i read the mayan calendar inspiration for today by vasumi and her closing words said it all:

" So beloveds a divine day to allow the awakening of our emotions to feel the beauty, the harmony and the expansion of what is in our most raw nature.."

that is exactly what happened to me today. as i walked the pock holed narrow streets from mithas' house thru the village with her in order to buy some basics for my new living quarters (an amazing villa by the sea) i kept stopping in my tracks and touching my heart as i tried to explain to her how "this" is what i need most in my heart! "this" is the microphoned chanting of one of the old villagers before dusk in the background, the gamelon music heard down one of the side paths, the sweet scent of incense in the air, the offerings in front of the houses and on the motorbikes and cars in honor of the ceremony for the special power of metal (knives, swords, cars, machines....that bring sharpness), the synchronicity of bumping into all 3 people that i wanted to meet and had no idea where i would find them each, the smiling welcoming villagers and kiosk owners as we walked through the streets, the kindness and reciprocal gestures of kindness towards each other, the gentleness of the fisherman and his son as together they move a large boulder that the sea has swept ashore exactly opposite the fishing boat that he needs to launch, the quiet humble greetings of my new neighbors.

the list could go on and on to include sleeping outdoors on my second story open air bedroom with the coconut leaves surrounding my view as the dawn breaks over the sea and the sky turns orange, or how the huge trees that line the shoreline provide big roots to sit on and enjoy the shade and the shimmering sun sparkling on the sea, and not to omit the joy and connection that making morning and evening offerings of flowers, incense, and food (todays' was some pumpkin seeds since that was all i had to eat in the morning) along with everyone else in the village ( and country, for that matter, other than the 5% muslims) and the feeling it allows of being part of something very big and ONE that has allowed us all such abundance on this new day of life we have been given, and such a tactile action to accompany words of gratitude that flow from the heart for the miracle of it all.

yesterday, my favorite cab driver, gede, picked me up at the airport. until i was walking from the plane to the arrival building, i still had no recollection of bali and what i was returning to, after 4 months, i just knew i had to return. what hit me first was going through a newly carved gateway for the new entrance at the enlarged airport. ah yes, those carved gateways of the temple, in black, of dragons and gargoyles to ward off any bad spirits trying to come through them too. next was at the immigration desk, when i realized that i had slept on the plane when the stewardess had handed out the forms to fill out and there i was without one...and wondering out loud what to do, and the kind man behind the desk motioned to me to come over to him and he offered to fill out the form for me! when i told him i live in israel, he asked if i am muslim, and i said no, and he said christian, no, "so you are jewish?! you must be very smart!" (we are the "people of The Book") ah yes....that generous open honest bestowing balinese spirit.....i had forgotten that too...especially after having gone through immigration lines in israel, jordan, abu dahbi, bangkok and singapore, where i received similar versions of official robot non personal no eye contact, interactions with them all, regardless of my smiling and saying good day and thank you. next was the x-ray machine man gesturing to the customs official to check my bag, apparently because it held my gamelon chime in it and they wondered where i had gotten it, since they are only from bali, and when i told him it was from bali and that i play it, they all smiled and gave me the thumbs up. as i exited the hall into the fenced off arrival plaza with tens of balinese holding up signs with names of the people they were picking up, i passed my head quickly from left to center within a second only to find the huge smile of gede straight in front of me welcoming me from the other side of the barrier, and we both made our way through the crowds and happily greeted each other. he took me to a money exchanger, and to buy an internet stick for the computer, which involved heavy traffic in the city, but he was as calm and peaceful as always. as we made our way through the winding mountain roads from south to north all of the unique balinese culture slowly revealed itself to me, letting me digest each impression before exposing the next one; the women in their brocade blouses with the offerings on their heads, the narrow roads filled with bicycles, motorbikes, trucks, cars, children, old people, all flowing together with barely a centimeter to spare between the car and them, and all peaceful and flowing as if on a different layer of existence than how we drive in western countries, and then the next impression of the decorated villages because of a ceremony, and the smell of incense in the air, and everyone outdoors sitting or carrying or talking or selling, right there, next to one another, with nothing separating them from each other. and the lush green forests and little streams winding through them.

i knew it was a special day. i knew that things cannot always and only be like this here, brahma the creator, and vishnu the preserver, and that i will also meet the side of the recycler, the destroyer, shiva...and that is fine too. and at the moment let me embrace all of this that so nourishes me. i tried to explain how i felt to gede. and to share with him how different it feels to be here, as compared to western society. i told him i know why the balinese don't go abroad....there is no reason for them to leave their heaven! but i told him that they probably don't even know they are in heaven, since they don't know anything else! i tried to explain to him how different the mentality is, peoples actions, peoples speech. it was then that he reminded me of the triple intention they have in hinduism; right thinking, right speech, and right action towards God, towards man, and towards the environment. this is how they are guided back from the lower habits that we all have and experience. "You need breaks, just like when you drive a car. otherwise your thoughts will just go in every direction and can cause harm. you need to use your breaks" he shared that he had spoken to a buddhist priest a while ago that had told him that if someone is troubled, they should just sit and meditate, and not ask god for anything, so that they won't be disappointed in god if it doesn't happen. just sitting in silence will solve every difficulty.

once we managed to find the path to my new habitat, he sat down with me and the owner for a few minutes. after i walked him back to his car, since the last bit is by foot (thank god, no road right up to the house) i asked him what he thought about the place and my landlord. "the house is good. with the landlord you must be like this ( and he made a firm slicing gesture with his right hand onto the palm of his left hand)." i said "yes, i know, assertive but....nice" and he added " assertive and polite". i thanked him for his advice and guidance and true concern for my well being, including advising me to immediately put all of my cash in the government bank so that it will be safe.

and yes, my friends, shiva was just waiting round the corner! and the sweetness of it all came tumbling down as the lies and proddings for more and more money began between me and the landlord. i had read in the i ching before i came here that the situation between the two of us is like a tiger that does not suspect anything from me, and that i should tread lightly on his tail in order to walk the proper path for me. that, along with the "assertive and polite" guidelines got me through all of the beaurocracy so far. it is a very different way for me than my usual way of pleasing everyone even if it is at my expense, just for the sake of being nice. i saw that it was possible to remain still, and just be, before taking out 50,000 rupias to pay the police department for the right to their protecting me while living here, rather than the 150,000 that he had asked for, or for the 600,000 that my landlord had requested. they smiled at me and didn't say another word about it. i realized that harmony is the most important thing here. my girlfriend even saw it in the astrological chart of the world....that is what characterizes this area called bali. and so while i sat at the police department last night (since they need to know about anyone that is in the village for more than 24 hours, and also because my landlord was hoping to get some cash to cover expenses he had today so we rushed over there last night) i was able to just sit back and shmooze with the casually dressed officer about religion, america, israel, and let the laughter and melodious indonesian language flow, guessing here and there about what we were speaking about, throwing in a word or two of indonesian myself, and even telling my landlord that i understand indonesian...which somehow i do, more or less, and which suddenly surprised (and scared) him since he was quite sure i didn't understand his comments.

after a wonderful sleep with only a roof over my head and nature for walls and windows, and waking up to the magnificent sea and wonderful trees and green all over, i realized that i do not have to let the interactions with my landlord change the way i feel about bali. i had met someone in israel that had shared how unpleasant it is dealing with her landlord, and she said "so what, i have an unpleasant landlord, that's all". and i decided to choose that path, of not allowing it to ruin my stay here. this was new for me. i had just left 4 months ago with such a bad feeling because of similiar issues and knew i had a choice of how i want to look at this. if i take gedes advice about the three part intention, and combine that with a theory another woman told me about the balinese being "gatherers" and that we foreigners are money trees....so he is just trying to pick my fruit that isn't ripe yet. the money will be his, in due time, each month, and not all in advance, as he had hoped. but he keeps pulling at the "fruit" hoping it will fall into his hands, but...if i am firm and polite, he will just have to wait for it to turn "soft" and ripe and then fall into his hands, which allows me to stay in "right thinking" instead of victimization and bad speech. i am grateful for these lessons....

the lifting of the veils

I opened up my eyes and saw the sun shining through the big leaves of the tall tropical trees. the sound of the rushing water of the stream along with the background hum of crickets, replacing the hum of trucks and cars, stirred my heart. i felt the beginning of a warm familiar glow inside that had not been experienced for months. "You're almost home" said the voice.

I raised myself up from the wooden bench I had fallen asleep on and noticed the little old bow legged woman gardener from the botanical garden was sitting on the other bench beside me just where she had been two hours earlier when i found this particular resting place amongst busy fancy Singapore. I knew something had changed from 2 hours ago, but was looking for evidence. the clues began to add up; the simple handmade rake from bamboo, worn and useful. the thin strips of palm sticks beautifully tied like a bouquet opening up at the end of the wooden handle of the broom to sweep the leaves from the path. "I'm almost home." I looked around me, remembering now the tall tall trees, the big palm leaves, the myriad shades of green, lushness, the tropics, a nice breeze, bits of sun shining through the quiet shade of the forest. I had forgotten it all.

I remember watching how layer after layer had disappeared from my consciousness when i left Bali 4 months ago. It was like transparent veils that silently came over me, as the modern western world and society became my new surroundings. There was no stopping it, just observing parts of me thai i was no longer in touch with. i could not fight it. i didn't even know what to fight. it just slowly disappeared leaving me feeling like i lost something precious i had been given, but i don't even know what it looked like anymore, and what exactly it was. just that it wasn't.

my mind quickly started to put the puzzle pieces together; "Hey, look, this scenery is typically Israeli." i consciously looked out the window of the bus to see what had excited the young man sitting next to me as we drove towards Amman; old olive trees scattered on rocky dry stone terraces. a biblical look to it. Yes, it looked ancient and poetic. i could appreciate the resemblance to the drive towards jerusalem, but did not feel a tingle inside like he did. it was hard, barren, hot, sparse, empty, vulnerable, nature. i had been telling him about the sea and the laughing friendly simple people of northern bali. just barely remembering it all.

the energy in Abu Dahbi was still "middle eastern". in Bangkok things began to feel "lighter" with the men who looked more like women in their skin tight 3/4 length pants, made up faces, purses and feminine body language and giggle as they photographed themselves posing with their friends as if all of life was one big theater show. the abundance of huge orchid bouquets that decorated the airport brought a delicateness that is less apparent in the middle east. as i write this, i remember reading an e-mail yesterday from carol about how the lone straggly orchid that i gave her a year ago when i gave away my possessions, had bloomed the day i arrived to house sit by her in February. I had left Bali for 4 months and its last magnificent flower fell off its unbelievable abundantly budded branches the day i left to return to Bali.

As i landed in Singapore i could feel a slight change come over me. I attributed it to my imagination and wishful thinking. but then, as i stood at the "left baggage" counter this morning and a mother and daughter ahead of me conversed with the worker, my ears suddenly heard the melodious mumble jumble Indondesian that i had studied for months and had even known how to speak, but had also been covered in a veil of amnesia. i was surprised to hear it here in singapore, but happy to recognize the familiar words and an inexplicalbe ability to understand them in some abstract way making me feel a part of the conversation even though i couldn't tell you why.

later in the underground train fo the city, the daughter struck up a conversation with me in english and her mother just giggled each time her daughter translated to her our conversation. They were from jakarta, moslems, and with that open, friendly air of the Balinese, or maybe Indonesians?

The last puzzle piece was the creative juices that suddenly began to flow agin after an absence of months. poetic descriptions and sensuality began to tumble around in my mind and mouth. my hand needed to put it all down and share it with friends and family. this same life force that had been hidden like the "mists of Avalon" were suddenly appearing again as i got closer to returning to Bali. Nice.

i am grateful. i missed that part of me, but this nature is awakening my heart again and giving water to my senses that heal from this tropical atmosphere, mosquitos and all.

people ask me what i "do" all day in Bali...this is it....just sit and witness the magic and let it flow out in words as I am filled to overflowing and want to share it with whoever has room in their cup to read it....