like a child

One day, a person I knew for many years, was sitting on a sofa, arm in arm with a new acquaintance she had just met a few days previously. I was surprised to see them snuggled up next to each other, both smiling and looking like two little kids that had just become friends, and just happy to be sitting close to each other. Nothing more. The expression of contentment and fulfillment on her face; sparkling eyes, and a silly grin, and a relaxed body that said "I am loved", was new to me. I had never seen her like that before. She no longer looked her age, but rather like a child. I saw at that moment, what love and acceptance can do to a person.

"If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.

If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.

If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.

If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.

If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.

If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.

If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.

If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.

If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.

If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.

If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.

If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.

If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.

If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.

If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.

If children live with fairness, they learn justice.

If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.

If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.

If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live."

(Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D. American writer and family counselor)

why am i writing all of this? because the longer i live here in bali, and hoola hoop with balinese kids and adults and just spend time with families and see how they raise their children, and compare it with my own childhood memories and with the way i raised my children, i see there is a basic difference that is clearly stated in the above quote.

i don't think things are all black and white (actually i usually do!) but that we all were raised and raised our children with a combination of the above list of traits. but yesterday, while i was hooping on the beach, a german woman that had just arrived for her 3 week retreat at the resort, was commenting on how happy the balinese people are, how they are always smiling, always have time to be friendly, hospitable and generous. she said that in germany everyone is so busy working and in their own world, and they can afford every luxury in the world, but they walk around with long serious,angry expressions on their faces, whereas here, the people barely have anything, but look how happy they are! it was refreshing to speak with her, because the longer i stay here, the more i think that life is like this everywhere...and i forget how different things are here.

possibly it has to do with their religion, which is the backbone of their lifestyle. and if God is ever present and everything comes from that source, and the only choice we have is whether to choose "right thoughts, right speech and right actions (heart)" then there doesn't seem alot to be worried or pressured about! we are born, we live, we die (they say "go to sleep") and are reincarnated again...so what's the big deal? why be uptight, rushing, goal oriented, when all there is is this moment?

i notice that when i pass the mirror on the outer door of my clothes cupboard, and catch a glimpse of myself, it never ceases to surprise me, i have no idea who that is in the mirror! i know i feel about 16 years old, living a good life, grateful, and there is a dark eyed serious woman looking back at me from the mirror...so strange.

yesterday when i went to hoop at the sea, i found two old balinese women (probably my age!) just sitting there with their clothes on, letting the waves splash against them, laughing, and imitating me hooping. when i show up for gamelon practice we usually wait about an hour until all the women finally come, and in the meanwhile it is their chance to tell stories to each other about the days events (i assume, but don't understand a word of it, just watching their antics) and it is always full of laughter and exaggerated facial expressions and tones of voice and everyone is having a good time. also when we all drive off on our motorbikes 2 hours later, its giggles galore saying goodbye.

children here are treated like kings and queens...they are very independent, responsible, and just seem to be equals to their parents, just in a childs' body. rarely is any crying heard, even from babies, and rarely any discipline enforced. i spoke with several high school teachers and tried to find out from them if the teenagers rebel here too, like in the west. they just smiled, and said "yes, if their shirt is supposed to be tucked in and it isn't, or that they are tardy at school, then after a few times we have a counselor who speaks with them and tries to find out what the problem might be and guides them in the right direction. they don't seem too concerned about psychological issues and problems, just letting everyone be and trusting that everything is exactly the way it is supposed to be. just because someone has a bigger physical body than the child it does not give them the right to order them around, and if they do, the child gives them a look of surprise like "who do you think YOU are?!" and they're right! and together with that, there is tremendous respect and devotion to the extended family unit

i know i always paint a very idealistic picture of life here in bali....as if they have the secret to happiness and love. and thanks to one english speaking balinese woman friend of mine, i am aware that she has the same need for attention from her husband who seems to be preoccupied with the building of their new home and is paying less attention to her, and she feels it, and expresses it. and together with that, after she sent him an SMS saying "i buy you rice in the morning, but you don't eat it, and i hardly see you", he didn't reply, just walked into the house after work with a smile on his face, and the issue was over. and she shares about all the difficult years with her mother-in- law when they first got married, so yes, they are normal, and have the same issues that westerners experience.

but while speaking with a young couple that have a 3 year old daughter and have been married for 4 years, and are both teachers, he said that usually it is the grandparents that raise the grandchildren from the time they are babies in the family compound, since their emotions are more calm and they are less identified with the children than the parents who are still young and have more extreme emotional states. what happens to all of the "bonding theories" of the west if the mother isn't even around for her baby?! but the grandmother is....

all i know is that love seems to be the answer...and even in old age, when someone accepts you and treats you with love, just because "you are you", it can make you feel like a child again. i also was watching an older german woman on the shore yesterday, as she searched and inspected and collected sea shells. i could see by her body language that that is who she really was, and is...like a child...just walking alone on the sand in her own world. and i was barefoot and hooping and having fun too, just like a child, in my own world. and i had a feeling that the nature and the environment here, including all the smiling happy easy going people, allow us to return to childhood and heal whatever was missing for us then.