FROM THE HEART

i have had a handful of "lessons" about money here in bali...that  were always about renting a room, a house, staying an extended time at a resort. they all started off happily and ended painfully. the cost in $ was high, but so was the value of the lesson learnt. so when i decided to move into my friends' house and rent from him, it was with mixed feelings. partly because i had been told not to mix friendship and money, and partly because i would again be making monetary commitments and was afraid to again find myself in a traumatic place with people and money.

my friends are lovely balinese people that i have had no reason to suspect would be lying or have ulterior motives, but that is what i had thought in each of the other cases too, so, i prayed and asked for help to be able to make a healthy arrangement and not to have to repeat the same mistakes again, but to have learnt this lesson. when i had watched my friends house being built and understood that it was the realization of a dream, and that he had enough money to complete eighty percent of the house, i wished i could help him find a way to have enough money to finish it all. after volunteering to loan him money, and then regretting it the following day, and telling him so, i thought that being able to pay him rent and that he would use the money to finish the house would be a "win-win" solution. i would have a place to stay, and he would have additional income. 

but then things became "foggy"...his three year old son listens to television full volume till late at night...how would i sleep like that? maybe this is a time for the family to have some privacy, and not have me stuck there in the middle etc. but as the time to leave my present residence got closer, our plan became more concrete and i was moving in and they were moving out so that i could have privacy and no television. 

i had experienced two months of having a landlord that was so generous, that by the end of my stay by her i prayed that i too be able to learn to be generous...to let go of scarcity consciousness, to give from my heart and trust that all is well, to be in a flow with the abundance of the universe. that was my wish to myself on my 60th birthday that i had just celebrated...

fate would have it that i met another anglo saxon that had just been taken advantage of financially and i shared with her my understandings and life lessons about the balinese and money, how to  take responsibility and state borders instead of  being a victim and resentful. she was grateful, and i was happy i could help. but then suddenly i shared with her that i myself am about to enter into another financial arrangement and haven't clarified things yet and tomorrow i am moving in! she immediately became the "teacher" and me the "student". "You must separate friendship and business. this is business!" she commanded me to clarify to myself how much i am willing to pay and to communicate that to them today and not to get "caught in their web" any further without clarity, and certainly not to do it once i have moved in and they will have the upper hand!

i saw how afraid i was! how much is enough? how much is too much? does he have expectations? how much of a loan did he take and will i disappoint him? if i am sharing the space with his daughter, than i should pay less? if it is balinese style bathroom instead of hot shower and western toilet? but on the other hand; they are so kind and generous to me, they have helped me so much with language, ceremonies, lifestyle, feeling part of the community...i remembered the suggestions my girlfriend had given me the last time about "bargaining" and tried to stay calm and not underprice and not overprice. i asked others and received more advice; discussing it is okay, listen to them, but do what is good for me! so i reached a compromise price in my mind, shared it with my friend who agreed that it was reasonable and that was that!

but another place inside of me was not satisfied with this solution. it searched in a different direction entirely. i prayed for guidance. i asked the iching. the answer was disastrous! that the situation is horrific, the criminal will get just punishment, immediate action is necessary to get out of this abusive and manipulative situation! oh no! what have i gotten myself into? how do i end this business agreement with them? how did i not recognize this until now?! helpless, i turned to the rav laitmans daily blog of kabbalah studies for guidance. there was one sentence that rang true:

"Can a person who was created as a total egoist who only thinks about himself and nothing else (this is the way we are programmed) change his program? And what is more, can he change it so that the object who receives the pleasure is not me thanks to everything that surrounds me, but rather that my pleasure will be the wellbeing of all those around me, brought about by me.The pleasure remains. It has to be since it is part of our nature, only the character of the filling changes."

it immediately brought me back to my birthday wish of my desire to be sincerely generous. so i was being given an opportunity to choose generosity, and not be thinking about what is fair, what is right, what is correct, what is acceptable...but rather what would bring pleasure and wellbeing to those around me! oh good! back to my original intention from the previous months of being able to help my friend realize his dream. great. my mind was no longer busy weighing and thinking and calculating, but my heart was open and the answers were clear and simple and generous. i sent my friend an SMS asking if it is good for him that we meet today to speak about business? he called me and with humor in his voice we decided on three o'clock. i ran through my mind an imaginary scenario of him telling me his price, and me raising it to the generous amount. i prayed as i walked the 10 minute walk to his place. 

as i sat on the veranda with him and his wife chatting, he eventually brought up the topic of our "business". he said that when i called him, he was surprised that i separate things, and that the money is just part of living here as friends. he asked his father, what he thinks is the right thing to do? his father said " ask eileen. she has experience living in many places. let her decide." i was in shock! i didn't expect that i would have to be the one to decide. it threw my head into a tizzy. my mind started racing, all the peace and simplicity that i had experienced was gone. i was lost into the future, the past, fears, worries, doubts, profit, costs, expenses, what would make me feel financially secure, how not to be a victim again, and on and on. i was silent. i couldn't speak. i had to know "the right" thing to do...where would i find the answer now?!

they continued to water the garden, to share experiences, to come and go...i was silent. lost. confused. groping around in a swamp of desire, fear...my girlfriend looked at me and said that it seems that for me this is something i use thinking for. for them it is not. it is easy, simple, from the heart, whatever i want to pay, it doesn't matter, not to take it so seriously, it's only money. still silent...still overwhelmed. confused. wondering whether or not i can believe them, envious of their peace and ease. eventually my girlfriend suggested that i share what is going through my mind, to release it, so it won't weigh so heavy on me.  she said she senses i am still traumatized from my past experiences in bali.

i poured out all the fears, doubts, past betrayals, lies, losses, disappointments, hopes. once i had finished, they began to share how they try to manage money and not let money manage them, and that when they have money, they use it and when they don't and they need it, it comes again, they have never thought about what to do so they will have more money. they just know that when it comes from their heart, it always flows. and that they hope this will be a healing experience for me with them. that our friendship is most important and feeling good with each other, not the money.

as they spoke and shared i saw how something was softening inside of me, the energy that had been constricted and stuck in my head was descending and spreading out in my chest, there was a warmth, an openness, and expansion. an hour had passed since we had begun our conversation about "business"...the original prayer to god to be generous and "my pleasure will be the wellbeing of all those around me, brought about by me."   my mouth opened and the words came out simply and clearly "i would like to pay you $10 a night to stay here, and pay once a month." (the options had been from $2.50 -10.00). they said fine. i counted out the money and handed it to him.  (by their standards the amount is considered an excellent salary for a high ranking professional.)

he continued to water the garden, and a moment later said " i am very happy. i am very happy." i smiled, his wife grinned at his child like response. and a moment later he said " since i have money in hand, i will buy you a refrigerator tomorrow." i was shocked! i immediately told him it was not necessary. that his mother has lived without one for 60 years, so i think i too can manage. with his excuse that his daughter may want cold water to drink, i agreed. it was only a little while later that the full impact of his comment hit me...he had just been given a generous payment from me, and immediately offered a generous luxury for me in return! unbelievable.  his first thought was how he could give me something!

as i walked back to my room i felt a lightness and happiness inside, a simplicity, a calm open peacefulness. this is where i like to reside. this is the place of generosity, of decision making, of connecting to others,  there were no thoughts of fear, doubt, cleverness, having "gotten a good deal". only at night did i suddenly understand what that iching disaster message was about, and who was the criminal! it was not my friends...it was my ego and my desire to receive instead of bestowing...and the criminal was given the death sentence...by remaining there, witnessing the violent attack on me, the lies, abuse, betrayal, and not succumbing, not acting on it not giving it my power, it disintegrated...only to await a better moment next time! 

 

alone

i like being alone...until now it has never felt lonely...it is just being alone...i flow from thing to thing at my own pace, spend most of the day in silence, listen to my inner voice, in short...just enjoy my life.
ever since i remember myself as a child, i was alone. i always had many friends, but my natural state was one of being alone, at home, in nature, in school, outside...so coming to live in bali alone felt quite natural. 

but yesterday, being alone, had a taste of loneliness to it. that surprised me! i had a look at it...what has changed, that suddenly, being alone isn't so much fun anymore? is it because the balinese feel sad for someone who is alone. and they keep asking me if i eat alone, and why i am alone, and am i going there alone, and will i walk back alone? they do everything together. and today, when i woke up, again realizing that i am alone, and how do i feel about it, and i saw that i have a sadness inside connected with being alone, i suddenly understood the balinese. i doubt whether any of the population is taking prozac for mild depression. they just sit and pass the time with someone...nothing deep, nothing special, just hanging out. 

and the constant ceremonies keep everyone in the community in touch and in service, so no time to dabble in self pity or philosophical questions about the meaning of life. everybody sleeps together with other family members, and lives with extended family as part of their daily lifestyle. and then their neighbors and them have the neighborhood temple which they also keep up so they have their clan. 
and me...i'm just a tag along here. enjoying all of what bali has to offer, and together with that, at the mercy of the locals inviting me to participate in their lives and ceremonies.

i see that i am so enmeshed in the balinese life here, that i too am beginning to take it all for granted, like them. they ask me why i want to live here, in this village...and i say because the people are friendly, and smiling and nice, and the sea, and the temples, and playing with the women in the gamelon orchestra, and the trees and nature...they don't know anything else...this is their reality, it is not a country where people go on vacations or travel abroad. everyone pretty much stays put, sometimes as young adults going to the big city to make some money, and then returning to the village again to build their home.

so while i was alone, i felt God with me all the time, in everything and in everyway. i was bursting at the seams with gratitude. i couldn't believe that such abundance and beauty and bestowal is possible. everything oozed reverence. but after a week of being alone most of the time, no other tourists around, no balinese hooping with me on the beach, no volunteering with children, no festivals, no gamelon rehearsals, no longer living in the family compound with my landlord, no longer meeting my friends everyday who were watching their new house being built....i started to feel lonely. 

suddenly everything around me became "ordinary". the sunrise over the sea, the tall coconut trees, the flower laden frangipani trees, the nice breeze, the blue sky and sunshine, the peace and quiet, the sound of the waves, my old friend, "existential angst" began to keep me company...i knew it was a trick...but still saw myself sinking...don't believe it! but what else is there to believe in? and the inevitable question "why am i alive?" returned...even here is paradise...

i knew there was a "key" that i once had, that i could use in situations like this...but where is it? hmm...what am i supposed to be learning from this, that always, afterwards, once it has passed, i regret not remembering what a great opportunity it could have been if i just would have remembered....what was it?! so i was still going through the motions; making the offerings, saying my prayers, but the glow was gone. so i decided that the only one i can ask is God....so i did...and the answer i got was: "we're playing hide and go seek. i have just enlarged the borders of where we are playing. one two three GO!"

so, i am sitting here, looking out past the dry river bed to the sea, underneath the huge trees, next to the small temple of the guesthouse, wondering where to start searching for God this time...and a voice said to my mind "just imagine you are on some island in the south pacific somewhere, with palm trees, and beautiful singing birds, and the quiet rhythm of the waves lapping on the shore, and the chanting in the distant background, on a beautiful sunny afternoon..." and suddenly my eyesight changed and everything became magical again!  I wasn't lonely.

bestowal

her name is ketut, number four, and she is a balinese yiddisheh mama. she has been my landlord for 2 months. she is the epitome of sincere generosity and optimism. she always has a smile when she greets you warmly, and immediately offers me food once we have said hello. "Rice. there is rice inside.Please take." She speaks elementary english, so our conversations are not very deep, but her natural desire to give is what communicates beyond words.

for the month i lived in her family compound, all the food she bought or made included a portion for me, regardless of the fact that i told her numerous times that i am vegetarian, cook my own meals, and don't eat fried food or white rice. and that i eat only until lunch time and not in the evenings. each day anew, as soon as she saw me, she welcomed me to please take some food. i stopped explaining and refusing and just took... it gave her pleasure, and she gave me so much pleasure offering all the time. 

when i heard she was preparing offerings for a ceremony, i offered to help, since i love imitating them and learning all about it all. and when i showed up at 6 in the evening as planned, i was handed my favorite take away meal of gado gado (tofu in spicy peanut sauce) and told to eat first. she had bought it especially for me since she knows i like it...

while helping she continued to offer food, and food to take back home with me, and a bag of rice too and maybe some hard boiled eggs?  and food the next day after her ceremony. she wants nothing in return. i see that what is always foremost in her mind is, "how can i help this person who is suddenly in front of me?" other than renting me a room at 1/3 of the normal price since i didn't have any more than that, and offering to take me to several places in the city, since she was with her truck on her bi-weekly purchasing trip, and immediately offering me 10% commission when i said i would try and get her guest house onto the internet, she just has a very big heart.

for years i have been studying kabbalah with rav laitman. he has tried infinite ways to explain how man must reach a state of bestowal, in order to be called a Man. and that our present state of desire all the time, just desiring and filling our own desires, is the opposite of our final goal. when i stopped by ketuts' shop to say hello last night and refused the rice, since i had just eaten something an hour earlier, she quickly picked up a small bag of special balinese rice sweets that she had bought in the mountain village which is known for them. "Please have one of these. here take the bag, please, i was tired and i bought it. please, take it to your room." 

and me, with a weakness for sweets...couldn't refuse, especially since they were so cutely wrapped in triangular shapes from palm leaves and tied so nicely, and others in steamed banana leaves. I took them, thanked her, and then some customers came in and i left. as i walked home with the little bag of treats i thought "this is bestowal. she is not trying to be polite, she is truly wanting to give to another human being.  there is no ego involved. she just fills the role of being a pipeline of generosity and bestowal. 

she is a woman that was number four of 8 children, who had to help raise her younger 4 brothers since her father died young and her mother had to work, they were penniless so she never had higher education, but helped put her brothers through school by working and paying for them. she is the most generous person i have ever met. everything she buys or gives is of good quality. she is a clever and successful business woman that has built 4 guest rooms and now a house for their only son. all from the sweat of her brow. when i asked her how she did it she said "each time i had some extra money, i bought a few bricks...or a tree....and slowly slowly..."  

she is a wonderful example for me of the miracle of true generosity and bestowal.

change

i was walking home at night through the forest to my room. i love that feeling... the winding path, the tall trees...but the usual closeness i feel when i walk in nature, was not there...almost, but not quite...again i thought "what? what is it all about?" and i received an answer; "just witness". Oh! okay!...and i continued to walk and slowly saw how when i was just witnessing what was going on, i was already connecting to something else inside of me. and the nature became more alive. hmm...

the following day, before dusk, i heard some families walking over to the sea and decided that i may as well go hoop now, so that if any of them want to hoop too, they can join me. and i walked over with 2 hoops, like usual. it's always more fun to hoop together with someone, and it is a chance for me to teach who ever wants to hoop, for free....so why not.

while i started on the short path to the sea, a father was walking a few steps ahead of me. i had noticed when i walk on the street that it is not customary to overtake someone. you just kind of slow down to their pace and keep a decent distance between the two of you. ( i assume this has to do with ego...and a feeling of togetherness instead of individuality).  i learned this the hard way, by having women who were walking slowly ahead of me to the market in the mornings, suddenly stop and cross to the other side of the road, because i had infringed on the "respectful" space between us. so  i practiced with this man in front of me now as we both walked on the narrow path some 30 meters to the sea.

 the 2 little girls gave shouts of glee when they saw the hoola hoops and came out of the water to have a few rounds with it. one of the grandmothers tried, some of the teens, and eventually the father, meanwhile, i was just hooping in my "non-stop-just-looking-out-at-the-sea-meditative" mode. once most of them left and the father was still enjoying and succeeding, i showed him a few more moves with sign language and let him practice some more. by the end of the hour i had had enough, and he did too. we said goodbye, and i laughed to myself how an hour ago, we were strangers walking on this path, and now i was his hoola hoop teacher! i enjoy seeing people enjoy hooping and love it when people try try and try again...and he was one of those...

what happened next kind of blew my mind...i had just turned from looking at the sea for an hour and was now facing the forest on the path to my room. suddenly the forest loomed huge and was greater than three dimensions! i did a slow double take, so as not to lose contact with what i was experiencing, but still to make sure i was alive and this is really happening. and it was...it was as if another dimension of life force and vividness and color and texture had suddenly inhabited the same trees i have seen everyday for the past couple of months...i wondered if it was the lighting as the sun set?  i was grateful, and just tried not to make any sudden movements in order to prolong this vision for as long as i could witness it.

then this morning while i was reflecting on life, i remembered how about 20 years ago a close friend had expressed the idea that "it's as if you are in a room and suddenly the floor opens up and you go falling down and land in an even bigger room beneath it." and i wondered if that is the change that i was witnessing. that a week ago i had written a friend that i feel that i am bursting already. i have no more room inside of me to be grateful for everything i see and feel and experience. and that snorkeling with such colors and designs of fishes and corals just baffles the mind and senses and what more can i do to say thank you to God?! 

what followed that was a slow week of "sinking" into an aloneness ...suddenly my friends weren't around, no one writing, no one calling, gamelon practice cancelled, and i started to realize that this isn't fun, ("the floor opening underneath my feet"?). i knew there was a reason it was happening, perfectly orchestrated, but still preferred to be high and happy. and i wrote the blog "alone"...and then today, after some major miracles happened yesterday, that are inexplicable, i thought...maybe i am actually witnessing "change"? as if God was putting a new screen for me to view and experience life and i caught him in the act!

i remembered another conversation also some 20 years ago when a friend told me that loving someone is so painful, because no matter how much you love them, you can never truly be inside that person. and now i realized also, that the way i see the world, is not how anyone else sees it. it's not even how i saw it a day ago! here it is changing before my very eyes! and a day ago, when i thought i was suddenly returning to israel for an indefinite time, i suddenly saw the nature around me, in technicolor, and realized i would not be seeing this in another day! and i got all chocked up. i realized how connected i have become with this nature that nourishes me so deeply, as i see it, smell it, walk through it, care for it.

and the thought crossed my mind, that maybe these balinese have a totally different experience of nature than me?! that all of their superstitions about walking alone at night, or the monsters in the sea during storms, etc...may just be true! that maybe they see things that i don't see! just like my vision is changing while i am here...and they live in 2 worlds, they even have names for them; the seen and the unseen...it's simple...and i must admit, even though it may sound a bit childish (which the balinese definitely are!) that i have begun to see faces in the rocks and trees lately...

perspective

I awoke this morning with the word "perspective" suddenly in my mind...I wondered where that came from and what i was supposed to understand. Later, I was sitting on the porch, meditating, and suddenly I heard a "thump" and then again and again. I wondered what it was, coming from the forest next to my house. And then suddenly I understood. Someone is dropping the coconuts from the trees to the ground. What surprised me was the sound it made. As if it was a baseball mitt catching each coconut. I wondered how that could be? They were falling from tremendous heights onto the earth, but something is "accepting" them, rather than just falling on it.  Then I remembered yesterday watching the gardener take a long long bamboo pole and with the tip, giving a little shove to the ripe papayas that were growing on the very tall papaya tree. And with each shove, the ripe soft papaya also fell from so high up, onto the earth, with no bruises and without bursting open….how could it be?! A ripe papaya from way up there, heavy…? 

My next thought suddenly put two and two together and I realized something "first hand"….that mother earth really is alive and well, breathing and caring for us all, as we stand and walk and dance and hoola hoop on her!  I had been describing to my friend how the gardener waters everything in the garden, generously, everyday! Sidewalks, earth that is "barren", plants, grass. Everything gets a good dousing. I suggested to her that it may be a kind of purifying or cleansing act. I wasn't sure. Also the other owner of the villa where I lived, used to come everyday and water the stone path! I asked him why? And he said that it is hot in bali, and if the path is hot it will make the house near it hot too, so he wants it to be nice and cool. But he is doing it to the path of the house that no one is even living in! I also asked my friend, who was watering the new road in front of his house, and all of the barren earth surrounding the house, why? He said " so that the earth will get harder and not be so dusty…

so this morning it finally all made sense. It made sense why everyone pours water or hoses down everything before dusk…because it is all alive! It is like asking someone "why are you giving your child water?" and I would answer "it is important for building a healthy body."  But this answer is actually "secondary" the primary answer is because she's alive and I want to nourish my child! She is alive and growing and needs to be fed and to drink water. And I realized that mother earth really is alive and well….and not just some kind of new age slogan. She really is breathing and receiving and supporting and nourishing, and grounding, and energizing all of us and everything. So they don't even know that someone could think otherwise. For them it is obvious that she needs water if the monsoon season has not yet started…she needs to drink everyday. Just like us!

When I was at the sea the other day, I saw 2 tourists, arguing with each other, as they returned from a swim. One of them kept lifting up big rocks from the beach and heaving them onto other rocks so that they would crack open. I was a bit shocked to see such violence and wondered if maybe they were special stones with gems inside…but later realized it was just his way of dealing with his anger. But as I went to the sea to practice my qigong in the mornings, I would see all the many shapes and sizes and colors of the rocks on shore, and then suddenly see one of his broken rocks, which looked so out of place! When I got back to the guest house, I saw that the gardener had taken one of the broken rocks and placed it inside a big and very old carved rock that used to be used as a mortar and pestle for mashing up grains and food in the old days. Through wear and use its' bottom became so thin that it broke. It was now given a place of honor against a tree in the garden. I am sure, that for her, adding this broken piece was a gesture of respect for the broken rock she had found at sea…where everything was rounded and whole and part of Creation.

Later, i was thinking about how difficult it is lately, for my friend to stay calm and centered while raising her 3 children. Her 3 and 6 year old are very strong willed and at the temple yesterday, were behaving in ways that were unpleasant for her. Her husband, on the other hand, was not concerned about it. He always seems to stay patient and peaceful, and the children behave differently with him. i wondered if she could change her perspective of who her children are, if it would make it more pleasant for her. if she knew that her warrior son was really the incarnation of an ancient Hindu warrior God, and that her daughter was once a princess, would she still be trying to get them to behave? or be there to serve them? 

i looked at the young priest that was going through the rituals and then blessing everyone and how he always smiles....always! And he too has young children that are not always behaving the way he wants, but he just smiles...and i thought how our perspective is what creates our joy or pain, our respect or our disgust. And how much our perspective is influenced from our past and surroundings. And how my perspective is changing, because of my new surroundings...a new sensitivity and understanding of Mother Nature that i never knew. a

And then....i opened up my email today and found this entry:

 "If you knew of a spectacular mountain that was very, very tall, yet climbable. And if it was well established that from its peak, you could literally see all the love that bathes the world, dance with the angels, and party with the gods. Would you curse or celebrate each step you took as you ascended it?

Life is that mountain and each day a step.

Perspectives change everything,"

             

(quote from Tut)

a balinese mensch

i was sitting by the sea quietly making offerings from palm leaves. one of the gardeners from the neighboring resort walked by. i have seen him on the road, we have said hello. when i heard that the pregnant wife of one of the gardeners' died in a tragic motorcycle accident 2 weeks ago, and i asked which one it was, they told me it was the short stocky mans' wife. and here he was, walking towards me. i debated whether to say something, give condolences, what, how, in english, in balinese, is it appropriate?

as he passed he asked me in balinese, how i am, i smiled and said fine. he walked on a bit further and then when he returned a few minutes later he smiled and wished me in balinese to have a good day. i thought i would cry. a young man, with 2 young children, that just lost his wife and unborn child, and has returned to work so that he can feed his family, is the one smiling and wishing me a good day!

accountability

this morning is the first day of the jewish new year. i was tired when i awoke and wanted to lay in bed for a while, but knew i would regret it later, starting off the day (and a new year!) without seeing the sunrise? so i pulled myself out of bed and walked to the sea and sat down. as i looked out at the sky the word "accountability" appeared in me...hmm...wonder what that is about? i felt a bit of a "hangover" from yesterdays' slight sense of loneliness, when the balinese friends i had called in order to go visit during the day, were all busy and could not meet me. it took a bit of an effort to prove to myself that "i don't need anyone. i am perfectly fine on my own, i love my life, i always have something to do even without other people. i don't have to take this personally..."

then, while i was back at my room, sweeping the floor before making the offerings, the word appeared again. i remembered how my friends' 15 year old daughter had to first go to school on the day they were going to travel to her grandmother who lives in a village 2 hours away, in order to ask the teacher for permission to leave for the day. i remember thinking it was so strange, instead of just telling him in advance, or calling him up, or writing a note and leaving it for him. why on the day itself? and then the two ideas connected ..."ah,,,,maybe that is called 'accountability'?" i tried to sense, what is the different inner state that one feels when you come in the morning to your teacher and ask permission to leave for the day? or when you 'notify' them in advance? what is this sense of being in the present moment, and being accountable for it?

i remembered how angry the owners of the resort would be that ON the morning of a ceremony, the worker would come and tell him he is not showing up for work today because he has a ceremony. they could not comprehend why the worker didn't tell them in advance! they knew they would have a ceremony! why only today, when he should be working does he come to tell me?! the western understanding was always looking ahead, planning, future, whereas the balinese were just in this moment, being accountable for their actions now.

also my friend who is going to rent his house to me, told me that he will go to his manager of the clinic today and ask permission to go to the village secretarys' office to arrange my living permit. it surprised me that he said "he will ask permission" to go away for a few minutes. also, before any ceremony, the family first goes to their family temple, in order to "ask permission" to leave and go to the ceremony. the children, of all ages, always ask their parents permission. at all times i must be accountable for my actions. could this possibly be the reason they are always asking me "where are you going?"

i realized it is a gesture of respect, of honor, of submission, of unity. that there is a big difference whether i 'notify' someone, which means "i'm in charge and this is what i am doing. period." in that case, i am alone in the world, not connected or responsible to anyone or anything. i do as i please. but if we are all One? if i go to an elder who i respect and ask their permission to do what i would like to do? i see how the ego is either running the show or has taken a back seat. that being accountable is something that has not really been a part of my daily life. it hints of a "higher" force, or order to things, not necessarily visible, but known and respected.

then this morning i was reading the entry for rosh hashana eve by rabbi jacobson that made me laugh when i read it:

THE BALANCED LEDGER

A Chassidic rebbe once sent his students to observe a local innkeeper as part of their preparation work for Rosh Hashana.

The students dutifully checked into the inn, but the first day observed nothing remarkable. They went to sleep, only to be awakened at midnight by someone praying loudly.

They tip-toed out of their rooms to find the innkeeper fervently reciting Psalms. When he finished, he opened up a cabinet and removed two big ledgers.

From one ledger he proceeded to read all his sins of the past year: he confessed that he was insensitive to his wife, that he didn't fulfill all his obligation to his community, that he didn't study enough Torah, he once came late to prayers, etc.

Then he opened the second ledger, saying to G-d,
"These are my failings, now here's what You didn't do... I asked for a better living wage this year and you didn't give it to me. My wife is still ill. My children need shoes..."ť

In the end he concluded, "Look, I didn't live up to my obligations and You didn't live up to Yours. So let's call it even. I'll close my book, You'll close Your book, and we'll start a new year again with a clean slate."

We learn from this story that the relationship between us and G-d is a partnership. When G-d created human beings in His image, He invested something Divine in us. There is a partnership between us and Him to perfect the world.

It is as if He founded a business, and said to us: "I am the investor, but you stand behind the counter."

Partners are accountable to each other. In the month of Elul, we take out our ledgers and make sure our accounts are in order. Rosh Hashana is audit day. G-d checks the books to see how we took care of His investment in us.

In so doing He doesn't look for perfection. He didn't create imperfect human beings to ask, "Why weren't you perfect?" He asks us only, "Why aren't you as much as you could have been?"

pandan initiation

there is a plant that grows here that is called "pandan". it is used daily in the offerings that are given. it is shredded very thinly and is all crinkly and kind of looks like the plastic grass filler that you put with the easter eggs in the basket. but this is real. you can buy it freshly cut daily, or buy fresh stems of it and cut your own. it is used together with flower petals in the offerings. it is also used when cooking some foods, like black rice pudding, in which the whole folded leaf is placed with the rice in the pot as it cooks and gives a lovely aroma to the food, and house!

in my attempt to "figure out" what is so magical here...when in fact, it all seems so simple, unpretentious, normal, natural, and asking the balinese themselves, gives me no answers...i have resorted to trying to live like them to see what their lifestyle can reveal to me...how does waking up at four in the morning and walking to the market feel? how does it effect the rest of my day? the people i meet? the food i eat? my sense of time? how does it feel making the offerings from fresh palm leaves cut with a small sharp knife in my hands as i wield its' blade to get the right proportions for the little holder of the flowers? what do i my hands need to learn in order to use the thin bamboo strips as little pins putting the handmade offerings baskets together, instead of just taking the stapler, or better yet, just buying a bag of 16 offerings all ready for 30 cents? how do i feel walking around in a sarong? what movements can't i do with it? what does it feel like to give thanks to the fire, water, air, earth ancestors, protectors, Source, each day? what does it feel like to shower and put on special clothes twice a day to do so? what does it feel like to shower by pouring cold water that sits in a tall tub all week, with a plastic cup onto me? how does it effect me to only use my right hand for eating, and touching food? how does it feel to play in the gamelon orchestra with another 25 women and not just listen to the music that they play? what happens if i smile and tell everyone on the street that asks me where i am going...where i am going? what does living all day outdoors do to someone? and the whole family sleeping together on one big mattress? (that i already did with my own children!) praying with others sitting on the ground at the temple with incense and priests? not having a refrigerator? spending $1 a day for food? letting go of any time framework? of hearing villagers chanting in the loudspeaker at 5 a.m, while shopping in the market with the other women with the fresh fish that the fishermen just brought in and their wives are selling it? and of being called "the tourist" by one and all!

so...in my attempt to try and understand how their minds and lives tick...i decided to learn how to cut the pandan leaves, like they do. so, last year i did it with scissors! but was encouraged to have patience and keep trying...this year, i was given "a knife", and tried my best. i thought my best was "good enough"! i had asked several women to demonstrate, i had copied them, more or less, and was resigned to the fact that someone who has done this for 30 years does it better than me, and no big deal. but i also wanted to experience the meditative side of the making of offerings...how can i put intention and peace and attention into the making of them, in place of frustration, bleeding fingers, and judgement?

once i realized that i can buy the leaves at the market in the morning, i became "a regular"...buying a packet of leaves and taking them home and spending an hour trying to shred them ...more or less. i knew from being a potter that the secret is just observe...observe a pro...and then when i try, bring that picture to my mind...let my body photograph it inside itself, let my eyes notice what each finger, hand, knife, leaf are doing...and then, try, try and try again...

for some inexplicable reason, all the "teachers" i have had in my life, never spoke, or if they did, i didn't understand the language they were speaking...so i just had to "learn by doing"... sacred movements, pottery, tai chi, chinese calligraphy, gamelon, hoola hooping, qigong, and now...shredding pandan leaves...and for some inexplicable reason, i just forge on, even though i haven't the faintest clue and the results are less than satisfying...but something inside feels driven and nourished by the intention and effort being made. at the time it is always for something that has no real purpose or meaning in my life...just a desire within to master it because i believe therein lies a secret that something inside me needs to know. and so it was with the pandan leaves.

it took a while until i learned who sells the freshest nicest ones, how much they cost, how many bundles i need for one days' offerings, how long they last, when to cut them,..so there were days when i walked back from the market with a quantity of pandan leaves that left all those that passed me baffled! "what is the tourist going to do with all those pandan leaves?!" practice! out of default....i just didn't know i could buy less, or that i needed less...since the balinese really do "live for today" i have begun respecting and noticing how things are packaged...and assume that the reason there are 4 long string beans is because for an average family, that is how much will stay fresh for a day or two, or, 4-6 pieces of tofu is considered a family portion, a quarter of a carrot and 3 chinese cabbage leaves plus one leafy green stalk in a plastic bag makes soup stock, etc. so after some time i realized that the 7 pandan leaves wound with a thin piece of bamboo, is enough for shredded leaves for one days' offerings.

one of my "teachers" that did speak, was a 14 year old girl who told me that "its important to take a large quantity if you want to shred them thinly". so...obsessive compulsive eileen....all or nothing...took all 4 packets of pandan that can also be purchased as a "unit" at the market, for 20 cents, (and is probably meant for women who shred it and sell it in ready made offerings, since it is a huge quantity for one person!) and i was sitting on my veranda, with my 28 pandan leaves firmly graped in my left hand but oh so difficult to hold, happy that i had finally "got it" but wondering how do those women make it so fine and thin?

the lovely woman gardener/angel that works here at the guest house saw me as she walked by, and giggled. it's interesting that they have more or less the opposite approach to "tact" then we westerners do. they laugh when someone falls, makes a fool of himself, is doing something the wrong way....whereas we would be so polite. so in the "physical world" they just laugh about actions...but on the emotional plane" they are ever so careful never to cause someone to lose face, never to criticize someone about something he has said, or argue...or show someone he lied, or didn't do something he was supposed to do, or to shame or disrespect someone. so after she finished giggling, and i was just looking at her like "well....what am i doing wrong?" she took the knife and the leaves from me. and the only word she said was " a little".

ah...just the opposite of what my first teacher told me! and then she proceeded to shred the thinnest, most beautiful pandan leaves i had ever seen. i knew all the pitfalls, from all of my attempts, but here she was, and it was all perfect...i watched every movement, how she arranged the leaves to begin with ( i had always known that was important, but no one seemed to give it any importance,,,except her!). she fit them snugly into each other in the crease they naturally have, and when she grasped them she made sure that the folded edges of them were carefully folded in her grip so that each pandan shred would be a crinkly long thin piece, that when placed on the offering would hold everything in place and be a work of devotion.

she demonstrated for a few minutes, in silence, and me with my hawk eyes, and open listening body trying to just "be present" and trust that it will rub off on me! when she was done, a lovely pile of pandan shreds sat on my big bamboo tray, as inspiration. i continued...with my gross, random, straggly, shreds...i would observe how they look in my pile compared to hers, but was slowly making progress with each new batch that i tried. good enough. thank you. grateful.

but...two days ago i again bought a quantity that was way too much for me, just didn't tell the vendor the right words when i pointed to it, but once i opened up the nicely tied packet she had arranged for me so that the leaves weren't jutting out onto my head from my shoulder bag all the way home, i realized that she will be my pandan vendor...nice lovely fresh long leaves, already making the task more enjoyable. it was easy to line them all up with their folds, taking small portions like my gardener angel had said, and off i went, shredding...but the gnawing search within me continued...."how does she make them so thin and lovely? how? what is the secret? what am i doing different?"

the photos my mind had taken of her hands as she had demonstrated, were similar to mine, she had used my knife, so that wasn't the problem, when she placed the knife against the pandan leaf each time in order to shred it, it was as if a voice was telling me "there is the secret" ...but i still didn't know what... all i could do was remain there, with intention, with desire to be at one with knife and leaf and make the most beautiful shreds for the offering. each time the knife touched the leaves, i tried to envision the end result of a long thin crinkly pandan shred...but...alas, they were still thick, short, and random. hmm...there had been much progress since the first time...the effort made also by the hand with the knife that had intention, along with the left hand that brought the leaves up to the knife as if feeding it to the knife. but still, something was rough, coarse, grueling, not effortless, in flow, without ME there...

and then suddenly i heard a different sound coming from the shredding! yes! that's what it sounded like when she shredded! not staccato like when i do it, but a rhythmic lightness! what am i doing? how did that happen? i looked down at the pile, and there were a few thin long nice crinkly ones! hey! yes! but how? and then, it was as if my hands and the knife had an intelligence of their own, and in spite of ME, they knew what to do, and i just had to let them do it, and get out of the way already! the pandan leaves were "being shredded"! i continued to allow my hands to shred them without interfering, but just to witness and see what the secret is. and when i looked down, i just had to laugh, and thank God.

of course! how could i have thought otherwise? I, alone, am powerless over shredding pandan leaves. but...if i "lean" on someone, something, allow myself to be supported, to let go and trust, have a vision where i want to get to, have an intention to make something useful to serve a higher force, use my tools with respect, and allow myself to be a vessel for something to flow through me, then something beautiful is created through me. i still continued to watch the thin crinkly long pandan leaves being shredded and tried to feel what those balinese women feel when they are in this state. how come none of them could describe this to me? do they even know they are in it? do they know anything different than this state?

the only difference was that it was neither the hand with the knife nor the hand with the pandan leaves that was doing the shredding. yes, there was an active force, and a passive force in each hand, but it was the addition of a third force; the base of my thumb, and the leaning against it of the knife, that suddenly "allowed" the knife to shred the pandan leaves, and the pandan leaves to be shredded ever so thinly, without the least concern of cutting my finger anymore. it was no longer even relevant. the shredding was happening on a whole other plane, and the sound of it was now like music. i thanked god, was grateful for the "gift" of initiation, and wondered what other secrets the pandan leaves will show me next time!