The Embrace

I knew I was returning to bali. I was on the planes, in the airports, but it was just a statement. There was no emotion or sensation connected to it. I couldn't understand why. I had waited for this moment for months, and here it was happening, and where was I?  Had I turned into some kind of robot without feelings? Or maybe I didn't even really want to return to Bali and I was just in some In between place ; no longer feeling part of Israel and no longer able to return to the past in bali?  How would I know the answer? What if this is all one big mistake? What if it really was a figment of my imagination? Maybe I am just always thinking that were I was is better than where I am now? And what will happen if I land and still everything is blah?

I tried to sleep on the last of my 4 flight ticket to bali since I knew that being awake for 3 days straight could also have something to do with this zombie feeling I had of not feeling part of the world.  But all I got was the gift of being wide awake in spite of my own desire to get some sleep….So at the end of the three hour flight I heard the stewardess announcing that you have just landed in Paradise; the island of Bali! Hmm…not a bad synonym but pretty big boots to fill.  Is it my paradise?

The new airport arrival hall was huge, modern and non-descript. I could have landed anywhere in the world. It did not have any of the magic of the old small one whose architecture resembled the traditional stone carved temples with scary images at the entrance to guard and frighten any unwanted spirits and which also gave a taste of the magic to be found on the island.

By the time I reached the immigration officers after having walked across the big hall, it was possible to begin to sense the uniqueness of bali. The officers were casually dressed, laid back with no burning desire that the next person in line realize that they were available to stamp their passport, and just waited unconcerned. That sense of perfect faith that everything is exactly the way it is supposed to be, without any big boss running the show or need to get things done quicker or anything, is what gave a sense of homecoming for me, even though I quickly took control of the situation and started to call out from behind them to the ones ahead of me that the clerk to the right is available….it was my own selfish desire to get out of there  after being in transit for 3 days, and knowing that my friend is meeting me at the arrival hall and I want to get there already.

The smiling woman at the money exchange right outside the sliding arrival door, also gave me a sense that this was bali…not amman, or abu dahbi, or Bangkok, or Singapore. Not that I have any complaints about those places that I had just passed through over the last days, but because the smile and the down to earthiness of here was different than those other countries. And then finally turning to the tens of dark skinned men that stood with names on hand made signs welcoming the newly arrived visitors they were to meet, I deciphered my friend whose ex- wife was standing next to him pointing to the top of his head and smiling so I would pay attention to him and stop searching all of the faces.  How nice to be greeted by them both. An unexpected surprise, since I thought she had been "banished" because of adultery and they were no longer in touch. But here they were together, falling in love for the third time again. When I later asked him how that happened he said "I just had to let go of my ego. I love her. It is simple." Yes…it is.

The three hour midnight ride home felt comforting along the narrow winding empty roads, with the dogs slowing moving aside as the moderate paced van drove through the forests and villages. Why does this feel real, compared to anywhere else? Why does it feel like the energy and all the surroundings are so alive, like a beating heart? What makes it feel different than anywhere else in the world I have travelled to? Is it because of the daily offerings and ceremonies being done that embues it all with a vibrant life force? The thought crossed my mind of how the love I feel towards a baby transforms him into something even greater in my eyes than just a baby. Could that be it? That there is just so much love and attention being given to Nature and their surroundings that it changes everyones' inner experience towards them. I could feel myself being embraced by the tree lined roads in the dark.

Off to sleep at four in the morning even though it is the time that I would normally be starting my day by going first to the market and then to the sea. Happily sleep overtook me and my body was finally horizontal instead of in a plane seat. Without any recollection of how much time had passed since I fell asleep, I awoke suddenly to the dawns early light and the sounds of gentle recorded gamelon music amplified and echoing in the forest. I smiled, having forgotten how meaningful the music filled air had been to me while living here. By the sound of it I knew it was in honor of the full moon . I dozed back to sleep, awakening again a while later to the chanting and bird and rooster songs that rang out as if the whole world was just one big musical performance.

After a quick getting used to of me pouring cold water on myself as my shower, I dressed. And before I could think how I would manage food today since the market closes by 7 a.m. and I missed it, in walked nyoman with a tray full of freshly cooked rice, sambal, tofu, tempeh and spicy eggplant mung sprout soup. What a welcoming. And what a breakfast! As soon as the spicy dishes touched my taste buds and tongue I laughed and remembered how much I loved this food, and hadn't eaten it for the past 9 months.

I then left for the sea. As my feet touched the dusty narrow path through the forest they too expressed their pleasure of finally being on earth again instead of concrete or in a car. The forest that surrounded me embraced me too, reminding me how connected I feel when I am surrounded by tropical trees in a natural surrounding alone. After a few minutes I could already see the sea. It too was a welcome surprise and treat. I had forgotten everything over the months I had been away and did not entertain any thoughts or memories of the past existence here.

The waves, the sound of the sea, the wet black sand, the huge tree lined shore, and the  smooth stones scattered on it, also made me feel comfortable and grateful for this perfect spot where I meditate and exercise and stare out into space daily. After a little while I could again feel the heaviness of my lids and body that were still in need of more sleep after almost 3 days of being awake. A memory of how I had once fallen asleep on the stones on the beach, crossed my mind. I figured that was a good enough clue as any of what to do next. And so I did. And as I laid down on the sand and stones, a very strong sensation of being embraced was felt inside and out. Yes, I was being embraced by Bali upon my return…paradise.