February first, a new beginning here in bali, so strange what has happened, that I have to leave, that it is this slow process of realizing it, seeing them cleaning everything, I don’t know if it's because of me or if they do this all the time but there is a feeling that they are getting rid of all the evil spirits that may have led to by leaving ..to the rats, who knows…there is a fellow that has been cleaning the little straw umbrella gazebo where I spent almost all of my…..he is washing and brushing and sweeping and wiping and it is totally amazing….maybe I am the evil spirit…who knows..i just know that it is time to leave kubu lalang resort, and that what was is no longer…it is possible to say that I am making it this way, that I am holding on to the past and the rats were and it is all over already, but now that when I went to cili emas resort, and walked around again and again and again that my body finally relaxed and that I felt safe and open and calm again, and on the ride back in the bemo, I started to feel how my body was tensing up again and I was powerless over it all.. I prayed the entire 2 hour ride, and it was a familiar feeling of déjà vu, and then I remembered the first time I went to Thailand maybe 5 years ago, I had the name of a place, but had no idea where it was and how it would look and if it was what I needed, and from the moment I got into the cab I just started saying serenity prayer, and after getting lost and not finding it for hours, we arrived, and it was nighttime and I couldn't see anything but I knew that I had arrived at where I was supposed to be. And even though there was no room, I told them I was staying and slept outside on a cot with the mosquitoes all night and the crashing of the sea, barely sleeping, and when I opened my eyes in the morning, I knew I had reached "home" and that is where I stayed for 2 years for vacation each time, and then moved here to bali, and also, kubu lalang was the first site that showed up on the internet when I pressed " a cheap bungalow in bali" and I had set a price limit of $15, and when I looked at the price, it was $15 and I knew it was my answer….and I wanted to live here, but they said I couldn't so I came back just for 3 months now, but when they said I couldn't I knew I needed to still go back to bali, and I surfed he inernet for months, trying to find a quiet, small, nice place by the sea….not an easy task….and cili emas resort was everything I needed for a trip for my mom and I, the communcation with them was so nice, and everything was perfect, and then my mom backed out and I let go of it and figured I need to find a simpler place…and this went on and off with them, even making reservations with them joyfully and cancelling them at the last minute when I received the nice response from caspar at kubu lalang near lovina, asking if I could stay for the extra 2 weeks on my second trip I was making…and thought that at least there I know I will be happy since I loved it so much last time….and in the end they agreed for it all and I cancelled the first place…and now when the rats fell from the wall onto the floor in a thud at night and it made me sick to my stomach, I knew I had to find another place, but where ? so I wrote cili emas and asked to come see it, and found myself in such a similar situation with the bemo driver, but at least he wasn't touching his crouch the whole time, and just praying since I didn't know what I would find and how I would feel…and what I found was amazing…we made many wrong turns since he didn't want to call , as arranged, and have them guide us, but he kept asking the villagers, and as we drove through the lovely village of tejakula, all decorated for the yearly ceremony for their village temple, I felt it was a very nice place, and especially seeing everyone in their ceremonial clothes and offerings lined up on the sides of their houses or walking to the temple…
we parked the car and walked through a field by foot getting lost some more, until we were found by the receptionist and she brought us to the little gate off the sea, and showed me my room, one of 5, at a place run by a german couple, all just aesthetic and perfect…but I had to feel if it is the right decision, leaving all of the people and energy and sea that I love at kubu lalang, ..this place was very different,…so i just kept walking around, feeling it and me, the driver waited for me, sweet. And finally my body said yes…the strong feminine energy there, the temple next door, the beautiful room, with big open window s and white walls, and a lovely outdoor bathroom and a nice pool behind my room and a lovely little restaurant, and only women running it all , so different from the male workers everywhere at kubu lalang, yes, I want to stay here..i wanted to sleep there already, and made arrangements, but suddenly remembered half way to the car that I need to extend my visa still so I had to return back to kubu lalang and the rats, so that this morning I could arrange my visa, make closure here, and then go again with my driver to cili emas to stay…
the $1000 i had just paid kubu lalang in advance for my 2 month stay, was not returned to me. i had paid them because they needed money to buy new uniforms for the staff...i thought i would help them out and pay in advance...and when 4 days later the rats fell around me in bed, and i realized that i cannot live there like that...they smiled goodbye, the $1000 in their pocket...no refund...sorry...we go according to international hotel rules about cancellations.... i was in shock...you can have a calm conscience knowing that you have $1000 of mine that you did not earn?! for me it was a lesson that my self worth is worth losing $1000....but i wonder what their karma will be like at kubu lalang knowing that they kept money from me even though the rats in the room are not included in the price of the room!
Coming back here found me all contracted again as we drove closer and closer and then crying as I met caspar and kadeh and tried to tell each of them that I was leaving…it felt like how I couldn't speak when I realized I had to get divorced…all sad and chocked up and knowing that I had to do it even thought it was bringing s much pain to all of us…I needed the fresh air, I had pushed myself into a contraction that no longer allowed me to breathe freely…and the rat episode here did the same,…
So now I feel empowered enough to cope, hopefully this morning with all of the bureaucracy and interaction s, maybe without crying???
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