Rav says that until there is a lacking, the desire cannot be filled. So we must experience the suffering, even if for a short time, in order to have the true inner cry of prayer to God. This can happen quickly or slowly but there is no escaping it….just like any other birth; with an incubation time and then the contractions and then a new life comes out…He also speaks about another universal law; that any truth must contain both the right and left sides, so that we must make a conscious choice when in the left side to choose the right and thus balancing out in the middle; that is how we are partners in the creation of a conscious human being, and not one that has been given everything and does not recognize and value it Another universal law is that god only brings goodness and is good, because god is love and that is all that love is. And lastly, we must fall to the lowest step, forgetting everything, as we ascend to the next step, thus crying out to god for help, since we are powerless, so as low as I fall that is how high I will rise; with the distance getting greater and greater with each next step.
These are the lessons that I had to learn again, these past few days, at a deeper level. I had also prayed to God on Sunday that I be shown a healthy attitude towards money. I knew that by praying for that, the lessons would begin and they won't be fun but that was only a fleeting thought, which did not deter me, since the pain of being trapped in an unhealthy attitude towards money; of giving it power, and inappropriate importance, and not just using it as a source of energy for transactions just like any other energy source that is sometimes full and sometimes empty but can always be recharged, like my camera and laptop batteries which I am constantly recharging on this trip, since they get used up by the use of them. And since the Russian technician that repaired my laptop announced to me, in a tone resembling ; the sun shines in the day and the moon at night….that a battery is recharged when it has emptied and that way it has a long life, and not to have it plugged in all the time recharging since that shortens its life! I had thought that it is best to just keep it plugged in all the time….but I guess this too is based on the principle that there needs to be a need in order for it to be filled…so money wise…I need to use money in order to receive money, it must flow, just like in nature; ebb and flow, night and day, death and life, and the seasons, inhale /exhale…so not to be fear filled each time it goes out that it is going to end or that when it comes that I need more and more so it won't end.
So when the rat experience began, a day or two after I arrived at my resort here in bali, hearing at night a noise of things falling on the floor from the shelf, each night, I realized that a rat was passing through. It disgusted me and I mentioned it to the owner, who laughed and said that they are really quite cute and at the moment they are refugees since the rice fields have been harvested, so we will give them a place for a little while until they return to their natural homes in the waterways of the rice paddies…and that they are not dirty or dangerous, like in the western world. It disgusted me but I thought : okay, lets just not think about them, move my things into the bedroom, keep the bathroom door closed and before entering it each time at night, turn on the light, bang the door, and that way at least I won't have any confrontations with the rat itself…so that is what I would do every night.
Upon looking back on it, which is always the only way we can understand life, I realize that that was the first contraction (of not being able to simply go into my bathroom at night, but must remember each time to bang and light on…) also the first hatred (ugh, a rat! Big fat long grey tail and uninvited into my private space) which would necessitate learning how to let go of that fear and hatred and find love and acceptance of all of gods creatures, no? and thirdly the betrayal of myself; that something that was unacceptable to me, was agreed to in order to please a man (an old and familiar character trait of mine since a childhood trauma which I thought I had finished working on already!)
From this point, there were slowly added other incidents, conversations, episodes, all small details, which now fill in a bigger picture of the need for things to grow before they can reach a point of maturation and when ripe, be picked. But of course so much synchronicity, or rather it is all synchronicity, since god brings it all in perfect timing…so the combination of asking god for a lesson in using money healthily combined with an attempt to get me to invest a huge sum of money in some land by an unemployed Balinese man, and having to trust my intuition regardless of smiles and promises of others, and also a mystery (of having the lighter I bought disappear from my room a few days later and when I told the owner that morning about it with me feeling suspicious of the housekeeping crew that said they didn't take it or see it, but I know it disappeared so who did??, he said that another option to consider is that he has just returned home and all kinds of things are not in place, and his room was locked so he realizes that before the rats ate the poisoning that he left for them the other day, they must have been busy taking and moving things so….it just might be that and minutes later I found a rat turd right next to the place where the lighter had been and was so happy that I could trust housekeeping and that indeed it was a rat, great!!)… and the need to be true to myself; full scale, and not contracted and making due but empowered and a goddess, were all the elements necessary to reach breaking point the other evening (the breaking of the waters…a sign that the birth has begun?)
So…I was laying in bed at night, under my nice mosquito netting, just falling asleep, in my bamboo woven walled bungalow with tall ceiling and opening between wall and roof for ventilation, when….a screech of an animal and then THUD!! sounding as if right next to my bed. And then the realization that it was a rat that had fallen from above onto the floor. Ugh. I screamed and then just turned teeny tiny into a contracted naked ball in the middle of my bed, listening for the next signs of movement from this creature. Ugh. I was afraid to go out of my netting in the dark for fear of actually meeting the rat, but also feared that he may fall on the netting or come under it and into my bed…the other guest that left the day before had mentioned awakening that morning from a sensation of something nibbling at her toe, but when she looked she didn't see anything (and she loves animals, so she wasn't afraid but just curious if she had a rat or mouse inside her bed!). And then another THUD! from the other corner (just know my room was altogether a little bit bigger than my bed, so…the other corner was just another direction, and not far away somewhere!) Ugh! I screamed again. And continued sitting in bed, listening, and after a while realized that I cannot stay like this all night, listening, contracted with an animal in my room, so I found the light switch, and slowly opened the mosquito netting and began to put some clothes on, watching all around me, and noticed the rat, standing there next to the bamboo clothes shelf, looking at me. I ran out the door to call the guard to come get rid of him…he didn't understand any English, so I ran and called the waiter from the restaurant who did understand, a young 20 year old smiling happy gentle boy that heroically took a flash light and invited the guard to come with him to investigate where the rat is and take him out! They prowled around my room (doesn't take too long, its so small) and shrugged their shoulders and said it has gone, and that he will tell housekeeping in the morning….Now what to do? Sleep outside with all the mosquitoes on a chair? Sleep inside, not knowing if the rat will come again? So with no other idea, I climbed back under the netting and sat there contracted all night. What do I do now? Are rats just a fact here in bali, I have to learn to accept them?? Is this appropriate? Is this just a paranoia of mine? So there's a rat, he's not harming you...are you going to leave this great place because a rat fell in your room? Are you going to leave bali because of this? You have paid in advance for 3 months here, what will you do now? If there is a rat here, there are rats everywhere, since also the owners told you that they had them…so in time of need, I wrote my brother in Australia that is on more or less the same time schedule as here, and asked his advice as a world traveler in spas and bungalows all over asia…and within moments he wrote back, saying he had never encountered a rat in his travels and made some suggestions, ending up with :only you know what your answer is, what your karma is, why this is in YOUR life now. and that whatever I decide, that money will NOT be the determining factor, but rather what is true for ME. I was a mess; confused, contracted, sick to my stomach, alone, tired, grateful for our chat but unclear about what was happening and what I need to do now… until finally leaving at 4 am to sit at the beach and await the new day…
Part of the synchronicity was that when the other women guests left on Friday for another more luxurious resort, I told them about a place I had found on the internet…and had even made reservations at and later cancelled since I decided to return to the resort I was at again, and it was also in the north, but I couldn't remember where, and what it was called…we asked the driver on the way out east to their resort if we can stop there along the way and see it (at the insistence of the german woman: if we're already in the direction and you are in the car why don't you stop and see it so you will know for next time if it is nice!) and we tried but without a phone number, name or place…it was a bit difficult and I let it go….and I promised them that I would send it to them by email when I got back to my room later….which I did. And when I did, I decided also to take a look at the prices and description and correspondence, and it was all so nice, and even the same price I was paying here…but who knows what it really looks like, and how the beach is, and how the people are, and if there is a nice village near by and what kind of food is there, and and and…
So in my distraught state I sat in my favorite place opposite the sea, but instead of being open and happy and grateful and inspired and alive, like always, hooping, tai chi, playing the onkelon (gamelon) , photographing , swimming….i was stiff, small, sad, lost. What do I do? I prayed for guidance….none came…I was left with myself. No clarity, no comprehension just confusion; I love the people here, I want to play in the temple orchestra, I have paid for 3 months in advance and there are no refunds, what now? no answer…
My brother had suggested that I leave for a few days, let them put some rat poison around, and then decide… I did the footwork; emailed the owner of the other resort, and asked if the room was still available? An answer came; yes. Can I come today to look at it? An hour later an answer came, yes. I kept praying and waiting for "signs' to tell me what to do, a "yes" means "go" so after waiting a few hours for directions and an okay, I went walking along the main road trying to figure out how to get there, since there are no real cabs or buses and no hitch hiking…just kept praying and trusting…so many men had honked and said : "transport?" every time I walked along the road… and I never needed it so I never took them up, so it will hopefully happen this time too…
A "bemo" is a little van with 2 narrow benches in the back and an open sliding door which people along the road can stop at any moment and crawl into and get off wherever they want, for a mere 2 nis…within a 15 kilometre length. The drivers are very proactive, always looking for someone to come into their 6 (skinny Balinese style body) seater in order to make a little money (or maybe to help someone get to where they are going?! Come on eileen, don't be so focused on greediness!) …so along honks a bemo, he opens the front door next to him for me to sit at! Am I a queen? I never saw anyone sitting there before…thank you! Got in, and told him where I was headed (1 1/2 hours east to tejakula ) he laughed….he only goes to the next town! I said, fine…and then he said; "Special?" I thought a moment, and asked "How much?" and as all clever bargainers know when dealing with a tourist; let the tourist start the bargaining because their sense of money is so immense why lose out by stating your top price when it may be 4 times more?!! So I thought, and thought and then showed him a bill equivalent to $5…he laughed…I ignored it….he continued…$10? I said no. silence…."whats your price?" I said $6 and so on and so on until we hit 8 and it was win win…he happily dropped off the last few passengers and started the journey east, bumping along the road in this old run down car, but grateful that someone was taking me to where I had to go and I wasn't out on the street still looking for a motorbike ride or something…
He was already planning how I will get back and when and round trip special etc…and when we got to the village where the resort was, an hour later, after praying the entire way still confused, closed down and contracted, there was a feeling that this is a lovely healthy village…It feels good…that was my Geiger counter…if it feels good, go that way, if not, don't.
I now skip to what happened once I returned to my resort…
I was met one after the other on the path by the owner, my spiritual advisor and driver, the guard/gamelon teacher, and the waitress…all wanting to know how I am and what I am doing..and each time I got so chocked up I just cried and said that I have to leave. The owner recommended I stay in a different bungalow that has no rats, and see how I feel about it in the morning…I agreed since I had to go to the immigration office to extend my visa the following morning. It was not a pleasant experience. No rats, but not how I want to be on vacation…like a dungeon and my body and feelings were still so full of fear that I could not sleep and spent most of the night in bed writing and then went out to write at the beach at 4 a.m. only to find the staff busy cleaning the ceilings in the restaurant and the gazebo where spent most of my day…quite strange for 4 in the morning, and spending hours doing it, first with a broom then with feathers, then with water, and so thoroughly! And then I realized that they understood there was bad energy around and they had to get rid of those devils that had surrounded me and caused me to leave for another place….
As I met each of the staff, I broke down crying, telling them thank you and goodbye…these people had entered my heart ( the gardener, the guard, the owners) and now I was breaking my commitment and leaving. I went to the nursery opposite the resort and picked out a lovely orchid plant for the entrance instead of the deadish looking one, as a going away present, may they be blessed with new growth and energy by my leaving….(a wake up call for them too?) then when I told the guard to please say goodbye to all the women in the orchestra from me, he suggested that he take me now to the temple, even though no on will be there, but I can say goodbye. (what a sensitive devout soul, god bless him) I agreed. Hopped on his motorcycle and cried the whole way. When we got there I went up the stairs and stood in front of the platform with all of the instruments in place.and said a prayer of thanks, but he suggested that maybe I want to play the gamelon again (what a soul) and so I sat down again at my gamelon trying to remember the melody, which he kindly offered to bang out on a gamelon next to me so I could follow him…only now do I realize that even though I was touched and playing and connecting again to that powerful experience, I did not remember at that moment, to dedicate my playing to god, I was doing it more for myself, I am sorry….then he suggested we go say goodbye to the teacher, I agreed, but did not find him at home, and then he suggested also to his mother, who played in the orchestra with me, and was the gardeners wife, so we went to her, and again tears and a handshake and smile, the he suggested also to his wife, in the marketplace, and again, no words, just hand gestures of gratitude and prayer and smiles and tears…and then back to the resort, I thanked him and he asked when I will return, and I said I do not know. I think he believed I was leaving for Israel, and did not understand that it is to a different area an hour away to continue my vacation here….
The manager suggested we go to immigration now, so off we went, and as I sat there hoping to get my visa extended, I noticed a sign on the wall as you enter showing foreigners in shorts and a t shirt and another couple in long sleeves and a dress…and a cartoon blurb about "these people know how to dress when they come here"…but what shocked me was….it was coming from the thoughts of a ….yep….RAT!! I laughed and showed the Balinese manager, and he said that a rat in indonesia symbolizes corruption…ahh…the missing piece in my puzzle…I kept asking why the rat came….
Anyways,,,that’s another story with the visa. We returned, I had "come to my senses" finally after being in beaurocracy for an hour….and was able to talk and laugh about it with the owners who were eating breakfast, and I said goodbye and soon left, realizing there was no refund or gesture of reimbursement at all….letting it go…more important to be true to myself, then be true to money or to them….
Upon arriving at the resort, I realized I had come to my palace…and that here I am queen…lots of feminine energy, delicious handmade natural perfumed soap wrapped in a banana leaf, a lovely swimming pool, all women staff except for a very kind maintenance/guard/driver who is taking me now to the internet café to blog this! A neighboring village where I spent most of yesterday at a lovely sacred masked dance performance and offerings, and was greeted by all the friendly kind villagers who are wealthier than any I have seen until now…the vibes feel good, the sea is its gorgeous self, the sun is shining and so am I
I am greatful, grateful, and feel blessed from it all, a bigger vessel for gods will, amen
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