When I was so shook up over the rat episode and didn't know what to do, I wrote my brother an e-mail asking his advice. Along with everything else he wrote, the bottom line was that nothing is accidental or a mistake, but all perfectly orchestrated and if I can detach from desires and attachments and just participate in the unfolding drama that goes on and will go on always, then it can be quite pleasurable and interesting, not so emotional and disturbing. Know it is all a game with god (my words, not his!) and play along knowing all is well and can only be well. Yes, yes, yes, I know, I know, I know, I try I am, I will, yes.
And I really do agree with him. Every word of it, and am always sure that I do see this and believe this and understand this and appreciate this and find the joy and excitement in it and the gratitude….but that only happens usually totally as I look back on it, and not while I am experiencing that first heart twinge of "Oh no!".
So , while I was at the temple, praying and watching the play, I was sitting on the ground where you first remove your tongs from your feet and then proceed to sit ON them as your little cushion and to that there is order, with thousands of people coming and going! So I did the same, and discovered how comfortable that actually can be! So clever! But when I plumped myself down onto my tongs for the performance I thought I heard a little sound coming from my tongs, and when I took a look under me, I saw that one of them was now cracked at the connection. Ugh…that means that I will probably have to walk home barefoot from the village to the resort and along the rocky beach…Having had a tong break during my last trip I was not thrilled about again being "sandaless" and far from home and with no money on me to buy one along the way…I decided not to think about it and what will be will be, at most I will walk barefoot…
As I later walked home, I just walked and did not preoccupy myself with fear or solutions, but just stayed in the moment. When I arrived back home, I happily removed my tongs, still intact, and went to sleep. The following day I took money so on the way to the internet I could buy another pair of tongs. I asked madie, the maintenance man, where to buy, and how much it should cost. He shrugged, not knowing the answer to either question…And then I remembered that all along the path through the village each of the numerous kiosks have tongs hanging there next to the flour and oil and barrettes, so I will find them. Ah, but when I was in the middle of the downpour that first day, soaking wet under my umbrella, a kind shopkeeper, with just a slit open to the entrance so that the rain would not enter, had come out and pointed that I should stand under his little 30 cm. deep roof to stay dry. I thanked him for his offer and glued myself against the wall to take advantage of the narrow overhang to stay out of the rain. While I stood there, all I could see was that he had tongs hanging for sale…so…why not go and buy a pair from him and return the favor? When I reached him, the last shop in the village before the wi-fi I was headed towards, I showed him the torn one so he would know what size (it looks like for giants, compared to what size most peoples feet are here! When I bought this pair last year in the bazaar the shoe man had to roam the bazaar trying to find one pair my size!). He looked at it, bent down, handed me another pair a little smaller, also in white, and said something in Balinese like; "this is the largest I have, I think it is fine for you." I compared, yes, it was a bit smaller, asked if I could try it on, sure, and when I put it on, they were so lovely, just the size and delicacy I needed, compared to the oversized ones I had bought last time and had always felt so clumpy in! I asked the price: $1. Thank you ( no need to bargain about that! Even though madie had told it is possible). Placed them in my purse having come in my Birkenstock sandals this time, and went on my way.
When I returned to my bungalow that afternoon I placed them in front of the steps so that during the day as I go in and out of my room and around, I could slip my feet into them…just placing these nice new white tongs next to the steps made me feel good. And later, when I was invited to come eat lunch, I wore them and walked over to the open air restaurant a few meters away, and marveled at how nice my feet look in them and that yes indeed,, a goddess needs nice new white tongs that are the proper size in order to walk a new path in her life here! And then I remembered how when I had heard the little cracking noise as I sat on my tongs during the performance the day before, my heart twinged, "Oh no! my tong has broken, how will I manage to walk home? Now I will have to spend money on another pair! More unnecessary expense! What can I do? A victim…." The next time something happens, will I be able to truly feel inside me :"oh great! My tongs have cracked! Guess that means another adventure awaits me! How exciting! I wonder what God has in store for me this time!! Yeah!!"
It is now 3 hours after I wrote the above entry. I was supposed to meet my bemo driver by 9 who was going to bring me back to immigration where I had an invitation to be there at 10 and where, hopefully I would get my visa extension without having to leave the country and come back in….so I waited…and waited…on the corner, after walking through the village and being asked by total strangers all along the way:"where you go?" And my answer: "Singaraja". Followed by their nod of approval…so everybody knew I was going to singaraja…and when it was already 9:15 and I would already arrive late for my appointment, I began to look around me at all the men and bikes just hanging around, and started motioning that I need a ride to singaraja…and suddenly one waved over the bemo that was just driving by and yelled "singaraja?" and the driver said yes, and I ran across the street, not sure I thanked the kind man that was quick to catch me the once an hour bus that had 1 place left in it. When I got to the side of the always open folding bus door I was a bit surprised! What I found were 14 people already jammed inside (3 next to the driver) big trays of fresh fish that needed to get to the marketplace and 1/4 of the 1950's van filled with piles of the leaf rice plates for sale, also needing to arrive at the market in singaraja…where I was going to fit into all of this I had no idea…but, suddenly a little bit of upholstery appeared big enough for a Balinese tush to sit on, and I plopped myself down, smiling…and off we drove…v-e-r-y slowly……
My main concern was what to do if I suddenly see my other driver in his blue bemo coming in the opposite direction after having driven over an hour to pick me up and maybe was just stuck in some funeral traffic or something…I felt so bad about betraying him just in order to get to the immigration appointment…and then when we had gone for over 10 minutes I realized…relax, he is not coming, let it go…its already late…let it go…so then my mind was free to start obsessing about what I was going to do with this v-e-r-y slow bemo that was going to arrive way past my appointment…I started to say serenity prayer in order to stop worrying (God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change ( the fact that I was going to be late and what will happen??!)…) and then I laughed…I suddenly remembered this entry that I had just written an hour earlier, about being able to look at EVERY single thing that happens in my life as perfectly planned just for me by god, and can ONLY bring me to a more wonderful place! So can I just now ride in this bemo, be grateful for the miracle that it appeared at just the moment I needed it with exactly one free space for me, and that whatever happens at the immigrations office is also going to be a gift, so lets enjoy every second of life and STOP worrying and trying to control things and thinking there is a good result and a bad result etc…just lean back and enjoy the ride since god is the chauffeur!! And he was giving me another never ending opportunity to practice what I requested…my next life lesson; of just trusting that all is a game with me as the main character and god as the director in a play that has been especially written for me. It reminded me of the movie The Truman Show. At the time I saw it years ago I don't think I really understood the power and depth of it, because at the time it was a surprise idea, that everyone I meet and everything that I go through has been especially arranged just for me!! But ever since then I often recall it and ask myself is it really like that? And today, when I was sitting in this v-e-r-y slow bemo with all these Balinese poor people I realized that they were placed there just for me to be able to have my ride to singaraja at just this moment, not a minute before…
And then all my senses awakened and I realized that this was a great opportunity to lean back and enjoy the ride since the driver had made the effort to attach a huge speaker facing the passengers that was blaring out Balinese rock music…what an opportunity to discover that world during the v-e-r-y long ride….and at one point I recognized that the melody I was listening to in balinese was the tune "if you miss the train I'm on you will know that I have gone…." (500 miles?? Is the name?)
As my thoughts wandered I began to think about my bemo driver and what possibly could have happened….he didn't have my phone, but he knew where I was, we had gone over the plan several times, what time he would leave, when he would arrive, how much time it would take until I arrive at 10 to immigration etc…what could have happened??and then I started imagining that maybe the money I gave him "went to his head". The first ride I paid him $16 for the trip….$4 is a salary of a person who works an 9-5 job in the city…and he is just a poor bemo driver, driving up and down the main road between 2 cities honking at any one that happens to be walking on the road, and maybe would like a ride for 50 cents somewhere? The following day when he again picked me up., I laughed, the bemo had been washed inside and out, offerings placed on the shiny dashboard and on the windshield, a new air freshener place strategically to enhance the smell of it, he had new tongs on his feet, and I realized…he had hit the jackpot with me! Day after day making all that money!! And another trip planned to get to immigration 3 days later…wow!! So maybe he just thought "stop while you are ahead…what will happen if I drive all the way to pick her up and she isn't there and found another way to get there, and I will have to pay a round trip expense? Not wise. And decided to let me go…
So what was the surprise? I stopped the driver in front of immigration office and was paying him and who appears at my window?!! My driver, who had been sitting at immigration waiting for me to show up at 10 and apologizing for not having picked me up….i was in a hurry and had no time for excuses or clarifying …first I needed to see if they would still see me in immigration…will talk with him later…so he sat and waited, and I entered and kept saying serenity prayer since I saw my energy was starting to fill with "what if's" what if they don't extend it, what if I have to find an airplane ticket today, what if…and my mind calmed down, again remembered this entry and laughed again realizing that WHATEVER happens here is perfect.. and I imagined what my brother would be doing at this moment, and I saw him in my mind just leaning back on the chair enjoying the wait…so that's just what I did, even took out my laptop to start journaling and just then he called me and said to pay and come back in another 4 hours to pick it up…so…I have an extension. I have a driver, who apologized many times, and when I told him that at 3 if I find a motorbike driver that will take me back, it will save him the long journey and I just may do that…so he immediately said he will find a bike, and I will go with him,,,,"you not like my bemo?" and I laughed,. he thought it was because I don't like his little car…I told him I am just trying to find a cheaper way to get back and to save him the long trip…so he smiled, started bargaining, and we laughed and in the end he is taking me with his bemo…for 1/2 the price…what a world!
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