woman to woman

each time some inner desire arises that just sits in my heart in the place of desires....and waits...that maybe it may happen one day...and gratefully, the opportunity usually arises, and then i am "invited" to do the "footwork" which means 'jumping off a cliff" for me each time...for someone else it may be easy, but it always involves a "risk" for me...and i am happy that whenever that "risk" appears i prefer not to even think about it but just "do it" otherwise it looks way too scary...

so one of the desires that was presented to me this morning when i sat down for breakfast, was to ask the woman guest that arrived yesterday for a birthday celebration, if by any chance she is balinese and speaks english and is willing to answer a million questions that i have for a woman. this is after i watched her yesterday and was busy judging her that she acts like some princess and is so cold towards her husband and daughter and is just busy with resting because of a headache, and doesn't say anything and keeps telling her 5 year old daughter not to bother me, and meanwhile her german husband was very friendly with me and a good father to their daughter....

so, i asked her, and the answer was "yes" ; she is a woman, she is balinese, and she does speak english, and she is willing to answer all of my questions! great! since the whole time i have been here it is only men that usually speak english and i have been so curious about women, in the home, between themselves, in religion, with extended family, with professions, with sexuality, with spirituality, with birthing, with their bodies, with other women....

so...i started...and it was such a pleasure! she speaks excellent english, (along with balinese, indonesian,and german) and is very intelligent and very friendly and open and modern and willing to share about everything i asked her for 2 hours, at which point we had pretty much covered it all and she politely said we still have 2 days together, so we can speak some more another time. so much for my judging!

she was raised in a small village in the mountains in the north, not far from where i was living before. she is number 6, and the last, her father was a doctor, mother ran a hotel in a nearby city and she was exposed to foreigners from a young age, helping out at the hotel, and was apparently clever as a child also, which lead to her father sending her out into the world to java at the age of 18 with some money and told her "you are clever, and capable. go do something with yourself" and left her to manage on her own, after she had been raised like a princess at home. she was so hurt and shocked she didn't speak to her father for 6 months having felt he had thrown her out, not realizing that he did it from a place of love and total faith that this is what she needed in order to balance her princess-like existence until that time. after 6 months she spoke with a relative who also lived in java and she realized that her father had sent her off alone to university because he was educating her.

her mother was a wise woman, very strict, and died 8 years ago from a brain hemorrhage within 24 hours, leaving her in much sorrow and pain since she loved her mother very much and would no longer have someone to consult with in times of difficulty. but when i asked her about spirits and reincarnation and how she views the death of her mother, she said that whenever she has a really serious problem and she reaches a point where she is so sad that her mother died and that she has no one to share this with, she suddenly sees her mother smiling looking at her, and her answer appears, and she is consoled and guided.

she said that the average balinese wife is not respected and works very hard, and may even have to cope with her husband taking a second wife, even though she may be the breadwinner in the family! and that most balinese woman will stay in such lowly situations because of society and how she will be looked at if divorces. when asked about modesty and sexuality and their body image, she said that it is a taboo subject for them...no one ever speaks about it, not women with women, not women with men, not in schools, and that since she has been part of the western world also, having lived in germany and in the city, she has tried to tell her girlfriends and sisters and neighbors that they should take care of their bodies, and not get fat after childbirth since it is important to be attractive to their husbands, and that young boys and girls are being exposed these days to sexuality through the internet, so even though premarital sex is forbidden in hinduism, they are curious and want to experiment, so she helped a young girl who was her neighbor and explained to her all about it, but the girl decided to try it, but with one exception; without contraceptives, and got pregnant and had to marry. so she says she is only willing to help woman that want to help themselves and not those that just accept things. nowadays divorce is quite popular since this pattern of early sex, pregnancy then marriage from infatuation, is very common, and usually after 3 years they want to divorce.

she herself gave birth in a hospital to her one daughter because of slight complications, but when i asked her about the midwives in the village with the birthing centers, she said that most use them, but they are just like the hospital. you must give birth on a bed. she knows that in the past the women use to hold on to ropes hanging from the ceiling so they could birth in a squatting position, but all that is a thing of the past...

being married to a foreigner she has had to cope with much disrespect from the balinese, since they first of all assume that she is a prostitute. so she must constantly prove her intelligence and self worth in order to advance here. not a pleasant situation, but one she is well suited for! she was raised very strictly by her mother and believes in that and raises her daughter the same way, trusting that it is perfectly fine to let a baby cry, and even a small child, and when they are done crying you can take care of their needs, or explain to them the lesson they are to learn and that she loves them...television and sweets and being spoiled by grandparents are all no-no's other than at specific times for allotted periods...and that it all begins when they are children whining in a grocery store for more and more candy or whatever, and she said that even if the candy only costs 50 cents, it doesn't matter, since now it is the need to buy 5 different candies that altogether cost 50 cents and when they are older they will want 5 different shoes or rings or whatever, so it is important that they learn moderation and borders from a young age, regardless of the money it costs...

she was very certain and confident in her mothering, and i finally was able to understand from her point of view the borders that were given to me when i became a grandmother and couldn't just go and do everything i felt like with my new grandchildren, but had to first ask their parents...which i took personally and was hurt by it, not understanding that the parent decides and enforces the very clear borders that are necessary and doesn't have to allow grandparents to spoil this.wow!

there is a lot of competition among the women for the size and beauty of the offerings they bring to the temple ("the bigger the better") but in fact in the vedas (hindu holy books) even one flower is enough. prayer is done 3 times a day; 5:30, 12. and 6. this morning i was awoken by the most beautiful mysterious voice ringing out slowly in the dark of the morning at 5 o'clock. i realized that it is actually a melody that a popular woman singer even made a disc with some years ago (she also heard it in the early morning here in bali and thought no one would ever know?! and called it hers?!) and she said that these are just sounds that are made, sometimes overtones, and it changes by the person who sings it out, but the actual prayer is at 5:30 and is done alone at home for 5-10 minutes (no need for me to search for pre -dawn temple ceremonies anymore). and that the only thing that is important is the moment it is offered, and afterwards it is jut left to the elements, or can be eaten. but that many of the balinese get into debt because of the competition to make bigger weddings, celebrations, offerings, all because of their need for status. at one point as we spoke, a balinese woman walked by along the beach with a big offering on her head, perfectly balanced without the aid of her hands. i asked her if she too knows how to walk like this, since for me it has repercussions about how a woman "moves" in life; never making a sudden movement, or turning her head quickly to look at something that has caught her attention and always standing tall and poised and in the present...she laughed and said that she never learned how to do that, even though the teachers try to teach you with a bottle on your head in school. and then she went off on a tangent about all the games they would play as kids in order to achieve valued skills, like competing who could walk and thread a needle at the same time! or be able to finish eating a fruit that is dangling on a string from a tree with the wind blowing it back and forth, sometimes taking up to half an hour of persistence, etc.

her childhood village in the mountains had been closed to outsiders until 1997, at which time they were exposed to the western world. and when i asked her if people really are in touch with god and with nature, and community, the way it looks to me, she said that maybe there are some villages like that, but in the cities here, it is only appearances so that people will accept you and not because of devotion.and that the young girls that do offerings are simply helping their parents out, and are not being trained to be religious. but when i asked how the priest and priestess look so in sync and special to me, and they are a man and a woman but seem equal and not that she is second class, she said, "they are a totally different class. they live in another sphere where man and woman are equal. they are not in this material world" i liked that explanation...that is really how they look too.

and as she smiled and shared and explained i could feel how we are all one, all women, all living in different parts of the world, all coping with the same issues, challenges, needs, and this "princess" that i had judged yesterday, became a strong goddess/woman in my eyes. one woman sharing with another woman their experience, strength and hope.