what do i want?

i am still "high" from last nights gamelon rehearsal in the village temple....all of a sudden i was able to play all the 5 songs they have been working on for 3 months, by my 4th time with them...and it was such a miracle, and it felt so good to be playing the right notes and to be able to "hear" the chimes and know what to play....i am grateful...amazing...and today at 3 is the performance for the village, in honor of the full moon!

and suddenly this morning when i awoke, the first thought that came to my mind was what rav has said many times when asked: what will happen to new people that join the kabbalah, and haven't been studying with us for all these years? how will they catch up with us? and his answer is always the same: when they become part of the group they also receive all of the efforts that the group has made until now and they continue along with it already knowledgeable of the material that the group has studied so long to attain."
it always seemed a bit difficult to imagine such a thing, but i try and give rav credit unless i know i have discovered something that differs from him, which has only happened in one area until now (that an individual cannot "hear" god)....
and last night, when i went to the gamelon practice, my deepest desire was to be able to play the 5 songs correctly with the rest of the group, simply, not so that I would be special, but so that i could be part of the group being a channel for allowing this lovely music to flow through me out back to god....and i prayed, and as the evening went on, song after song was slowly "revealed" to me and i could finally hear and listen and know how to play them ( which reminds me of a lovely e.e.cummings poem :

"i thank you god
for most this amazing day
for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky
and for everything which is
natural infinite and yes
i who have died
am alive again today
and this is the suns birth day
the birth day of
life and love and wings
and of the gay great happening
illimitabley earth
now the eyes of my eyes are open
and the ears of my ears can hear

and what i thought last night, as all the leaders were giving me the "thumbs up" being pleased that i play well, was that my prayers had been answered and i learn how to play ....but this morning when that thought about how the group empowers and the individual that joins the group receives all of their knowledge too...i realized that that is really what happened....this women have been working hard for 3 months, and when i came also with a desire to work hard and be part of the group, i received their efforts together with mine, and was able to play the music together with them, as if i too had studied it all these months...
again grateful for the revelations i have of everything that rav teaches, which is the wisdom of kabbalah, = laws of nature....


and i am sitting on my little porch in the direction of the rising sun which has just burst forth from behind the morning clouds and is shining in my eyes, so life is good, and wearing a short sleeve dress and i am warm and well rested and grateful....and will soon eat my plate of exotic fruits ( papaya, pineapple, watermelon and banana) along with some banana juice....the good life...what can i say.. i love it...and all the plants and birds are singing and the gardeners are busy sweeping and the sea is in the background playing its melody too....this is what i love....