alot of learning is going on for me here...in all areas of life....and what the common thread in it all is that i can only see, inwardly and outwardly, as much as i can see at this moment, and all i can do is have an intention and do the footwork of "showing up" either with my hoola hoop, or the gamelon chimes, or by reading kabbalah, or by making a flower bouquet, or by practicing the bates eye exercises. and that desire need to be renewed and restated each day and the intention turned over to a greater power than myself, because if left to my own egoistical means...i want it all and i want it now and at any price and any effort...and again and again, i see it especially as i practice the eye exercises every morning for improving my eyesight, that by relaxing and allowing myself to be an open channel of love is the best way to learn...
it was also very vivid when i first began hooping...feeling how uncoordinated it was, and how i tried to do the movements with my brain, by thinking them....and it just didn't work, i had to just keep the desire to do it alive each time, and try and try and let go of the results and the success and not push myself or judge myself, but just to observe...
and now it is happening with the gamelon chimes...oooohhhh...also on my own chime that i practice on each day, folk songs that are natural for them, and so strange to my ears and totally unrecognizable....and for some reason i have an expectation that as soon as a professional hooper or gamelon player or whatever, demonstrates something, i "should" be able to just see it and do it...and even though for 18 years of potting i studied and taught and KNOW that learning is a PROCESS, it is still so hard for me to be patient and remember that i cannot force it to happen, but rather, relaxing, aspiring, keeping the positive vision in mind, and willing to try again and again allowing my body, mind and soul to grow a little step bigger....
rav laitman describes this in the kabbalah studies also, so exactly, and so the studying with him and the kabbalah texts helps me recognize these processes in me when they are occurring and to then make a choice of whether to be in MY will ( egoistic) or a vessel for GODS' will ( and let it flow not for my own ego but in order to be a part of something greater at that moment)
last night at the orchestra practice it was a great example...waiting to see which of the women didn't show up so that i would have a chime to play on, and sure enough each time someone else is missing and i get to play. (i wonder if they are in their "cycle" they may not be allowed to come into the temple during those days...) anyways,,,what has until now (3 previous sessions) has been just a bunch of music that i was trying to follow to the best of my imitating skills as possible, suddenly became clearer last night...that there are 5 different melodies that we are playing, and when the conductor (priest?) raises his fingers he is telling them which melody of the 5 we are going to play next...and suddenly, i was playing the melody....just playing it...not imitating, not running after everyone, not mentally trying to figure it out and memorize it, but ....just playing it...how wonderful that felt....it happened after a few moments when i had an "invitation from Above" to just BE THERE....to actually BE THERE hearing absorbing living the moment of all those chimes, and i am in bali and in the forest sitting in a pavilion with all these men and women at the temple...and just listen to the magic of it in every cell in my body,....and i just closed my eyes while i was playing and it didn't matter any more whether i was hitting the right notes or not...i was just there...
and then i noticed that i was playing from a place of the joy of playing music...and i could then start noticing that a new music teacher had also come and was demonstrating to a women with the little hammers we use to hit the metal chimes, that if she makes very small tight, controlled movements of hitting, the sound is not as beautiful as when she lets the hammer come down in a crescent shape onto the metal with a relaxed grip...wow! so amazing, and so true, and suddenly i could start to notice HOW i was playing and not only what....and another entire world started to open up....it also happened this morning when i was practicing my little folk songs on my small bamboo one, and the lovely gardener aka master gamelon player after work hours, came strolling over and showed me some more exercises to try on the chimes...and of course they are way over my head ( which reminds me of my first pottery teacher that gave me exercises the second week that only a 3rd year student could have succeeded at but i didn't know that at the time, and just strived and strived for those goals, which later helped me become a good potter very quickly) and so after he walked away i tried them,,,and saw how the sounds from my left hand are so shallow and dead sounding compared to if i hit the same notes with my right hand! ahhh....how to teach my left hand power, assertiveness, presence, joy?! and as i know from hooping that whenever i have succeeded to learn a new move,,,try it in the opposite direction with my left hand!! ugh!! and again and again and again ....ugh...
so..that is where i am today...and the peace i have within me, is the knowledge from having witnessed it with everyone i have ever taught including myself, is just, show up, try, let go and let god...no forcing, no judging...just keep showing up and trying, and being kind to myself and letting it go for a while, so that the learning process that is happening INSIDE me even though i am no longer hooping or playing the chimes, or being in a classroom studying something, it is continuing to vibrate and will bring the next stage at just the perfect moment, totally unexpected, and quietly just "HAPPEN" and say thank you....
when we finished the session yesterday, and i was getting lots of compliments for being so clever, and playing so well, and the ego starts popping the buttons on my tight balinese blouse...i wanted to make sure and come early today so i could succeed at the other 4 melodies that i still don't know! and i thought i will ask the lovely woman teacher that i sat next to the night before if we can meet earlier and she will teach me....and as i started to tell her this, i realized that ego and ambition are the rulers now inside of me, and not an open heart that just loves listening to the magnificent intricate combination of these beautiful instruments being played by a group of villagers of ancient temple music...and i stopped....and realized that just like this song revealed itself, the others will too...all in exactly the right moment,
another lovely scene from last night was seeing about 4 men that showed up and were sitting next to different women that were playing all kinds of different instruments and they were trying to tutor them how to play the melodies correctly, and there was so much joy and dancing inside of them as they beat out these intricate complicated, rhythmic series of notes that together form a song for the gods...and all of this without any written music, just by demonstrating, and then they try and again and again,,,,and if i would see any of these old toothless small almost crippled men on the street, i would never have guessed that these are master musicians and very joyful people! and on the ride into the forest we passed another motorbike and it was my rice farmer that had made me the chimes, and suddenly he was this man with a black and white silk shirt and all spruced up, as compared to the farmer wearing the mud covered pants up to his knees in mud....i know , i know...this is not unique to bali, also in yodfat we all look different at work and at a wedding...but i just love the way god keeps showing me how judgmental and superior i think i am compared to other people, and in fact...we are all just ONE
p.s. i was just reading a sentence of ravs' where he explained that the learning goes from the head to the heart when we keep the material in our awareness during the day...which alos reminded me of my japanese calligraphy teacher/master that had a scroll on the wall which was a gift from HIS teacher to him which said: "Eyes,Heart, Hand, are One"
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