this too shall pass?

lately i have been going on line and asking the "i ching" a question, and being amazed each time by the answers i get and how exact they are and such beautiful guidance. i have experimented with taking the path that is recommended, and always experience wonderful "lessons" and new understandings and joy. so, when i began to realize that my future landlord for my dream house villa by the sea in the north of bali, was lying and not keeping up his part of the agreement, i began to pray for him, and for guidance of how to cope with the situation. all of this was while i was still vacationing in israel for the 4 month interlude of leaving my last resort because of very unpleasant dealings with the landlords there, and not wanting to have to repeat the same pattern a third time (of paying in advance, and then being ripped off).

when i arrived at the dream villa along with kind gede, my cab driver and friend that always picks me up at the airport and is one of my balinese guardian angels here, he warned me: "the villa is good, the owner is not. you must be firm and polite". and we parted with those words, which were what the i ching had been telling me all along too. as i unpacked and started to get settled in the lovely big house, i began to realize that things were not as expected....yes, there were faucets in the 2 bathrooms (well actually one had and the other didn't) but there were no water pipes to connect them to water....the bottled water dispenser was rusty and the water was horrible, there were shower heads, but only a drizzle came out of them so better to just fill up a bucket and pour it over myself, no kitchen, even though one was planned for my arrival, along with the bale to be able to sit in the shade by the sea. and the money i had given him in advance for those things, along with more money to plant flowers so that by the time i arrive they will be blooming so i can pick them for the offerings everyday, were scarce and barren and surely not the quantity that i had paid for, or the variety. no temple on the grounds, and the temple next door had been partly destroyed by the strong rain and wind and look disheveled.

all of this i took in my stride....with a beautiful home on the sea, with a wonderful huge shade tree right in front and peace and quiet and cool breeze, a comfortable bed, a place to put my clothes, and a western toilet, who am i to complain about what there isn't! i compromised and focused on what was and not on what wasn't. the garden was well kept and colorful, just without flowers, so i will buy them in the market.

each day the landlord showed up, and each day he had a new demand for payment, the excuses and stories were clever, but not professional, so the lie was easily seen, but ....don't make a big deal out of it...kind of like a little kid saying he didn't see any chocolate anywhere, but his mouth is smudged with something brown that sure looks like chocolate...in the beginning i kept giving my landlord the benefit of the doubt, while also learning to pay more attention to outer details of receipts, discrepancies in stories, and also inner details of a Geiger counter within telling me that something here sounds fishy. and together with that, each day he managed to convince me that i had to pay money for all kinds of things, which i did, but the pattern was becoming a little too evident, and my suspicions were becoming greater. locking the doors, and hiding the keys became a daily ritual demanding time and energy that i was not keen on doing.

eventually after realizing how contracted i was all the time wondering if he stole money from me, or did i just miscount it the first time, and where in the world did he get israeli shekels from (since israelis cannot come to bali) and that he suddenly needs changed into rupiahs immediately for a friend in need...and after giving him a good exchange rate, the poor fellow, stuck with shekels in bali... i can help him out, no?, suddenly realizing that those were MY shekels and that i had just "bought" back from him the money he had stolen from my wallet, which was sitting in a drawer with a couple hundred israeli shekels in it (less the 200 he had already taken when i wasn't watching...). so placing my valuables in a resort nearby with a safe deposit box, and the rest of my money into a bank here (which also meant bureaucracy and took time to get organized)...i felt calmer, and the rest of the day was so wonderful, it was worth the contraction of when he would suddenly show up at all times of the day.

after the shekel episode i decided that whenever money is involved again the answer will simply be "no". without any explanations or excuses. he continued to invent new demands and i actually could relax into the humor of it all and wasn't upset, just amazed how he had no shame in bringing me electric bills from 2 months before i came and explaining to me that tomorrow he must pay this and there is a "special" going on at the electric company and i need to pay this tomorrow, 353,000 rupiah instead of on the first of august when it will no longer be a special price and goes up to 1 million! or how the sieve of the drain which was broken before i showed up, is suddenly included in the repairs that need to be done and our contract says 50/50 so i need to give him 50,000 and he will pay another 50,000 ($5) and he will buy two. i volunteered that HE give ME 50,000 an that I will buy the two! (in a country where things cost a few cents, suddenly a plastic drain sieve costs $5?!) he agreed, pointing out that it is impossible to find this special kind at the hardware stores in the village and i will have to travel to the neighboring village since they are the only ones that carry this kind....and i agreed, but stopped off at the first hardware store by my house and found it there for a few cents....strange no?...

so as i caught on to the game, he got more demanding, because suddenly i was not dishing up the money like in the beginning...nothing on our simple do it yourself contract that we had written together the day i saw the house and decided to rent it for the year, last february, was being honored by him. and now his tactic was to get paid the entire years' rent in advance. i continued to answer firm and polite. but after 7 SMS messages begging me to please help him out since he is in debt and if i just give him 5 million now he won't ask for any rent until next year, pleeeeze...."no", firm and polite.

the next day he showed up just as i was making the 15 flower offerings...he commented on how beautiful they were ( and they were) and made some suggestions of how to make them even "holier" by sprinkling a few grains of rice on them. i thanked him for his suggestion and thought that finally we can just have a decent conversation without money involved. but once the rice grains were sprinkled he informed me that if i don't give him the money, he is very sorry but i will have to leave his house. i told him we will speak about it when i am done with giving the offerings and with our witness from the contract tomorrow. i went in to shower and dress in order to place the offerings around the grounds and house. when i came out a few minutes later from the shower, he was there explaining that he is very sorry but right now he is going to the police and to the municipality and is giving them the key (which he just happened to take out of my door while i was showering!) and the electricity is going to be shut off in a few minutes once "they" come and then also no water, and and and....i stood there in my temple clothes and refused to speak about it at that moment, and asked him to wait a few minutes to discuss it. "NO eileen". the i ching had told me that when the evil comes, i must stay on my course, be the receptor, not the transmitter and the truth and end gain will be mine opposite the evil (or something to that fact)...

sure enough, after i finished, there he was again, pointing out, in the dusk, how there is no longer electricity, and next the water is shut off, and each time asking if i am willing to pay, "no", and then next all of my things will be locked in the house by the police and i will not be able to take them out and i will need to pay a lot of money on a court case that i will lose, and am i willing to give him money tomorrow and he will cancel the complaint to the police....my insides were shaking, but i knew that the i ching had been right every time until now, and that agreeing to participate in this blackmail was like a woman being battered by her husband but not leaving because she really likes their house and what a pity, no?

afraid to leave the house because then he may even lock me out and where will i sleep, and at least i am with my things, sitting there in the dark, in silence, opposite all of his insanity, i knew this was all God...i had been praying for him, for me, for guidance, and this is what i got....so apparently i am supposed to learn how to be so true to myself, that i am willing to lose my dream in return for...what?! in between his comings and goings and excuses and threats, i SMS ed my balineee friends and asked for help. they were kind, but know better than to interfere...."and certainly night time is not the time to deal with such matters, but rather after a good nights sleep and the body and mind and soul have been energized then surely a mutual solution will be found together."

just as i laid there on the bed, wondering how in the world did all of this happen, and what am i supposed to do now? the cellphone rang and one of my daughters surprised me by calling and wanted to know "how are you?"....and who says God doesn't have this all planned down to the second?! i could only understand a few of her garbled words but it was "of course you have to leave the place!" it was so clear to her, that it gave me more strength to trust that that is what i must do. he had been threatening to kick me out, and two friends had told me in the previous week that i must leave my dream house rather than have dealings with such a man, but i told them i am optimistic and apparently need to learn how to be assertive opposite people like this and i won't give it my energy...i'll stay positive.

i laid in bed, with a fleeting thought that he is even capable of murder and is this really the way i am supposed to die? "tourist found dead in house by the sea"....hmm...not a bad way to go...is that why i had to come all the way to bali? to realize my dream come true, and then die?! i decided after a few seconds of those thoughts not to put my energy into morbid imaginary future events, and come back to the present...what am i supposed to do now. it was strange, but there was an inner shaking of fear, and an outer peace and acceptance that this is all for some greater purpose, god knows what, and why, and all i have to do is keep "playing it out" as the punches role, and "stay on course" as receptor, like the i-ching said...okay....

after a few more "help" SMS messages to my "guardian angels" here, i received a phone call from one saying he cannot get involved but he will notify my witness to the contract to do something now. thank you! a few minutes later, in comes my landlord again. the balinese are afraid of the dark, i am not. i decided that when he calls out my name, i will pretend i am asleep and not let him know where i am in the dark and just see what his next ploy will be. and sure enough, no response to my name being called out as he approaches, he walks in and goes over to the light switch, turns it on, and notifies me that "ah now the police and municipality have reconnected it and i can pay him 3 million tomorrow and do i agree? this sure still sounds and looks like blackmail to me....i think he was afraid that he would have to stay in the dark guarding his house, since it would not be locked up, and he didn't know what to do anymore! so suddenly it is 10 at night, i have electricity and water again, ah, and he also gave me the key! (that way he could go home and sleep). i said we will speak in the morning, good night. "and if you want you can come speak with the police they are outside now, but they do not speak any english" (he came with a friend who has suddenly turned into "the police" in order to give authenticity to his whole imaginary ploy to force me to pay)...."no".

then as i sat on the porch, wondering how from a place of total darkness (physical and internal) of not knowing how in the world this was going to ever be resolved and why is this happening, 2 motorbikes drove up to my house....who is that?! and 2 of my guardian angels appear. one of them i still hadn't seen since the last time i was here 4 months ago. he offered his hand to shake hands with me and said "i miss you". oh how i missed him too....he was my pre dawn discussion partner, and advisor in matters of importance, fishing, dragons, nature, and supplier of banana and palm leaves for my offerings everyday. and i looked at my other guardian angel and said "and you! because you called my witness, he came and turned on the electricity now! thank you!" he looked at me and smiled. "I didn't have her phone number, so i did not call her." What?! so how did he suddenly have a change of heart and turn it on?

the 3 of us sat down at the table on the porch, and they asked me what happened, in short (not like this lonnnnngggg blog!) they stayed for about an hour. asked to look at my contract, discussed quietly and concisely every now and then in balinese, what is necessary in order to reach a peaceful win win solution. not one word was said about my landlord. it was not about him, or his character, it was about the contract and what needs to be done along with the mayor the following day. how we must "refresh" the contract. "make it stronger, with clauses". i was amazed that what was important for them, was not who is right, how crazy he is, how to retaliate, but "proper thought, proper speech, proper heart". no exclamation marks, no drama, no excitement, just now and then each one suggested a line of thought, a path to harmony, how we must sit together tomorrow and each express our needs, and see how they can meet and become one.

at one point i asked the one that had called me back, and was willing to be a bit involved, what he would do? a long silence. then; "how do you feel here?" "I love the house. it is perfect, i don't like him and his lies and stealing and trying to get money from me all the time." no response. quiet, silence, "I feel your pain inside. If you are not happy, it is best to find a place where you can be happy." he looked at me. i was so touched by his words. He really does feel my pain inside him. this is what Rav Laitman has said is the real "Kabbalah" when we can feel the other persons needs. He was not coming from his mind, he was coming from his heart. at that moment it felt like this all had to happen just for that moment of silence when he said "I feel your pain inside."

after more quiet, and a short discussion of how to reach a mutual agreement and have a stronger contract, the other angel left for home, and ketut stayed with me, in silence. then he said "now take sleep, you are tired. in the night you will get your answer. follow your heart." i nodded my head in obedience. more silence. "now i am going." i thanked him with deep gratitude. i went to bed, slept a little and woke up with a sudden answer, just like he said, that i must pack up and leave. the words "from liars and thieves, keep a distance" rang in my ears. where was that from? Kahlil Gibran? fell back asleep, and woke in the morning, as if after someone has died and i am in mourning, not with the joy i usually awaken with, and KNEW that i am leaving. that it is simple. that the same threat that i must leave, from the previous day that had sounded so absurd and impossible, was suddenly the decision that i myself was choosing willingly as the right action for me to take. without any regrets i proceeded to pack up all of my things, simply, orderly, and after a few hours, the house looked like the way it was 2 weeks earlier when i had first arrived. no sentiments. now what?

there was a quiet peace within me, even though i had no idea where i was going with all that luggage, and how i was going to get there, there was peace. it was a new feeling. a total trust that everything is perfect, that i can continue to be the receptor, and participate in whatever unfolds. and so i just sat on my porch, looking out at the sea for a few hours. no thoughts, no understanding, just the knowledge that i had done what i had to do, and have no idea why i had to do it, but that only something better can come from this. that is the law of the universe, there is no going backwards, if god brought me this far, it is because there is something even greater that awaits me, and even greater lessons to be experienced. but damned if i have even an inkling what and where. that state of nothingness continued. then my girlfriend the witness arrived with her husband and baby, smiling, "hello, how are you?"

"do you want the long version or the short?" "the short" she said, so i told her what had happened and that i thank her for reading my sms and calling my landlord to put the lights back on and return my key. she said that she didn't have time to read the sms yesterday because she was working at night, and she didn't call the landlord either. hmm....i began to tell her all of the incidents over the past 2 weeks that have led me to choose no longer to have dealings with a man like this, and that we need to just tear up the contract, tell him he is right, that i must leave because i am not willing to pay in advance, let go of getting back my down payment, and just start anew. she was pleased with my decision to just let things go with him and start fresh today. if i want i can stay in an empty room by her until i find another place. that she is sorry for me. and that she is my friend and will help me. as her husband made several trips with all my luggage on the back of his motorbike to the garden of a nearby friend that agreed that i place it there, we walked by foot. "real friends are there for you in difficult times and also in happy times. we are your real friends. let us also have happy times now together. do not think about any of this anymore. just look ahead."

we all met in the garden, and the women, unlike my guardian angels the night before, enjoyed all the gossip of what he did, and said, and lies, and stealing,etc. (just like i did!) after each of them promising to help me look for a place to stay, we parted, they fed me, suggested i rest and clear my mind and not think about anything yet. just relax. the truth was, something greater than me had already chosen that path, and there wasn't the slightest interest or need to figure anything out. in the morning before my friends arrived i had tried looking on the internet for alternatives but reading the blurbs of all the resorts became a bit too new- age for me, and after checking out the nearby resort and discovering it is booked until november, and expensive, i just let go of trying to think or find other options. i just took the phone number of one homestay i had seen months ago, and did not like, just in case.

my body walked me to the sea, and there i laid on the rocks, and rested after my sleepless night. my mind was empty, what at treat. it all felt very healing. how did i get to this point? just like being held in the arms of the earth and the sea, supported, warmed by the sun, lullabyed by the waves, and just being. after a few hours i was ready to go back to the garden (its actually a kind of jungle where the grandparents work the land in the traditional wa and there are animals, and a small house and lots of earth, and not many flowers....). so i'm the new guest. no questions asked, just clear out a small bedroom for me, show me the little bathroom that is covered in mildew and the size of a walk in closet where they pour the water that has been sitting in the narrow tub on themselves with a plastic cup and which drains off the floor through a little hole in the wall. "I hope this is okay for you and doesn't disgust you. i am sorry." "No, its fine, i am grateful." and i am! suddenly i have a place to stay for the night, i have torn up the contract peacefully with the landlord and am beginning anew,

quiet conversations in the garden with my friends, me on my laptop, an attraction to everyone, it being so incongruous...evening, i'm tired, shower just like they do, figuring that the little piece of rusty wire near the wall must be where you put your towel and clean clothes and dirty clothes....and as i needed to lean my hand on the wall to wash my feet i saw that yes, that is where there is no longer any paint, since for 60 years people have leaned their hands against that same spot when they bent over to scrub their feet. when i finished i opened up the old corrugated tin door with the little latch, and was happy there was another wire just outside the door near the pigs, to dry the damp towel on. i entered the spotless tiny family room/hallway to my bedroom and found the grandmother, my age, laying on the thin mattress, watching soap opera balinese teenage drama at 7 p.m. after a long hard days work on the farm, and she is all clean and fresh in her sarong and long black hair. she places a pillow next to hers and pats it, motioning in sign language that i should join her. i do. so sweet. and i watch balinese commercials and soap opera with her, and her husband who joins us and sits asleep right next to the baby television that has the only socket available to charge my laptop, so i will have to wait until they finish and then i can recharge it at night. my bedroom adjoins this room and it is the size of the double bed, that has a board for a mattress, with a sheet and pillow. fine, i am grateful i have a place to stay, so kind of them.

my friend, their son, arrives later with some balinese fried goodies of banana, tapioca, and gooey balls. he visits his parents each evening and brings them sweets for dinner. the 4 of us sit on the thin mattress on the floor, them quietly speaking balinese. the t.v. going. he offers that i live with them. so this is how i am going to spend the next month or two until his new house is finished and he has offered to let me live in one of the bedrooms. thank you, perfect. it will be interesting. his cell phone rings and it is his younger brother, my guardian angel advisor. when he hears they are hosting me, he tells him that it is forbidden by the police and that i must find a homestay. otherwise it is as if people are "roaming" around the village, and that is unacceptable. all of this is explained to me after he finishes speaking with his brother..oh...so much for my plans to stay here for a month and then move in with them....they do not have a permit to host me, i must find somewhere to stay, otherwise my former landlord can make trouble and report me to the police,etc. hmm....at 8 at night, in a small village not geared for tourists, where am i going to find a homestay?

he starts calling people he knows, and we start a bit of brainstorming of other villages nearby, and i remember that piece of paper with the phone number from this morning, which is the only homestay i know of. it turns out it is his relative. he calls up, explains the situation, asks me "how much is your budget for a room tonight?" uh....i dunno....i decide how much??! i thought places have prices, but now i am beginning to understand that it is like in the kabbalah; if you have a lot of money, you can spend more, if you have a little you spend less. the other person will try to help you, but according to your true need, not to greediness. i throw out a price that seems reasonable for her kitchenette homestay that i once saw, not wanting to insult her, but remembering it was quite expensive. she agrees, but i shouldn't tell the other guests how much i am paying since they are paying much more.

he hangs up the phone, i have a place to sleep, we rush off on his motorbike to meet her 10 mintues away, and i find myself being greeted by a lovely balinese couple that have 4 beautifully cared for units in a lovely garden, and one is available for me for 2 weeks if i want. she shows me the room, suddenly it is like a palace to me. what had looked so "balinese" a half a year ago, has suddenly become my taste, and no longer looks like gaudy french 18th century furnishings. it is clean, big, nice outdoor garden shower, a fridge (yipee, i can buy food at the market and keep it fresh!) a little gas burner (i can cook!) sinks that work, a shower that works, a counter top to dry dishes on and cut food on, a big nice lounge on the front porch that i can sleep on at night besides the huge double bed inside, a writing table, a maid, towels, sheets, big windows, curtains, western toilet with toilet paper (yeah, don't have to go buy single rolls that cost 25 cents each) and just nice people! my friend suggests i stay here for the year....how much would i like to offer them? the four of us are sitting there together when he suggests this, the owners father was the one that named my friend when he was born, everything is spoken quietly and politely, calculators are taken out to see how i can still stay within my budget of the villa i had planned to live in, and had to leave, and be able to stay here....what do i think? i hesitate to say $9 a night....because they may be insulted. the kind owner thinks, smiles, nods his head to his wife, the hostess, she smiles, they say "Yes, we can agree."

i look at my friend. he says " a few hours ago when we sat in the garden you said that you are not worried and that you know god has something even better in store for you. you were right! here you are! that was fast!" we laugh and are grateful. how this all unfolded... we part, and before i go to sleep on the porch enjoying the cool night air, i SMS my friends and guardian angels to let them know that i am already settled in a beautiful new place. one of them sends me back an SMS "i am happy for you, i prayed in the temple today". for me?! how kind. my cab driver/friend wrote back too. when i had written him earlier in the day telling him i had left the villa, he wrote back saying : i feel your sadness. be patient, please. god is with you." and in the evening he wrote me "i hope you fine good one and good person. please make the contract clearly".

in the morning, i look around me, and realize that it is 4:15, i can get up and walk to the market, like always, and then go sit and watch the sunrise, under my tree, like always, and that i didn't have to leave my village, and didn't have to live far from the sea, and didn't have to use up all my money and go back to israel in refuge, and didn't have to leave the womens orchestra, and didn't have to feel like a victim here in bali with these people that take advantage of me. i have a lovely place to live in and can continue to enjoy the beautiful lifestyle i have made here by the sea in this lovely village. i walk along the dark street with the other women of the village, at the market place they giggle when they see me, a hand touches mine, it is one of the women gamelon players saying good morning to me as we pass, another one calls out to me from the other side of the road in the dark "hello mama!" and we laugh.

i have been praying for the past 6 months to try and live in the yin/yang of life, in balance, in harmony, not to be so idealistic and naive, but to agree to see that there are all kinds, and everything, and to know how to deal with what comes my way, face it, and learn from it, and not be blown over by it and in shock and take it personally. to dare to allow the female dragon in me to speak too, and not all the time be nice and comply with coercion for the sake of avoiding confrontation and others anger towards me. my prayer was answered! i don't know if i would have asked for this lesson if i knew what i would have to go through! when i shared this story (in short ! :) ) with a friend, he said "this too shall pass." okay....but i still want to enjoy it while it lasts....