prayer

my balinese friend brought up the taboo subject of the owners of the
resort i had been at last year and their anger at me still....and i
saw how it immediately brought me down...and i couldn't "shake it
off"...i lost all of my empowerment, went to sleep like that, and woke
up this morning still empty and sad that people could lie, distort,
and have a vested interest in making sure i will never be friends with
any of their staff since they forbid them to see me or speak with me,
during or after work, because i have "evil intentions to ruin their
jobs and the resort"....and to make me feel alone here in bali and no
longer part of the community....it just made me so sad how there could
be such misunderstanding and lying and refusal to let it go or make
peace with me....interpreting it all as evil manipulations to bring
the resort down! insanity....

and i know that i did not do anything wrong. and when i did the qigong
i saw how i no longer had empowerment like usual. and i kept reminding myself how a friend had written me that she only "answers to a higher power...." and no one else. i know that i do too...and that this sadness of mine is just a trick of my ego to make them into
my higher power and to pull the rug out underneath my feet and make me feel low self esteem, and injustice, and victimization etc...and
together with that, i still couldn't get rid of the sadness and low
energy from it.

this morning was the ceremony for the gods to return to their
place in heaven, after they had been here for 10 days...and i went to
a temple with my friends family, and we were just a few people at this
lovely peaceful temple, and my friend had explained more about
hinduism to me as we went along, and it brought me to tears to hear
his gentle explanations that are so profound, yet so simple, and so
everyday for him. and he had told me the story of how his father was
not a believer and that he thought the little altar in front of the
temple was just cement, and not a security officer, guarding the
temple. and he challenged god to prove to him that this cement is a
guard watching over them. and at that moment, he actually saw a giant
standing in front of him, where the little cement altar was. so tall
that it was indescribable. after that experience he became the leader
of his temple for the next 15 years.

he added that maybe westerners think that spending so much time and
money to go to the temples and praying all the time is a waste and
that it is better to be working or doing things. but the hindus
believe that you can go to pray, and your mind is thinking thoughts
about work, and money, and problems, but when you are praying, you
empty yourself of everything and praise god and ask to be blessed. and
you are truly in prayer. then afterwards, when you go home, you feel
calm and empty and can continue peacefully with life. this keeps a
balance in yourself, and with your family and friends. you are there
for them, in harmony. and they are there to support you if you invest
in harmonious relationships with them always.

i was sitting on the temple grounds praying with the other devotees
and the priest, i knew god had brought me this sadness for my growth,
but i didn't know how i could grow from it. i begged god to please
help me be released from this obsessive thinking that i have done
something wrong to someone, and am responsible for their anger, and to
stop rehashing the past and believing them instead of my truth, which
was a constant prayer to god during the whole interaction with them at
the time of the conflict.

and suddenly it was lifted. i was clear and clean again, feeling my
power and joy and miracle of life, like usual. and feeling a deeper
surrender and trust in god never to believe or fear what others say is
true, if it is not true for me, no matter what. and that the only one
i am accountable to is god.

i was very grateful