accountability

this morning is the first day of the jewish new year. i was tired when i awoke and wanted to lay in bed for a while, but knew i would regret it later, starting off the day (and a new year!) without seeing the sunrise? so i pulled myself out of bed and walked to the sea and sat down. as i looked out at the sky the word "accountability" appeared in me...hmm...wonder what that is about? i felt a bit of a "hangover" from yesterdays' slight sense of loneliness, when the balinese friends i had called in order to go visit during the day, were all busy and could not meet me. it took a bit of an effort to prove to myself that "i don't need anyone. i am perfectly fine on my own, i love my life, i always have something to do even without other people. i don't have to take this personally..."

then, while i was back at my room, sweeping the floor before making the offerings, the word appeared again. i remembered how my friends' 15 year old daughter had to first go to school on the day they were going to travel to her grandmother who lives in a village 2 hours away, in order to ask the teacher for permission to leave for the day. i remember thinking it was so strange, instead of just telling him in advance, or calling him up, or writing a note and leaving it for him. why on the day itself? and then the two ideas connected ..."ah,,,,maybe that is called 'accountability'?" i tried to sense, what is the different inner state that one feels when you come in the morning to your teacher and ask permission to leave for the day? or when you 'notify' them in advance? what is this sense of being in the present moment, and being accountable for it?

i remembered how angry the owners of the resort would be that ON the morning of a ceremony, the worker would come and tell him he is not showing up for work today because he has a ceremony. they could not comprehend why the worker didn't tell them in advance! they knew they would have a ceremony! why only today, when he should be working does he come to tell me?! the western understanding was always looking ahead, planning, future, whereas the balinese were just in this moment, being accountable for their actions now.

also my friend who is going to rent his house to me, told me that he will go to his manager of the clinic today and ask permission to go to the village secretarys' office to arrange my living permit. it surprised me that he said "he will ask permission" to go away for a few minutes. also, before any ceremony, the family first goes to their family temple, in order to "ask permission" to leave and go to the ceremony. the children, of all ages, always ask their parents permission. at all times i must be accountable for my actions. could this possibly be the reason they are always asking me "where are you going?"

i realized it is a gesture of respect, of honor, of submission, of unity. that there is a big difference whether i 'notify' someone, which means "i'm in charge and this is what i am doing. period." in that case, i am alone in the world, not connected or responsible to anyone or anything. i do as i please. but if we are all One? if i go to an elder who i respect and ask their permission to do what i would like to do? i see how the ego is either running the show or has taken a back seat. that being accountable is something that has not really been a part of my daily life. it hints of a "higher" force, or order to things, not necessarily visible, but known and respected.

then this morning i was reading the entry for rosh hashana eve by rabbi jacobson that made me laugh when i read it:

THE BALANCED LEDGER

A Chassidic rebbe once sent his students to observe a local innkeeper as part of their preparation work for Rosh Hashana.

The students dutifully checked into the inn, but the first day observed nothing remarkable. They went to sleep, only to be awakened at midnight by someone praying loudly.

They tip-toed out of their rooms to find the innkeeper fervently reciting Psalms. When he finished, he opened up a cabinet and removed two big ledgers.

From one ledger he proceeded to read all his sins of the past year: he confessed that he was insensitive to his wife, that he didn't fulfill all his obligation to his community, that he didn't study enough Torah, he once came late to prayers, etc.

Then he opened the second ledger, saying to G-d,
"These are my failings, now here's what You didn't do... I asked for a better living wage this year and you didn't give it to me. My wife is still ill. My children need shoes..."ť

In the end he concluded, "Look, I didn't live up to my obligations and You didn't live up to Yours. So let's call it even. I'll close my book, You'll close Your book, and we'll start a new year again with a clean slate."

We learn from this story that the relationship between us and G-d is a partnership. When G-d created human beings in His image, He invested something Divine in us. There is a partnership between us and Him to perfect the world.

It is as if He founded a business, and said to us: "I am the investor, but you stand behind the counter."

Partners are accountable to each other. In the month of Elul, we take out our ledgers and make sure our accounts are in order. Rosh Hashana is audit day. G-d checks the books to see how we took care of His investment in us.

In so doing He doesn't look for perfection. He didn't create imperfect human beings to ask, "Why weren't you perfect?" He asks us only, "Why aren't you as much as you could have been?"