FROM THE HEART

i have had a handful of "lessons" about money here in bali...that  were always about renting a room, a house, staying an extended time at a resort. they all started off happily and ended painfully. the cost in $ was high, but so was the value of the lesson learnt. so when i decided to move into my friends' house and rent from him, it was with mixed feelings. partly because i had been told not to mix friendship and money, and partly because i would again be making monetary commitments and was afraid to again find myself in a traumatic place with people and money.

my friends are lovely balinese people that i have had no reason to suspect would be lying or have ulterior motives, but that is what i had thought in each of the other cases too, so, i prayed and asked for help to be able to make a healthy arrangement and not to have to repeat the same mistakes again, but to have learnt this lesson. when i had watched my friends house being built and understood that it was the realization of a dream, and that he had enough money to complete eighty percent of the house, i wished i could help him find a way to have enough money to finish it all. after volunteering to loan him money, and then regretting it the following day, and telling him so, i thought that being able to pay him rent and that he would use the money to finish the house would be a "win-win" solution. i would have a place to stay, and he would have additional income. 

but then things became "foggy"...his three year old son listens to television full volume till late at night...how would i sleep like that? maybe this is a time for the family to have some privacy, and not have me stuck there in the middle etc. but as the time to leave my present residence got closer, our plan became more concrete and i was moving in and they were moving out so that i could have privacy and no television. 

i had experienced two months of having a landlord that was so generous, that by the end of my stay by her i prayed that i too be able to learn to be generous...to let go of scarcity consciousness, to give from my heart and trust that all is well, to be in a flow with the abundance of the universe. that was my wish to myself on my 60th birthday that i had just celebrated...

fate would have it that i met another anglo saxon that had just been taken advantage of financially and i shared with her my understandings and life lessons about the balinese and money, how to  take responsibility and state borders instead of  being a victim and resentful. she was grateful, and i was happy i could help. but then suddenly i shared with her that i myself am about to enter into another financial arrangement and haven't clarified things yet and tomorrow i am moving in! she immediately became the "teacher" and me the "student". "You must separate friendship and business. this is business!" she commanded me to clarify to myself how much i am willing to pay and to communicate that to them today and not to get "caught in their web" any further without clarity, and certainly not to do it once i have moved in and they will have the upper hand!

i saw how afraid i was! how much is enough? how much is too much? does he have expectations? how much of a loan did he take and will i disappoint him? if i am sharing the space with his daughter, than i should pay less? if it is balinese style bathroom instead of hot shower and western toilet? but on the other hand; they are so kind and generous to me, they have helped me so much with language, ceremonies, lifestyle, feeling part of the community...i remembered the suggestions my girlfriend had given me the last time about "bargaining" and tried to stay calm and not underprice and not overprice. i asked others and received more advice; discussing it is okay, listen to them, but do what is good for me! so i reached a compromise price in my mind, shared it with my friend who agreed that it was reasonable and that was that!

but another place inside of me was not satisfied with this solution. it searched in a different direction entirely. i prayed for guidance. i asked the iching. the answer was disastrous! that the situation is horrific, the criminal will get just punishment, immediate action is necessary to get out of this abusive and manipulative situation! oh no! what have i gotten myself into? how do i end this business agreement with them? how did i not recognize this until now?! helpless, i turned to the rav laitmans daily blog of kabbalah studies for guidance. there was one sentence that rang true:

"Can a person who was created as a total egoist who only thinks about himself and nothing else (this is the way we are programmed) change his program? And what is more, can he change it so that the object who receives the pleasure is not me thanks to everything that surrounds me, but rather that my pleasure will be the wellbeing of all those around me, brought about by me.The pleasure remains. It has to be since it is part of our nature, only the character of the filling changes."

it immediately brought me back to my birthday wish of my desire to be sincerely generous. so i was being given an opportunity to choose generosity, and not be thinking about what is fair, what is right, what is correct, what is acceptable...but rather what would bring pleasure and wellbeing to those around me! oh good! back to my original intention from the previous months of being able to help my friend realize his dream. great. my mind was no longer busy weighing and thinking and calculating, but my heart was open and the answers were clear and simple and generous. i sent my friend an SMS asking if it is good for him that we meet today to speak about business? he called me and with humor in his voice we decided on three o'clock. i ran through my mind an imaginary scenario of him telling me his price, and me raising it to the generous amount. i prayed as i walked the 10 minute walk to his place. 

as i sat on the veranda with him and his wife chatting, he eventually brought up the topic of our "business". he said that when i called him, he was surprised that i separate things, and that the money is just part of living here as friends. he asked his father, what he thinks is the right thing to do? his father said " ask eileen. she has experience living in many places. let her decide." i was in shock! i didn't expect that i would have to be the one to decide. it threw my head into a tizzy. my mind started racing, all the peace and simplicity that i had experienced was gone. i was lost into the future, the past, fears, worries, doubts, profit, costs, expenses, what would make me feel financially secure, how not to be a victim again, and on and on. i was silent. i couldn't speak. i had to know "the right" thing to do...where would i find the answer now?!

they continued to water the garden, to share experiences, to come and go...i was silent. lost. confused. groping around in a swamp of desire, fear...my girlfriend looked at me and said that it seems that for me this is something i use thinking for. for them it is not. it is easy, simple, from the heart, whatever i want to pay, it doesn't matter, not to take it so seriously, it's only money. still silent...still overwhelmed. confused. wondering whether or not i can believe them, envious of their peace and ease. eventually my girlfriend suggested that i share what is going through my mind, to release it, so it won't weigh so heavy on me.  she said she senses i am still traumatized from my past experiences in bali.

i poured out all the fears, doubts, past betrayals, lies, losses, disappointments, hopes. once i had finished, they began to share how they try to manage money and not let money manage them, and that when they have money, they use it and when they don't and they need it, it comes again, they have never thought about what to do so they will have more money. they just know that when it comes from their heart, it always flows. and that they hope this will be a healing experience for me with them. that our friendship is most important and feeling good with each other, not the money.

as they spoke and shared i saw how something was softening inside of me, the energy that had been constricted and stuck in my head was descending and spreading out in my chest, there was a warmth, an openness, and expansion. an hour had passed since we had begun our conversation about "business"...the original prayer to god to be generous and "my pleasure will be the wellbeing of all those around me, brought about by me."   my mouth opened and the words came out simply and clearly "i would like to pay you $10 a night to stay here, and pay once a month." (the options had been from $2.50 -10.00). they said fine. i counted out the money and handed it to him.  (by their standards the amount is considered an excellent salary for a high ranking professional.)

he continued to water the garden, and a moment later said " i am very happy. i am very happy." i smiled, his wife grinned at his child like response. and a moment later he said " since i have money in hand, i will buy you a refrigerator tomorrow." i was shocked! i immediately told him it was not necessary. that his mother has lived without one for 60 years, so i think i too can manage. with his excuse that his daughter may want cold water to drink, i agreed. it was only a little while later that the full impact of his comment hit me...he had just been given a generous payment from me, and immediately offered a generous luxury for me in return! unbelievable.  his first thought was how he could give me something!

as i walked back to my room i felt a lightness and happiness inside, a simplicity, a calm open peacefulness. this is where i like to reside. this is the place of generosity, of decision making, of connecting to others,  there were no thoughts of fear, doubt, cleverness, having "gotten a good deal". only at night did i suddenly understand what that iching disaster message was about, and who was the criminal! it was not my friends...it was my ego and my desire to receive instead of bestowing...and the criminal was given the death sentence...by remaining there, witnessing the violent attack on me, the lies, abuse, betrayal, and not succumbing, not acting on it not giving it my power, it disintegrated...only to await a better moment next time!