the inner chamber

Each morning and evening when I place the offerings in the different places I make up a prayer of gratitude and of requests. So the words change each day, depending on what I feel at the moment I am standing there with the offering in my hand, opposite the permanent places I am placing them (the rice cooker, the rice  bin, the gas burner, the water from the faucet, drinking water, kitchen goddess (my nickname) the bedrooms and clinic, the motorbikes, the family altar out in the garden, and one on the ground for the lower spirits, the entranceway to the property, and another two for the lower spirits also at the entranceway,)

The family altar one Is like a little pagoda on a raised platform one of the offerings goes on the highest place; the roof. The other one for the family altar goes in the opening of the little square inner chamber, about 20 x 20 centimeters big. The pagoda is painted black on the outside and made from cement made from dark grey sand from the nearby sea.

Whenever I stand opposite that dark space, I ask myself what it means to me. What does it represent in my life? What does it say to me? What do I have to say to it? What does it awaken in me? Who am I speaking to there?

This morning as I looked inside it the realization came to me that this is that small dark space inside of me that I was always running away from. It was the place of nothingness, of darkness, of fear, of hunger, of the end, death. Whenever I would get near that place inside of me, I reached for a substance to numb the horror of it…anything, just not to have to feel that place. I could eat something, buy something, do something, anything….just not remain there, in the presence of that space, and still stay alive. That would be a living death. Unbearable.

I remember reading a short editorial by a friend who described that place as an opening, not of an ending. Of an entrance to something deeper, and not of a dark hole that would swallow me up alive. I remember being surprised and grateful that there could possibly be another option. Over the years I was curious to actually experience that, but never got to the root of it all.

So when I stood there this morning all of that passed through my mind, together with some experiences I had had the last couple of days. There was the realization that there is a continuous process of creation, preservation and transformation happening all the time, at a different pace in everything and that it is never one or the other, but a gradual passage from one into the other.  And that the creation phase is beginning while the destruction phase is happening. It is never only one or the other. So as my friend was removing the dead skin from my sore that was healing, the new skin was already being formed.

Together with that there is the moment when the destruction phase is in the lead. That is when everything seems like death and the escape by means of a substance is a quick fix for not having to feel that uncomfortable experience. One can never know how long it is going to last, and how dark it is going to get there, but I have begun to agree to witness it instead of running away. I feel how uncomfortable it is, how contracted I feel, how alone it is, how the life force is leaving, that I fear I can't continue on like this for too much longer. It is that same moment just before the baby is born where I knew the contractions were too much and I was just going to die with the next one, but the next one brought the new born baby that had been getting closer and closer to birth while I was getting closer and closer to death, in my gut feeling.

So as I stood there, and saw that dark small chamber I realized that we were slowly becoming friends. I understood that this is my own inner chamber. My own connection to my deepest feelings, my truest self and that it is safe, it is contained, it is in fact the reason for the outer pagaoda! That everything revolves around this inner space. That, yes, god is in every flower and the clouds and sea, and every person, but that my connection to this inner chamber and the presence and trust and listening that is there, is what allows everything outside of it to have meaning, to nourish me, to  bring me peace.

So yes, it is just a small dark chamber, but it can feel infinite and full and filled with light at the same time. That is what I understood this morning as I placed the small banana leaf square with some rice there and spoke with god.