choice

the yoga teacher/ bhajan singer was explaining the words to the mantra we were going to sing together. he said that durga and kali are hindu goddesses of evil and destruction. together with that, they are still aspects of the same one loving God that is all and everything and that some people find it hard to comprehend the idea that a loving god can also be expressed in evil and destruction, and that Kali is always shown with a necklace of skulls around her neck symbolizing the cutting away of the intellect. i had always just thought they were pretty morbid looking paintings, but never thought about that connection to the intellect before. we were also singing mantras to shiva, which until now was also not my god of choice since he represented destruction in the trinity cycle of creator, preserver, destroyer. but twice a day as i place the offerings around the house and grounds and give my thanks for the elements, and my life and health, etc, i also thank these three aspects of God and try and connect. so when he explained that shiva was actually the most important aspect of the trinity, and was the Witness, it also surprised me and opened up a new understanding as shiva as a transformer, someone who allows change to occur. the hour and a half of singing simple repetitive songs along with 6 other people in a lovely hexagon shaped high ceiling room accompanied by gentle guitar playing was really nice...just a chance to open up the heart and sing, without any importance on ability or skill or talent...just singing songs to God together. 

what hadn't occurred to me when i walked over to the resort to meet my friend for the singing at dusk, was that i would need to walk home afterwards, in the dark. suddenly finding myself outside and walking through the dark lantern lit path in the resort towards my dirt path in the forest, i realized that this was not going to be too easy to accomplish. i could go back and ask someone for a flashlight, but i didn't want to bother them and have to return it the following day. i looked out at the black sea with the lantern lit fishing boats on the horizon and realized that tonight is a no moon night, and that's why they are out there with lanterns to catch chumi chumi fish. while i still had the small lanterns lighting the path in the resort i could continue to fool myself thinking that i will manage in the dark. but as soon as i passed the last lantern and it was really dark, i wondered how i was going to manage.

i had walked this path numerous times over the past 3 months, in the light of day. i knew there were swerves, ditches, little bridges, lots of dogs, and not many houses. i took small steps while i passed the narrow path with the temple on one side and the steep shoreline on the other, this was a temple built by a private person, not one of the balinese temples of hinduism, and there were those that said it had a feel of black magic to it. midway i suddenly turned around to see if anybody was behind me. no one. i realized that i can enter a fear mode now, thinking i am being followed or whatever. i chose not to continue that thought, and just looked ahead and took my next step forward.

i managed to pass the parked fishing boats on shore with some benefit still from the little lanterns way out at sea. i heard the rustling of leaves beneath my feet and suddenly knew that i had never heard that sound before, so i must not be on the path, but to the left of it, and sure enough, as soon as i took a step to the right i could hear the quiet sound of earth beneath my feet rather than dry leaves. okay, i will play it by ear!  but now i had to turn into the forest. pitch black. now what? what are my options? this is ridiculous. i am insane. who do i think i am that i can walk back some 7 minutes on this swerving inclined path without falling into a ditch or walking into a tree? i could just sit down here at the sea, and sleep, and in the morning walk home, or i could wait and maybe someone will pass by with a motorbike and i can ask for a ride. or i can slowly feel my way.

 i decided on the last option. and just as i turned into the forest and took 2 steps i felt something brush my right shoulder! i couldn't see what it was, but the thought came to my mind that the balinese believe in all kinds of spirits that come out at night, and that is why they prefer to stay inside at night. i have poo -pooed this, but lately started wondering if they simply can see things that i can't. again, images of the demons and monsters that they carve and draw on entrances to temples, schools, houses, crossed my mind. i chose not to think about them and came back to the task at hand. i continued to take slow steps and let my eyes try and get used to the dark and somehow be able to recognize a different shade of black on the path, compared to my surroundings.  

i could hear a motorbike in the distance and was relieved to see it coming in my direction. saved! it stopped at a curve right in front of me and the woman blessed me with the usual greeting of "have a safe evening!" yes, yes, and then i tried to suggest in indonesian that she turn around and take me to my house which is just a few minutes away, but i can't see how to get there. she laughed, not understanding a word i said, and again wished me a safe night, wondering why i would be walking in the dark, and drove off. i resigned myself to the fact that she was not my saviour and continued carefully walking up the little four step bridge without side railings, hoping i wouldn't miss and end up in the ditch, since there was no water flowing now.  i really didn't feel like spending the next month in bed healing injuries and needing people to help me. that thought crossed my mind after i had met 2 other single anglo saxon women here that had experienced just that scenario, one from a motorcycle accident and another from moving off the road when a car drove by and falling into a ditch. i saw that by thinking these imaginary future unpleasant scenarios, i am not bringing myself closer to walking safely home. and i have a choice. i can either continue the thought, feeding the fear, or i can stop thinking the thought and come back to just taking my next right step. 

the memory of the day before when i had gone on a motorbike with a young man to visit the school some 20 minutes away, without a helmet on came to me. i didn't know where we were going, and even though helmets are mandatory, in the village and for short distances, no one wears them. and the other times when i had gone on longer trips, whoever was driving, provided me with a helmet. in this case, my driver had a helmet, and i didn't. as we climbed up the mountain side the thought occurred to me that i could fall off and hurt myself and why am i endangering my life like this? and then the next thought that came was; "how about letting go of these imaginary accident scenarios that have not taken place and just remember to go buy a helmet and use it the next time you go on a motorbike." i opted to listen to that thought instead of dwelling on future accidents, and enjoyed the view the rest of the ride. i realized that now, while i walk through the dark forest, since the half moon has not risen yet, i can stay positive and in the present and just do what i can do, and ask god for help to get home safely, period. the dark patch of the path was over and now the small light from scattered houses along the rest of the path made it a little easier to decipher how to walk and soon i was home. grateful and busy with my next task at hand. 

this morning i walked down to the beach before dawn. while i journalled i remembered some thought provoking information a friend had sent me about nine buddhist principles; 

1-positive thought

2-mental peacefulness

3-deep and honest humility

4-extremely high self esteem

5= an equal view that sees everything as a wholeness, limitless and in a state of development and change

6-forgiveness of myself and the whole universe

7- humor and lightness

8- the gazing and neutral contemplating witness

9- doing the best that you can without expectations

 

i wondered if i could really implement them in my life. i had chosen the first two the night before while walking in the dark. yes, it worked...just staying positive and having mental peace and i arrived home safely. and also the ninth one, doing the best i can without expectations. while i did qigong on the beach and raised my head to the sky i suddenly saw the half moon overhead, and laughed how yep, the moon rose late and is out now! as i walked back home from the beach i suddenly viewed the path with different eyes. i saw how lucky i was to have walked it in the pitch dark! so many places where a step to the right or left would have found me flat on my face. i tried to see what it could have been that brushed my shoulder in the dark, a branch? but didn't see anything. it was then that the connection between what the bhajan singer had explained about Kali and what the buddhist  principles state. 

 

Yes, God has created it all, the horrific, the scarey, the destructive, all in order to allow me to choose. if there was no fear, i would not have to turn to god and ask for help, or guidance. but when it is all created by the same god, then i am given a choice in what i want to believe? do i want to be a slave to obsessive negative thoughts about the future or past, or do i want to choose to return to the present and witness it and ask for help and take the next right step together with a power greater than myself. and the witness just witnesses it all.