a small gesture of intention

I remember about 20 some years ago, I was asked by a relative to please "keep him in your prayers" when her brother was dying of cancer. The request surprised me, since, I didn't pray for anyone or anything in any organized way. And it opened up a window on a new option; to make up my own prayers. And so I began to make up prayers, discover prayers, find prayers, and it became a meaningful morning ritual for me….just my own prayers to my own definition of a "higher power" that felt very intimate and satisfying.

Over the years it has taken on many different shapes and forms, and seems to change along with me, letting go of what no longer is true for me and discovering what my real desire is now. It changed again when I came to Bali this time. I had brought my laptop, and was used to typing out my prayers as I experienced them….a kind of embedding them into some physical form, albeit a computer screen, but it was more the touch of my fingertips of both hands blindly typing as fast as my mind was saying them. But when I would go out before sunrise on the shore with my laptop and sit there looking out into the darkness and typing away, the light from the computer was so "out of place" among the fishermen that were going out to sea, or the women walking to market, that I quickly switched over to using a pen and notebook.

Having discovered the joy of minimal possessions, and not wanting to "waste" pens and paper, I decided to just write on the same page over and over, since I don't read it or do anything with it anyways after I have finished writing, needing the physical action as a kind of tool to keep me focused. And so that is how it has gone until now, along with the pen, that has long forgotten that it once held ink in it, so the pages are even empty! But I love the process of allowing all the prayers to roll out of my mind, out into the world. About the same time that I started with the prayers, I decided to say them before my meals, and when waking and going to sleep, and slowly built up my own rituals that give meaning and a framework to my day and help me feel connected to something greater.

Here in Bali, the praying at the temple ceremonies suited me too, since i could just pray my own prayers and knew we were all experiencing the same intention, just in different languages. The casualness of it all, with people praying together, but each at his own "time" without a prayer book, sitting on the ground with flowers, water and incense as the artifacts used to arouse the intention , was simple and inspiring. I began to notice that if there weren't ceremonies, I felt a longing for that physical connection. Watching the auntie come each day at dusk to put her offerings in several places in the resort, became a special time for me, and I would stop whatever it was I was doing (earphones and the internet usually) and would just "participate" with her with my intention and was grateful that she was "taking care of our well being, by praising god " for our sake.

Then the last full moon offerings made by the locals in the temple next door, filled the night air with the sweet incense and I thought how wonderful it all is and why not be a part of it too? So I asked nyoman, what it is all about, what it entails, when you do it, how you do it, why you do it, who does it? She explained it as a simple gesture of gratitude for all the abundance we receive daily from Nature, God and that it is done in the morning before eating, and again at dusk with flowers and incense and that anyone can do it, and as many people as want to can do it. I realized that since I am living here, and full of gratitude every moment, why not put it into a physical form too and see how it feels.

I was a little hesitant whether or not I would know how to do it and preferred that someone walk me through it one time; making the little offerings of banana leaf and a bit of bread, or making the little banana leaf cup to put the fresh flowers and incense in, and sprinkling with water with a flower….but I dared to start alone. I was amazed to see that each time I did it, I would "hear a little voice" pointing out that "maybe it would be nicer with tongs on your feet….that you remove before placing the offering….just a small gesture of …intention…." And then I would wear tongs the next day, but forget to take them off before each of the 7 places I placed offerings, or I would take them off and forget to put them back on. Or I would be bending over to put an offering on the ground before the entrance, and suddenly I would remember how I would always see the women bending down low, and not bending over, as they placed the offering…".just a small gesture of ….intention…". Another time I realized that my personal prayers that I was saying along with the offerings I placed at each place, were actually "requests" on my behalf….not offerings of gratitude! I hadn't realized that, that it is called an offering, since I am offering it to god, and not an opportunity "to get" something….hmmm….so that had to change too. What was my intention in all of this?

I also remembered how so many times I would be walking somewhere in bali, and suddenly discover that I was standing ON an offering that had just been placed on the ground! I always thought I would just die of embarrassment from my lack of sensitivity or awareness, but when I would profusely apologize and take my foot out of the middle of the flowers and incense, no one really cared. It was then that I realized that all of these offerings have everything and nothing to do with "material". Everything, because you decide what to offer and prepare it and offer it, but it ends there. And it has nothing to do with material, since the moment you have offered it, its purpose has been realized, the intention. A second later it is just some flowers and incense on the ground or on the dashboard of the car, or being blown by the wind, or eaten by some chickens or a dog….no one is waiting for elijahu to really drink the cup of wine, or come through the door….it is the intention.

The girls in the kitchen would prepare the little tray with the 7 little banana leaves the size of a match box, with the piece of bread on it. The first time I placed it down, I noticed that it was a leaf, but with a tiny narrow leaf on top of the leaf, and only on that was the piece of bread resting. Hmmm….i like that…an extra gesture…of intention…. But a few days later when I went to place the offerings down, I found the bread resting only on the one leaf, which was also twice the size of a matchbox, and it felt naked and a kind of "do what needs to be done" approach. The little added touch was missing….of intention. I commented to the girls that I liked it when there were 2 leaves and if they can do it that way always, and keep it small. It turned out that it was a young new girl that had prepared them that day, apparently not having been raised with the awareness of the meaning of the small details of the physical expression of intention.

Later in the day, nyoman mentioned to me that if I am preparing the offerings, that I should make the banana cups bigger. "otherwise it looks like you are "playing", and not for real." Whoa! That was interesting…and I realized that this is how she is, full of abundance, and devotion and that my "thrifty" ("don’t waste big banana leaves….you can manage with a small one from the tree.") banana cups were reflecting my scarcity consciousness while in fact I am thanking God for all the abundance I feel! So if there is so much abundance, why am I making little cups with just a few flowers, instead of making cups that overflow with the abundance of nature? What is my intention?

And then, nyoman worked morning shift instead of her usual afternoon and evening shift. So she prepared the tray for me to take for the offerings this morning. And to my surprise, when I went to the kitchen to take it, there were 7 little delicate banana leaves with the small pieces of bread and on top of each one was a tiny piece of mango, giving it all such a festive look! I smiled, touched by this small gesture of hers, that so beautifully showed what her intention was….to glorify, to praise, to embellish, to acknowledge, to offer thanks….in such a lovely simple personal attentive way. It was the first time I understood Judaism, and why for example someone will buy an etrog that is especially beautiful, instead of just an etrog….

Knowing that the following day the Dark Moon celebration would be going on, I asked if something is different in the offerings I make? She said yes…they can be made from the young coconut leaves instead of banana leaves. If I go to the market in the morning I can buy them there for a penny. So I woke up at 5 a.m., went out to journal at the sea, and was happy to see the rising moon which was the last sliver of the moon before the "dark moon" (new moon). Suddenly I understood why they call it the dark moon, since that is what I usually see….a big round circle of a moon that is dark! I realized that their focus is on the whole moon, whereas in Judaism it is on the lit part of the moon….interesting. Then as I walked through the coconut grove with the rising sun to the market to look for the coconut leaves, I wondered if this too is a gesture of glorifying, since the coconut trees are the tallest trees and the new young yellow leaves are chosen. And it all made sense why suddenly yesterday afternoon I saw the coconut man again with his tall bamboo ladder climbing up the tree that he had just picked the coconuts from a few days ago…why is he here again?! Aha…in order to cut the young new leaves for the women to buy in the market for the dark moon offerings. And I smiled how they have decided on a hierarchy of nature that reflects the cycle of the moon, in order to glorify their personal gesture of intention as they express their gratitude.