desires

human beings are creatures of desire. i always have a desire, or even many desires. i figure those specific desires have come to me for some reason or another, and often i have no idea why. some make my heart sing. and if they do, i decide to "hand them over to god" that if they are supposed to be actualized, they will, and if they are supposed to be "lifted" from me, they also will.

one of the many desires i have is to play the gamelon chimes in the womens temple orchestra. i experienced it by chance 6 months ago when i was in bali. the feeling of unity and service and being embraced by the chiming intensity of it all filled me up with joy. having moved further east, i hoped to find a womens gamelon orchestra in the village, but no one knew anything about it; whether there was, when they met, who was in charge, if i could join....each time i met someone new in the village i would ask if they knew. but alas, no luck. i continued every day to give it over to god to deal with. if it was meant to happen it would, and if not, then let it be.

i feel that my part in the drama is to bring this desire to the forefront each day. what happens to it after that is no longer my business, unless "guided" to act. here in bali, especially, the "tips" seem to be very clear when they come. it started with made' mentioning to me 4 days ago that there will be a big ceremony in the temple next wednesday. he knows i enjoy participating and trying to understand what its all about. i thanked him for the information and made a note of it in my mind. then suddenly that afternoon i asked myself what i want to do now? and i began to walk in one direction just to take a walk, but something guided me to turn around and go visit my adopted family after a long period of absence on my part. there the father mentioned the same ceremony and commented that the womens gamelon may be playing there, but he has no more information to help me. i went to a contact i had received the first week i was here, and her husband called to find out when they are practicing, but again, no answer. i let go.

when i returned the following day from watching some children learning classical balinese dance in the courtyard of the school, the staff told me that the husband i had met the day before had come to tell me that tomorrow at 3 the womens gamelon temple orchestra will be practicing at the community center! i jumped for joy! there is an orchestra, and i finally know where and when.

i wanted to be prompt and together with that i knew that i may be the only one there at 3. when i arrived there were some women there already, smiling at me as i entered their territory with confidence. i said in my best indonesian : i want to too. they invited me to join them, but it turned out they were 8 women in the middle of a cookie and water break from their exercise class of hip hop balinese aerobics. oops....i clarified that i had come for the gamelon and they nodded and smiled and assured me that soon they will come.

the community center is open air, and is transformed every hour or so, either with ping pong played on 2 tables that they put next to each other and attach a net, or badmiton, or aerobics, or....practising gamelon! while i was waiting, one of the men walked around with a tray with offerings and placed them one in the middle of the court underneath the volleyball net, along with other strategic places. and slowly the women started coming in all shapes, sizes, ages, in their t-shirts and 3/4 length tights pants. they always giggle, chat, are busy leaning or touching each other the whole time they are talking, and laughing always. none of them spoke english, but they were all friendly and understood i wanted to join them.

i figured out which was the leader. i decided to chance asking if i could join them, and not just sit and listen, and asked "i can?" her response "can".!!! thank you !! she motioned that i sit down at one empty gamelon among the 22 instruments where someone had not shown up. over the next two hours of practice i was sometimes guided by one of the men that is there, that knows what each individual instrument plays (unbeliveable) and i tried my best, letting go of trying to memorize, and just trying to do it in the moment. and sometimes just sitting there, not knowing what to play, and just enjoying being "inside" it all. it is very different than just listening to it, when you are among all the instruments.

the sound of the music was what i had waited for all of these months. it makes absolutely no sense to me, i have no idea if we are playing the same song again, or if it a different one...it all just goes on and on and envelopes me into it. by the time we finished my ears were ringing and i couldn't hear what anyone was saying to me. i just smiled. asked if i could come the following day again and they agreed. i refused a lift home, wanting to just walk the 15 minute path quietly, alone, letting the miracle of it all sink in.

the miracle of it all was still incomprehesible. something that i had wanted for so long, and it finally was being actualized. and all because of the different communication i had had with all these people. putting my desire up front and asking if they have a puzzle piece for me.

this morning made' came to my room to say that the woman that had offered me the lift home the day before had come to see me. it turns out her son is a cab driver and she wanted to give me his phone number if i ever need a driver. i took advantage of the fact that made' was there, and could translate, and i asked if the women meet regularly, or if this is just a 6 day practice for the ceremony on wednesday. yes, they meet every monday and saturday from 6-8 in the evening. i'm in heaven! there is a womens gamelon temple orchestra, ("...right here in river city!"). i asked if i can participate? yes. thank you.

and this afternoon i again left for the practice. again, the only one there at 3, but by 3:30 slowly everyone shows up, laughing, playing with each other. this is the balinese. i had thought that they just haven't "grown up" yet. but a woman i met that knows them and has lived with them had a different take on it, she said it is just that they haven't lost that natural playfulness of children that we westerners have. i liked that theory. it made sense here.

today after i had been motioned to sit down at the gamelon, they placed me in the cymbals section. when i got off my little stool to move to the cymbals on the floor to my left, i stepped over one of the gongs that was near my feet. the head woman made an exaggerated imitation of surprise and imitated my clumsy insensitivity of stepping over a holy musical instrument, so everyone laughed. this is how they deal with embarrassing situations...just like little kids. i said excuse me, realizing my mistake.

until she imitated me i hadn't realized how my body move so entirely different from theirs. there is a kind of minimalistic approach to everything, and also very slow, and almost invisible. i watch the gardener and the waitresses and housekeeper everyday, and see a kind of flow. when jochan decided to cut off the tall branches on the lemon tree so that it would grow in width instead of in height, he asked made' for his knife (all men have a kind a sickle that they use for everything) and he just hacked away at two branches with large strenuous movements, leaving the tree naked. i don't know if i would have noticed it as strange, if it wasn't so totally in contrast to the delicate and exact movements that made' makes when he gardens. he stood nearby, but did not comment. and when i sat down near the cymbals i suddenly felt just like i had just hacked at the branches too, with my stepping over the gong.

now i lifted up the heavy metal cymbals with red pom poms on them. we were 6 women, playing 3 different rhythms. the cymbals is an important element in the orchestra bringing a very fast exciting beating at certain moments in the rounds of the melody. i kept close watch to the woman on my right to keep the right beat. i saw that for me it didn't make any difference if i was on the cymbals or the gamelon, the experience of playing this music together was what fulfilled my desire. each time i made a mistake i saw that i was cringing. no one seemed to mind the mistakes...as the entire atmosphere is one of laughing and teasing and pushing and playfulness, together with serious efforts by each participant to play her individual beat. several men, experienced gamelon players, were all "conducting" and helping different women play their parts. and even they were laughing as one was raising his hand for crescendo as the other one was doing the opposite! bali....a place where my desires are being realized. and i am grateful.