the grace

ahh....i should have saved that photo of the sun rays showering down, for this blog! that is what happened this morning, although it was predawn, and no sun rays, but it felt just like that. i wake up at 5:30 to sit by the sea and watch the sun rise with the silhouettes of the palm trees and fishermens boats while i journal. and there i was journaling about something, and suddenly out of nowhere (but from the left side of my head) the melody that i could not figure out yesterday at the gamelon lesson, came tumbling out!

all i could do was just keep repeating "thank you". i stopped journaling and just listened to it and then decided to pick up the pen and just tap out the rhythm with it so that i would have the kinetic experience too. once i had digested this miracle, i pondered about it. what enables this? what hampers it?

i knew last night when i returned feeling so powerless over recognizing the rhythm and what to do with my left hand, that i had a choice of whether to try and figure it out rationally with my mind, or just let it go and trust that when i am supposed to know how to play it i will, and until then, just make the best effort i can during the lesson itself. i went to sleep, letting it go, as if the space inside my body just needs to process the experience, and not to disturb that with my mind now, which would just be from my ego to succeed. rav laitman, my teacher for kabbalah, is always saying that all that is needed is a true inner desire, that is all, the rest will come from "the light". he is referring to the desire to be at one with god, and fiercely impresses NOT to project this onto our daily life, but i know this is also what happened with the gamelon music this morning. i had such a strong desire to play the tune without "eileen" there....just to be a channel for it to come out and harmonize with the others that were playing, but there was something stuck, a blockage, that had not yet reached a place of light that could correct it. and then the grace came.

this need to play the gamelon is not some ego trip. it is a strong inner connecting with other people through this communal music. there are no composers, no solos, no applause, or personal expressions, they are the traditional songs that were created years ago and have been passed down. it is a playful and alive way to be in union with others, staying centered and open and giving and receiving.

i just wonder what all this music does to them? they are all, constantly either clicking rocks together, singing, playing an instrument, humming or dancing these very complicated "rounds" all the time, and hearing them at all the ceremonies which take place every few days. this morning while i was doing my tai chi on the beach, one of the fishermen that is right opposite the resort, was unraveling his net after having returned from his morning catch, and suddenly he started singing. i glanced over while still doing my tai chi, and there was a big fish caught in his net, and all the other fishermen looked over to me to see if i am noticing it too. and all i could do was give a big smile of participation in his song of joy for the catch! that means he was lucky today and can sell it for $1! dang dang dang dun dan dee dang dun nang de dan doon...