being and doing

in my kabbalah studies i have understood that life is a series of steps that we go up on and there is the effort to reach the next step each time, but once we are on that step we are on a plateau and we gain our balance and stance and then....we need more; more stimulation, more pleasure, more whatever and so we reach out for the next step, and this constant reaching reflects our need to receive something new all the time (information, knowledge, experience, love, material goods, respect, spirituality, talents....) and that this inborn trait of a constant need to receive is what animates our lives. if we feel the meaninglessness of it all and search for a deeper meaning and purpose to our lives, (to bestow) than we may be able to develop another level of existence, a soul,

why am i explaining all of this? because it is right there on the surface of my life all of the time, and especially apparent now since i have arrived in new, yet familiar surroundings. the first day when i returned the power of this place and its impact on me filled me with joy.i could feel how hungry i was inside for the nourishment that i receive here from my surroundings. i became my "best" me. a week ago i left home not knowing why i was returning here, with a distant fuzzy memory that a few months ago while here i had felt my ultimate dream life had been realized and i must return and live here.

and now i can feel how i am on "the step" standing, stable....and then comes the gnawing ever present question "and what now? is this all there is to life?" that constant need for another "hit". it doesn't matter what the hit is from; food, sex, a phone call, a cigarette, chocolate, money, a compliment, a trip, a haircut, a swim....and i remember my brother years ago stating that he wanted to be a "human being" and not a "human doing". that made an impact on me, but i was very busy doing and couldn't imagine not doing....and now years later i find myself "retired"...the drive to work at a job everyday has vanished, but instead i have discovered that i am a healthy capable human being with many talents and abilities and i want to give to the world...but how?

yesterday i went to visit someones new villa in the area here, to see if he needed a house-sitter while they go abroad for a few years. it would be a cheap way to stay in bali by the sea, so i went to check it out. as i sat behind him on the motorbike he asked me what i plan to do with all my time? hmm...good question. as an anglo here in bali, i cannot really work and earn money, unless i am doing something that a balinese person cannot do, since they need work badly. he said that if i was going to be taking care of his house while he and his wife are abroad, there would be cleaning and gardening and upkeep to do, but is that what i am looking for? i realized , as soon as i arrived at their place which reminded me of an arab house in a typical arab viillage as far as architecture and landscape and furnishings and a 5 minute walk to the sea...when i returned to my place, feeling a bit depressed it took me a while to discover what it is that nourishes me here.

it isn't just to be "in bali" at any cost. i woke up this morning before dawn to watch the sunrise over the sea, and also to see how it later began to shimmer on the water, and the fishing boats came in and the fishermen were arranging their nets and the kids were hanging out to see how many fish were caught, i realized that i am a voyeur,,,,i am getting vicarious pleasure from standing in the sun by the sea watching these simple people live their simple lives with care and respect and aesthetics. is this how i want to spend my life? i kept hooping after they went on their way, and kept trying to figure out what it is here? and as i sit in this "bale" (a raised platform with a double mattress and pillows open on all sides and with a straw roof over it overlooking the sea) i realize that there is a lot of power in these huge old trees that line the seashore, the canopies of shade they offer, the tall tall coconut trees with their lovely leaves hanging down and creating an idyllic picture frame as the sun rises beyond them, the sound of the sea, the soft heaving surface of the water, the coast that gently curves around the blue sky, the quiet aesthetics, the children jumping in the sea in the afternoon, the villagers walking by to the temple now and then with an offering on their heads, the temples that are nearby with their music, the cool breeze, the exotic lush green garden, the exquisite gourmet healthy meals i am served, and the simple empty small bedroom with a wooden window that opens out to the sea without a screen on it and....what now? what am i going to do all day? or BE all day?

a friend asked me what i do all day. i decided to write it down for her; wake up to see the sunrise, journal 3 pages free style, write down my gratitude and prayer list, do tibetan yoga and tai chi exercises, have a hot shower, hoola hoop in the morning sun on the sand jog on the trampoline while learning indonesian on my mp3, meet 6 other people here and have a nice breakfast together out under the huge bale (covered platform) that overlooks the sea, have interesting conversation with them, sit out overlooking the sea on my laptop with internet and either blog or study kabbalah for a few hours, write some emails, go for a walk on the beach or into the village, take some photos or discover something that i have never seen before: making salt, fixing fishing nets, balinese dancing lessons which happens either while walking along the beach or in the village or forest nearby.... come back and have a light lunch again with everyone, go for a swim in the pool and enjoy the gardens that surround me as i swim, and commune with nature, play the onkelon (xylophone) and try and learn new traditional balinese tunes, again kabbalah studies or e-mails or repeat todays indonesian lesson again to try and remember the new vocabulary, try it out on the staff or local villagers, edit the photos i took, meet everyone again for dinner, enjoy being served another aesthetic delicious meal that the chef has planned for us and that feeds all the senses but does not leave me feeling like i overate along with good conversation and laughs. and then off to bed with either some more kabbalah or not. that is my day....a typical day....

but i am beginning to feel that gnawing feeling that i am no longer a tourist, but neither am i a resident, and what am i going to do with my life? why am i here? to write a blog? to just be? to volunteer? am i allowed to just do that everyday? just be? or do i need to DO something? why am i alive today? do i return to my home in israel and find a part time job in a few months and THEN there is meaning to my life? and what happens then to all the things that give me so much energy and life here (the sea, the huge trees, the warm weather, the down to earth villagers...) can i "BE" anywhere. or is it natural that these physical conditions make me feel more alive and nourished? to be or not to be....yes, that really is the question....