reality is a choice

i had just finished publishing my last blog, and was feeling the sparkle of life, and i opened up an email from my daughter. she only wrote a few sentences, concerning the political situation in israel, and when i lifted up my head, all of reality had suddenly changed. what had been multi-dimensional and glowing and filled with light, was suddenly flat, thick, material; the trees, leaves, sea, air, buildings had lost all of their light airy quality. i tried to shake my head, to get "my" vision back of how i have seen the world until this moment, blinked my eyes, thought i could just push it away and get back to REALITY! but no...

i had to shower and do my round of gratitude since it was now dusk. It is usually a special time of being in a fine flow of wonder for all that i experienced this day, for all of the abundance, nourishment, love, and beauty. but this evening i just went through the motions, searched for some words that would make sense when put one next to the other in my mind, my connection with a Source was gone. i could see what was happening but i couldn't understand it fully.

at night i awoke suddenly and was listening to the noise i heard; planes overhead....ah, yes, that familiar sound whenever there is war in israel, but i am in bali, why are there planes overhead at night? i dozed off only to awaken again a little while later and again heard the noise. as i listened to it i noticed that my huge arched thatch roofed ceiling, which usually fills me with a sense of openness and air and security was no longer there. it had been replaced by 2 wooden walls, and a sense of insecurity, that anyone can enter through the open front sliding doors at any moment. i heard some noises and stayed still in bed, trying to figure out if there is someone in my room or outside. i heard a meow and realized it was just a cat. a few moments later i recognized that the sound that i thought was planes overhead, was actually the same waves, clashing on the shoreline like always.

it was then that the understanding came. i realized that G!D had just allowed me a hands on experience of how sadness, fear, doubt, scarcity, worry, insecurity, all create a view of life that is very material, very temporal, very empty. and that when i am full of gratitude, wonder, joy, love, faith, connection, light, happiness, fun, openness, my reality is totally different....even though i am in the exact same surroundings! how awesome! i am the only one that chooses how i want to live my life!

when i left my room at 5:15 to watch the sunrise, i saw that i felt like it was as if i had never been outside before. i could choose to be afraid and small and closed down, or i could choose to be full and open and joyful. all of reality was just there....in front of me...the sea, the orange sky, the fishermen and their boats, someone making a bonfire with leaves, someone walking on the shore....and i can feel safe and embraced in the wonder of mother nature, or stuck in my contracted mind full of fear and future, and empty.....i remembered that it is also what has happened in the past when i would hear of someone suddenly being killed, or dying....my world would suddenly close down, be almost non existent; stuck in emotions swirling in my head and stomach, having lost touch with the here and now, which is always perfect.

so today the challenge is to "find" my way back.....i choose to stay in the Light. is it possible to feel the sadness or mourning, (since i was just notified that my ex-brother in law just died of a heart attack) and not to close down, not to lost contact with the force of life?,

the third stage of life

"Vanaprastha. The third stage comes when one’s children arc settled and can look after themselves. It is time for the middle-aged couple to become vanaprasthas, or those who retire. In modern parlance this means that the time has come for one to detach oneself from worldly desires and attachments and retire to the sylvan peace of contemplation meditation and spiritual pursuits."

this morning when i was watching the sunrise, and again in awe of G!D and the pinks and oranges and light blues and clouds and sea and silhouettes of some men on shore fishing, i thought "this is all i need in life." and i asked myself; why is THIS what you need? where did you imagine this scenario before that it is what you feel so at home at? i remembered how already as a teenager i was a hermann hesse devotee, with his book "Siddhartha" being an important turning point in my life. i have no recollection of the book or story now, but i just remember feeling that it was mine, from some other life.


a few months ago, when i was trying to explain to those around me my desire to live in bali, a friend commented that i "must have an old eastern soul". i know that at university i specialized in art history of the far east. when i moved to israel in the 70's i began to meditate and do yoga. it seemed to be the path as i searched for something that i knew must be there, but didn't know what it was. a few years later i began a long period in which i studied hinduism, reading the sacred texts. i was fascinated by the idea that at a certain point in life, you just leave your family and go off to live a life of contemplation. what?! someone is allowed to just stop working and "reflect on life, in nature"? i wondered what the family does when the adult just goes and does his thing!

and as the days roll by, each full and beautiful here by the sea, following the phases of the moon, and the ebb and flow of the tide, and i will be returning to my family and friends in another week, i remembered the "third stage". i am returning here again for another 4 months after the family visit. i know it is where i am supposed to be and what i am supposed to be doing. after ordering the plane tickets yesterday, for the upcoming trip, i realized that something had changed. a constant small voice of doubt and guilt had vanished. for the past month, every time i tried to order my plane tickets, something would happen just as i was about to press the enter key to submit my credit card details. first a loud voice of doubt came scurrying by saying: are you really sure those are the right dates? it sure seems like a long time! maybe too long, no? and suddenly i had doubts, where there were not doubts a minute before,and then when i would go to press the enter key, either there was no longer an internet connection, or my time had suddenly terminated on the site, or my billing address in israel was not an option, or the fantastic deal i had just found was suddenly no longer available. i am happy to say, that i found it quite humorous. day after day, i searched and tried, with emails to friends, with new ideas of travel companies, etc. etc. and each time, the same thing....the voice of doubt, which was getting quieter and quieter, and some "act of fate", made it impossible to reserve flights. i would be in the throes of 15 tabs of different airline companies open and trying to mix and match all the cheapest flights with the least amount of time to wait, and visas, and i felt like someone on a tight rope doing a juggling act at the same time. and i kept saying to myself; there must be another way. i do not want to have to order tickets like this on the computer. and together with that, i have to do the footwork in order to live my vision. if this is where i need to be at this stage of my life, i need two feet on the ground also, that arrange the practicalities.

gratefully i was able to laugh about it each time, and try again another time. and kept reflecting and wondering what it all means....what is my lesson here? and yesterday, i made another attempt. yes, it too demanded creative solutions and many emails and the internet being a rascal again and again as i needed to reconnect, but something was different this time. there were human beings involved, answering my e-mails about prices and times, and not just a computer form. and a calm had come over me, in which the cheapest flight was no longer top priority, but rather, what would be most peaceful and simple, even if it does cost a few hundred dollars more? what will make this a pleasant experience as i trust that "someone" is pulling the strings of this scenario, and what role am i in?

the voice of doubt was no longer audible. the clarity that this is what i need to be doing at this stage of my life, was simple and true. i could no longer write letters to family and friends hoping for their approval or understanding of me. reality here had filled me up each moment with such clarity and peace. and this morning when i sat out on the stones on the shore, watching the beautiful sea and waves and sky, listening to the lapping of the waves, feeling the nice breeze and pleasant weather, and feeling so "at one" with it all, i remembered that in hinduism there is a stage in life that is meant just for this. a stage in life where i no longer am living and working and using money daily, and having to support my family.

and as i was swimming in the pool, which is my "dreaming time" everyday around noon, floating on my back on the warm water looking at the exotic garden around me and grateful grateful grateful, i suddenly thought; if someone asks me what i did in bali everyday, what am i going to say? that i didn't do anything? that i just sat around, looking out at the sea, meditating, studying kabbalah, doing tai chi on the shore in the morning, hoola hooping at dusk by the waves, journaling, making offerings of gratitude from the banana leaves and flowers and sprinkling water on them as i pray to G!D in gratitude for the people and nourishment to body, mind and soul, drawing mandalas on baskets and stones, teaching english to the balinese staff, jumping on a trampoline at sunset with my earphones as i study indonesian, helping the fishermen push their boats ashore as i walk by collecting the plastic, and just sitting in the little thatch roof platform opposite the sea and detaching myself "from worldly desires and attachments and retire to the sylvan peace of contemplation meditation and spiritual pursuits."

also in my kabbalah studies and in many other paths in life i have come across the "law of attraction" that means that we manifest that which we can see and feel as true. that the greatest attraction force that pulls manifestation into being is the feeling of fulfillment from what we have held in our mind. when i began to realize that i was done being a potter, what i envisioned was just "being". i just wanted to be, by the sea, in a warm place, without money, without a car, home, without responsibilities, without having to work....and here i am.

i am a firm believer that if our heart is singing to do something, then it is the thing to be doing. it doesn't mean that the whole way will be easy, or that anyone else will like it, but it will be what I need to be doing now in life. we can all dream anything that we want!

sound

a priest, a man and his wife and 2 young sons had just walked past the resort on their way to the temple next door. i realized that soon i would be hearing the chanting and ringing of the priests bell as the ceremony began. so while i was exercising on my porch, the ringing of the bell by the priest, began. it was so lovely. i regretted that i hadn't planned my morning more in sync with the sounds, so that i could have been meditating at the same time that he was ringing his bell, and feel what it feels like "inside" when it rings. but, the ringing only lasts for 10 minutes or so, so i knew i lost my chance. i continued on with my tai chi by the sea, and again heard the bell ringing. hmm...this is a special ceremony, ringing the bell twice. as i did the tai chi it was easier to "listen" and what surprised me was that it was as if a "universal" tone. it fit in perfect with the sound of the waves and the peace within me. i tired to figure it out. what note was it? how could it be such a perfect sound, uniting nature. the ringing went on and on and i could feel how the same ringing tone, from every bell of every priest here in bali, is putting out a specific vibration into the air. just like when the ice cream truck goes around and it creates a certain response in those who hear that same sound every summer, from every "good humor" ice cream truck in detroit. and it even surprises me to realize what the name of that ice cream truck was!? Good humor! maybe that is why i am addicted to ice cream?! it was always related to "being in a good humor! and maybe that is why i am addicted to hearing these priests ringing their bells here in bali....because the vibration vibrates at a specific vibration that is like the ice cream truck....something that i love and want more and more of, that brings me a nice feeling inside, that makes me feel connected to something much greater than my own small world. is it the note "C" in the middle of the keyboard of a piano? why is "C" the middle? the ringing continued on and on even while i went to meditate, and i saw how perfect it felt. all was ONE. nothing airy fairy, just ONE.

the following morning, the accapello voice of one of the chanters rang through the air at 5 a.m. as usual. it was one of my favorite melodies. it reminded me of a sean o"connor song. i saw how lovely it is to wake up to this....rather than to an alarm clock (not that i use one) and what a way to start your day!

i also realized how the constant sound of the waves crashing on the shore, was very soothing to me. i always sit close enough to the sea so i can hear it as my background music. it even made me laugh once when someone offered to give me a reflexology treatment, and asked me to arrange some nice background music so that i would be relaxed. being the obedient person that i always am, i found something on my laptop and put the speakers up, as he began the treatment outside by the pool....only to find that why in the world would i want some "canned" music, when the wind, birds, and sea are surrounding me?! everyone else would be recording exactly my surroundings in order to use as background music for people in a room getting a reflexology treatment! i didn't need some recorded music to relax....i am here on purpose...so that my background music in life is nature, and not the sounds of machines, or cars, or televisions, or recorded music. it is this live, real sound of people and life and live instruments that touches my heart. it is the quiet conversing between people, laughter, chickens, pigs, bells, singing, that fill the air and leave their mark on me.

i read an article the other day about "boxes" by rabbi nathan segal. (www.nathan.net) and i suddenly found a kindred soul that put down in words what i felt, but didn't understand why. he said that we go around in boxes all day; our car, school, house, workplace, even synagogue! and i realized that here in bali, i live outdoors from 5 a.m. until 8 p.m....no "boxes", no walls, no doors, no windows....just out in nature, hearing the sounds of nature, and life. the temple is just a courtyard....there is no building to go in to. and there is a feeling of unity, of connectedness because of the sounds that are in the air all the time....the gamelons that are playing now are ringing out from the deceaseds' house and everyone knows it as they hear it ringing in the air from a distance. sound....

out at sea

one of the guests wanted to go out in a boat to see dolphins and i decided to join him. the fisherman met us at 5 a.m. and got on board....which means, a boat which is as wide as a large tree trunk that has been hollowed out, has a little piece of wood laid across its' width and that is the seat. i was in the middle, next to the motor with our smiling balinese fisherman at the back and the austrian man a few inches from me, at the front end. i understood now how the balinese can make fishing boats from tree trunks...because they themselves are usually thin and tall, so no problem. i, on the other hand, felt squeezed into a chair that was way too narrow for my feminine pelvic bones and was scrunched like that for our 3 hour ride. a good reminder to lose some weight.

the fisherman started the motor a few minutes after we had passed the coral reef near the shore, and what followed was an hour and a half of exhaust fumes being blown into my mouth and nose since the wind was going in that direction and i was next to the motor. the sea was very still, which i was grateful for, since the day before it had left the dolphin seeking guests nauseous because of the big waves. i had always wanted to go out to sea, and not just to the right or left, and here we were, going straight out to what until now seemed like fairy land.

the sky was still dark and the friction from the bamboo side poles hitting the sea so fast caused a kind of visual electric effect so that the water was lit up like with white fireflies all the time! i tried to focus on things other than the sensation of burning in my clean lungs and throat from the gasoline fumes, thinking i could control my mind beyond this matter. eventually we were watching the sunrise too. but after an hour and a half out at sea with the noise and fumes i was beginning to think that this dolphin boat ride should be marketed a little differently, and should just be called a sunrise boat trip, so as not to disappoint the participants since there really aren't any dolphins around.

just as i finished sharing that with the austrian the fisherman gave a little yell and we looked to where he was pointing and recognized some fins that were slightly different than the waves that they resembled! yeah! dolphins! the next hour was filled with us looking out 360 degree for any more signs of dolphins. each time one of us would point and say "there!" and i would yell out with glee like a little kid, as i saw the pods of dolphins swimming so beautifully along with the waves, allowing us just to see their tails or fins or sides, but not their face, and then after flowing in and out like that for a few minutes they would again dive down and leave us again searching for signs of another group somewhere. i even got to see one of the little ones do a twist in the air. and it was lovely seeing how many of them were together each time, in totally different areas out at sea. and just realizing that there were tens if not hundreds of them, romping around. it was lots of fun, and a welcome reprieve allowing me to forget about the fumes and focus on the playful dolphins. as we headed back to shore, the wind was in my favor and i could just enjoy the view of the north coast of bali from a distance, and also the gratitude for having been around all of those dolphins out at sea.

another aspiration of mine was to see how the fishermen really fish for fish. i love seeing how people "do " things. so the following day i was out early collecting plastic from the beach, and i saw a friendly fisherman starting to push his boat, alone, over the rocky shore, out to sea. i offered my help, and he accepted. together we quickly and easily moved it. he then hand motioned me if i want to go out fishing with him, YES! my answers are always yes. i never think. first i say yes. in his broken english, and my broken indonesian we managed to understand each other. he was going out for 4 hours. Yes! but suddenly i remembered that i needed to first put the morning offerings in place showing my gratitude for the abundance of everything we have been given this morning, (their way of prayer before eating) so i told him to wait 5 minutes. i ran back, quickly changed into temple clothes, got the little bits of bread placed on the already cut squares of banana leaves on the tray, and quickly did my "rounds" of gratitude, ran back to my room, changed clothes again, and ran over to his boat, grateful that the balinese call time "rubber" since you can stretch it....which i had just done, with my "5 minute" request. i thought, at most, he won't be there. so what. but he was, and i jumped onto my little seat again and he pushed us out and jumped onto his.

this fisherman was a little chubbier and i noticed that he didn't (and couldn't) sit on the seat, so he just sat cross legged on the sides of the boat allowing him to stay easy going and not confined. i had seen him face to face the day before, as he drove off on his motorbike and said"goodbye" in english as he passed me on the shore. and now that we were in the boat together i realized that this was the fisherman i would see every morning from my sunrise spot on the rocks at shore, as he would push his boat out alone some 50 meters from me. and each time i would think "ah, i should ask him one day if i can go out with him, since he is alone", and usually there isn't room for a guest when they are 2 fishermen. so here was my wish being fulfilled.

as i looked at him i thought that he looked alot like the fisherman that has his boat right in front of the resort, and i asked him if his brother is a fisherman too? yep...right in front of the resort. but this man was much nicer and spoke some english and had a very happy cheerful attitude to life, so i was glad to be with him. he apologized for having to turn on the motor, once we passed the coral reef, and i thought "oh no, again!" but luckily the wind was blowing in a different direction and i could just enjoy the ride. he had painted this old motor pink, which made me giggle; a pink motor! and out we went.

after a while he turned off the motor and started to get his bait ready. his fishing rod; a spool of fishing line, with 5 ends to it, each with a hook and bait! clever! if you are already throwing a weighted line out to sea, why not give yourself more chances?! he had brought some small squids as bait and looped them onto the hook, three times, for safe keeping. he sunk his line and held it resting on his index finger in order to "feel" if the fish are biting and thus quickly bring it up. we were out to fish red snappers. he had caught 2 big ones the day before here, and so he was trying his luck again.

now and then we spoke; english, indonesian....and also were just quiet. he pointed to the landscape of mountains which are the backdrop to the northern coast, and he said that the small mountain behind his village of tejekula is "little pyramid!" suddenly i looked at the layers of mountains in different eyes, and could see how he would call it a little pyramid. but it made me smile to think how this simple villager that has never left this island, and maybe not even the village, would think about pyramids! but i decided he was right, and maybe that is the specialness that hovers around this village!

after about 15 minutes at this spot at sea, he raised the line, and found the bait still on the hooks, but someone had eaten the fishes head. he laughed. then said " no strike". which made me laugh. how in the world did they decide that that was the word to use if you caught a fish?! they certainly don't have either bowling nor baseball here! again the motor went on and he chose to sail over to where another fishing boat was nearby. "we go to my friends". i was surprised that the friends didn't mind competition for the fish. but just laughed and asked each other if they had a strike or not. at one point we suddenly saw alot of jumping about at sea, and he said "tuna". and a big circle of fish were making lots of waves as they caught small fish at the top layer of the sea. i asked him why we are not running over to try and catch some. he smiled and said, "no have for tuna, only for snapper", meaning, you need a strong fishing rod to catch a tuna, and all he had were his 5 hooks on his reel of fishing line.

that is how the next hour went, moving from place to place to wherever his friends went or recommended, since he kept bringing up the line and either finding it with all the bait on it and said " fish sleeping. ha ha ha" or bringing up the line and no bait on it and saying "little fish eat! ha ha ha" (and since they were little there was no tug on his finger letting him know that there were fish eating the bait). the day before i had visited a german couple that have a villa on the sea only a 10 minute walk from me, and they said that at breakfast they had seen dolphins in front of their house, and also the water fountain of a whale. so while we sat there, watching the sun rise, and the ripples on the sea change with the wind, i kept my eyes open for any dolphins or whales. the general mood was one of relaxation and happiness. life is good, yesterday his wife grilled the fish, today they will eat rice. when i asked if his wife works, he said that she has a stand in the morning market selling rice (little hand wrapped bags of 1/2 kilo of rice which can give them a few $ to live on.)

we returned towards shore, as we both bent down watching the coral reef to see if there were any fish there...."sleeping, ha ha ha". i wondered why he was only paddling and without the motor, and he said " no friends". and i realized that when they decide to return to shore, it is a good idea to have some friends there, to help you bring in the boat and carry it up the slope of stones to place it far enough from the shore so that the tide will not take it out again, before you do. it was then that i understood how important their friendships are, how they need each other, and do things together, and have their fishing cooperative, and can sit and laugh out at sea together at sunrise, or mend their nets together, or carry out or in the boat together, which is probably why they go in pairs, and also to save on fuel, or tell each other where a good spot is. he paddled the boat to shore and together we pushed it a little, but out of nowhere, a "friend" appeared. he was a man that never looks or smiles at me. i was happy to see that at least he is friendly with this fisherman. and then i watched as the two of them carried the boat ashore. that is a good friend; with strong muscles! when i passed his little banana shack, the door was open and i saw that it was slightly bigger than the old wooden frame bed that was inside, with a board, no mattress, and 2 small plastic sacks filled with something, as pillows...the simple life of the fishermen.

the dark moon

There was a procession of worshippers passing by the shoulder high stone wall of the resort yesterday. They were on their way to the temple to give their offerings…the women with baskets filled to 40 centimeters high with fruits and rice and baked goods and flowers, and coconut leaf cut decorations symbolizing the dark moon. It is an opportunity for them to combine another ceremony that they want to do, since it is an auspicious time.

All day there was taped music and singing of praise and blessings coming from the nearby temple. My usual banana cup leaf offerings were substituted with star or flower shaped coconut leaf cups with only white and yellow flowers for the dark moon. Made' had suggested that "white and yellow are appropriate". She would never tell me I should or have to…just giving a bit of guidance.

Since I had woken up at 5 in the morning yesterday, I thought I would already go out and sit by the sea, where I watch the sunrise, and I can see the thin crescent shaped moon before the dark moon that would follow today. It was very special seeing the moon out over the sea, at 5 in the morning with the sky full of so many stars, since there aren't any lights to affect the view. There was a festive feeling in the air because of the dark moon ceremonies. Jochan complained at breakfast that the he doesn't understand why they need microphones amplifying it all at 5 in the morning and for the rest of the day. I thought about it and realized that it invites everyone to "feel" the celebration, even if they themselves are at home cleaning or cooking…and that everyones intentions are being united and the air is different! Just like in Israel before Shabbat, or on Shabbat how you can feel the magic in the air.

Since I was already tossing and turning at 5 again this morning I decided it was an invitation to go see what a dark moon rise looks like over the sea. What a treat….a huge sky filled with tons of stars, and I could barely make out the horizon at sea, and then the slightest little line of light appeared there, which soon became the last sliver of the moon before it begins its new moon phase. It slowly rose while silhouettes of women with tall offerings on their heads, holding babies in their arms followed by a man with a flashlight, or two men carrying the roasted pig for the ceremony walked along the shore as the waves gently broke.

Suddenly I realized that there is a whole other network going on here in bali, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, of devotion that kind of envelopes everyone and everything and gives a very interesting feeling of security, of being part of something greater than just day to day living and work. A constant connection with nature, in nature. And looking out at the arrangements of the stars gave a sensation that we are all in a very exact juxtaposition, like the steady beating of a heart.

a small gesture of intention

I remember about 20 some years ago, I was asked by a relative to please "keep him in your prayers" when her brother was dying of cancer. The request surprised me, since, I didn't pray for anyone or anything in any organized way. And it opened up a window on a new option; to make up my own prayers. And so I began to make up prayers, discover prayers, find prayers, and it became a meaningful morning ritual for me….just my own prayers to my own definition of a "higher power" that felt very intimate and satisfying.

Over the years it has taken on many different shapes and forms, and seems to change along with me, letting go of what no longer is true for me and discovering what my real desire is now. It changed again when I came to Bali this time. I had brought my laptop, and was used to typing out my prayers as I experienced them….a kind of embedding them into some physical form, albeit a computer screen, but it was more the touch of my fingertips of both hands blindly typing as fast as my mind was saying them. But when I would go out before sunrise on the shore with my laptop and sit there looking out into the darkness and typing away, the light from the computer was so "out of place" among the fishermen that were going out to sea, or the women walking to market, that I quickly switched over to using a pen and notebook.

Having discovered the joy of minimal possessions, and not wanting to "waste" pens and paper, I decided to just write on the same page over and over, since I don't read it or do anything with it anyways after I have finished writing, needing the physical action as a kind of tool to keep me focused. And so that is how it has gone until now, along with the pen, that has long forgotten that it once held ink in it, so the pages are even empty! But I love the process of allowing all the prayers to roll out of my mind, out into the world. About the same time that I started with the prayers, I decided to say them before my meals, and when waking and going to sleep, and slowly built up my own rituals that give meaning and a framework to my day and help me feel connected to something greater.

Here in Bali, the praying at the temple ceremonies suited me too, since i could just pray my own prayers and knew we were all experiencing the same intention, just in different languages. The casualness of it all, with people praying together, but each at his own "time" without a prayer book, sitting on the ground with flowers, water and incense as the artifacts used to arouse the intention , was simple and inspiring. I began to notice that if there weren't ceremonies, I felt a longing for that physical connection. Watching the auntie come each day at dusk to put her offerings in several places in the resort, became a special time for me, and I would stop whatever it was I was doing (earphones and the internet usually) and would just "participate" with her with my intention and was grateful that she was "taking care of our well being, by praising god " for our sake.

Then the last full moon offerings made by the locals in the temple next door, filled the night air with the sweet incense and I thought how wonderful it all is and why not be a part of it too? So I asked nyoman, what it is all about, what it entails, when you do it, how you do it, why you do it, who does it? She explained it as a simple gesture of gratitude for all the abundance we receive daily from Nature, God and that it is done in the morning before eating, and again at dusk with flowers and incense and that anyone can do it, and as many people as want to can do it. I realized that since I am living here, and full of gratitude every moment, why not put it into a physical form too and see how it feels.

I was a little hesitant whether or not I would know how to do it and preferred that someone walk me through it one time; making the little offerings of banana leaf and a bit of bread, or making the little banana leaf cup to put the fresh flowers and incense in, and sprinkling with water with a flower….but I dared to start alone. I was amazed to see that each time I did it, I would "hear a little voice" pointing out that "maybe it would be nicer with tongs on your feet….that you remove before placing the offering….just a small gesture of …intention…." And then I would wear tongs the next day, but forget to take them off before each of the 7 places I placed offerings, or I would take them off and forget to put them back on. Or I would be bending over to put an offering on the ground before the entrance, and suddenly I would remember how I would always see the women bending down low, and not bending over, as they placed the offering…".just a small gesture of ….intention…". Another time I realized that my personal prayers that I was saying along with the offerings I placed at each place, were actually "requests" on my behalf….not offerings of gratitude! I hadn't realized that, that it is called an offering, since I am offering it to god, and not an opportunity "to get" something….hmmm….so that had to change too. What was my intention in all of this?

I also remembered how so many times I would be walking somewhere in bali, and suddenly discover that I was standing ON an offering that had just been placed on the ground! I always thought I would just die of embarrassment from my lack of sensitivity or awareness, but when I would profusely apologize and take my foot out of the middle of the flowers and incense, no one really cared. It was then that I realized that all of these offerings have everything and nothing to do with "material". Everything, because you decide what to offer and prepare it and offer it, but it ends there. And it has nothing to do with material, since the moment you have offered it, its purpose has been realized, the intention. A second later it is just some flowers and incense on the ground or on the dashboard of the car, or being blown by the wind, or eaten by some chickens or a dog….no one is waiting for elijahu to really drink the cup of wine, or come through the door….it is the intention.

The girls in the kitchen would prepare the little tray with the 7 little banana leaves the size of a match box, with the piece of bread on it. The first time I placed it down, I noticed that it was a leaf, but with a tiny narrow leaf on top of the leaf, and only on that was the piece of bread resting. Hmmm….i like that…an extra gesture…of intention…. But a few days later when I went to place the offerings down, I found the bread resting only on the one leaf, which was also twice the size of a matchbox, and it felt naked and a kind of "do what needs to be done" approach. The little added touch was missing….of intention. I commented to the girls that I liked it when there were 2 leaves and if they can do it that way always, and keep it small. It turned out that it was a young new girl that had prepared them that day, apparently not having been raised with the awareness of the meaning of the small details of the physical expression of intention.

Later in the day, nyoman mentioned to me that if I am preparing the offerings, that I should make the banana cups bigger. "otherwise it looks like you are "playing", and not for real." Whoa! That was interesting…and I realized that this is how she is, full of abundance, and devotion and that my "thrifty" ("don’t waste big banana leaves….you can manage with a small one from the tree.") banana cups were reflecting my scarcity consciousness while in fact I am thanking God for all the abundance I feel! So if there is so much abundance, why am I making little cups with just a few flowers, instead of making cups that overflow with the abundance of nature? What is my intention?

And then, nyoman worked morning shift instead of her usual afternoon and evening shift. So she prepared the tray for me to take for the offerings this morning. And to my surprise, when I went to the kitchen to take it, there were 7 little delicate banana leaves with the small pieces of bread and on top of each one was a tiny piece of mango, giving it all such a festive look! I smiled, touched by this small gesture of hers, that so beautifully showed what her intention was….to glorify, to praise, to embellish, to acknowledge, to offer thanks….in such a lovely simple personal attentive way. It was the first time I understood Judaism, and why for example someone will buy an etrog that is especially beautiful, instead of just an etrog….

Knowing that the following day the Dark Moon celebration would be going on, I asked if something is different in the offerings I make? She said yes…they can be made from the young coconut leaves instead of banana leaves. If I go to the market in the morning I can buy them there for a penny. So I woke up at 5 a.m., went out to journal at the sea, and was happy to see the rising moon which was the last sliver of the moon before the "dark moon" (new moon). Suddenly I understood why they call it the dark moon, since that is what I usually see….a big round circle of a moon that is dark! I realized that their focus is on the whole moon, whereas in Judaism it is on the lit part of the moon….interesting. Then as I walked through the coconut grove with the rising sun to the market to look for the coconut leaves, I wondered if this too is a gesture of glorifying, since the coconut trees are the tallest trees and the new young yellow leaves are chosen. And it all made sense why suddenly yesterday afternoon I saw the coconut man again with his tall bamboo ladder climbing up the tree that he had just picked the coconuts from a few days ago…why is he here again?! Aha…in order to cut the young new leaves for the women to buy in the market for the dark moon offerings. And I smiled how they have decided on a hierarchy of nature that reflects the cycle of the moon, in order to glorify their personal gesture of intention as they express their gratitude.

gentle souls

A few years ago the four villages around some waterfalls decided to start a cooperative in order to insure the education of their children, since many of them did not have enough money to pay beyond the government funded elementary school. So, utilizing their unique area where many spices grow, and the beautiful waterfalls, the men became guides and the women "manned" (?!) souvenir shops. So, when I walked out of the car, a 30 year old man speaking excellent English approached me, with the typical Balinese "special" dress of headband and sarong and a shirt saying he was a tour guide. He asked where I am from. I told him "Israel", and half expected the usual confused clarification; "Venezuela?" "No, Israel", "Switzerland?" and then I just give in and say "America", and they are happy. Things are clear. But he surprised me….he too hesitated a moment, and then he gestured with his thumb and forefinger: "Ah, Israel; very small, but…" and then made a big fist with his hand and forearm "…very strong!". And smiled. He had won me over! "How do you know about Israel?" "from the television and also there are books in bali about it." He explained that the guides ask $6 for explaining about the floral and the area and that the money is for their children's schooling. How can you refuse?

He took us down a winding path that began with a souvenir shop and pointed out all the spices that grow in their area: cinnamon, coffee, cocoa, nutmeg, ginger, vanilla, tea, cardamom, and more. At the first shop it was interesting….but what followed were another 30 shops, all with the same products that are sold all over bali. Kind of like what happens at airports and major cities and malls all over the world, all having the exact same shops. so most of the way down to the waterfall was spent politely smiling and not answering the sales pitches of all the women who were busy crocheting large white tablecloths in addition to the standard coconut, wooden, and painted souvenirs. It became more "human" on our way back up when I suddenly felt a need to ask him if his wife also works. He said yes, and pointed to the woman that was standing in the souvenir shop opposite us at that moment! (synchronicity…) and then he explained that the women just work in the shops, and all the profits also go for the childrens communal education fund.

He was very charismatic and I enjoyed asking him all about his life and his parents life and how he got this job. He himself only finished elementary school! But picked up English from the tourists and hopes to save up enough money so that one day he can pay the owner of a hotel some $500 in order to be hired to work there….that's the way it works here. Since there are so many people that want the job, you have to pay them to hire you! His mother takes care of the children while he and his wife work.

He explained the fundamentals of Balinese Hinduism in such a simple yet deep way, as most of them do when asked. "our heart has 2 sides to it; a good and a bad. When I meet you, I feel both sides. I see the side that hates you. I can pray to rise beyond the hatred and then there is room for the good to enter. When we wake up in the morning, we take a moment to thank god and go to work. The women put an offering in the family temple and in front of the house and by the source of our water, and by the fire for cooking, with a little bit of food to say thank you. At lunch time we say thank you again before we eat, and at dusk, the women place an offering made from a banana leaf cup holding flowers and incense. The incense is the element of fire, which attracts God to us. Just like we cannot see the wind, but we can see the trees moving in the wind, and we cannot see the smell of the flowers that we are offering, but we can smell them, so we cannot see god but we can feel Him, so we use the nature to connect with God, and water is sprinkled on the flowers while thanking god for all of the abundance that we receive from nature every day. It is an expression of the 4 elements."

I often meet this kind of gentle, soft spoken side of the Balinese men. The day before I had been trying to pick some banana leaves in order to make little offering cups and I made such a mess out of it, with tearing and strands hanging and unable to cut it and I was sure there must be an easier way. Made' had just cut off a frayed leaf and I asked if he could show me how to cut it without getting all complicated. He took his scythe and with the most delicate movement he made a small cut and smoothly moved it along the backbone of the leaf. Then he made another small cut and easily lifted the leaf up and it split into a nice straight shape for making cups. It was all done in a minimum amount of movements, and each movement was done in a flow. Then in the quietest voice he explained that this is the way I can do it. I was in shock! Again, the bull in the china shop! I thanked him, and wondered what happens to these gentle souls when they meet us westerners that are so "up front" with everything and are not living and breathing the nature all day and learning its ways.

In the morning I had been watching the sunrise and saw a bow legged figure shying towards the fishing boats on shore, but making his way in my direction, and I knew it must be Arie, the wood carver that had wanted to practice English with me before he goes to work at 6:30. I was happy to see him and we began to speak. He told me that his new carving work was in one of the temples now. I wanted to know which one, so I could come watch. He hesitated. I asked him why he doesn't tell me which one it is? "I am shy. You come. And then you speak with me there. And all the other men will laugh at me. I am shy." I had to promise him that if I come, I will pretend that I don't even know him, and that I am just passing by and want to watch them carving, and I won't speak with him at all. So in my "up front" manner I started to ask him where exactly the temple is. To make sure I understood correctly I used my thigh slapping my hand down for "here is the main road, and here is the lion statue…" I quickly realized I needed a more "neutral" base since he would not have touched my skirt to explain, and I took my notebook and again began an exaggerated imaginary drawing on it and placing a large stone to figure out where exactly it is. He waited until I was done, and then he took a moment or two to look around him at the stony shore we were sitting on and he found a little pebble, a thin straight twig, and gently placed them on the notebook, and slowly pointed out with the aid of the pebble and twig where the temple was. Always something humble and simple about them.

I had also been watching some workmen making a stone mosaic entranceway. I love watching craftsmen at work, so I decided to stand there and see how they do it and which one is the artist. What I found instead was that all three men were making the mural. One was placing the white stones, one the orange, and one the black. They worked quietly together, speaking in low voices with minimum amount of words about how to continue the picture, as they worked alongside each other on the same little part. It amazes me to see this communal approach to everything. The mural could have easily been done by one person having 3 different colors of stones that he places wherever he wants. But instead, there is a togetherness, a joint effort, it is never someone being singled out.

While walking home from the market, I saw two basketfuls of mangos that had been picked and were waiting to be sold. They looked so lovely with the bamboo handle connecting them, that I stopped to photograph it. Just then a man came to his motorbike to lift up the 60 kilos worth onto it and drive them to market. When he saw me standing there photographing them, he immediately took 3 out of the basket and handed them to me, smiling. Surprised but grateful, I thanked him, and he too, shyly kept his big smile and glance to the side as I tried to photograph him driving off. Other than my thank you, no words were spoken.

Earlier I had stopped by one of the little shops to try and find a kilo of rice to bring for the wedding present. Not finding it, bought a paintbrush instead. Some of the villagers were sitting by the shop entrance and giggled as I spoke in my broken Indonesian and we all laughed and I said "terimikasi" (goodbye) and they mimicked me, and I remembered that gede' had just taught me the more polite form of saying goodbye, so as I picked up my two big bags filled with big bamboo boxes I had bought, I loudly called back to them: "suksumah!" happy that I remembered how to say it and had an opportunity to impress them with my "polite" Balinese! They all laughed again, and the old woman owner humbly placed her hands together at her chest, bowed her head, and said quietly,"suksumah". And then I realized that it wasn't enough to know the word, it was the attitude and the intention of respect and honor that were being expressed. Aware of my boorishness, I placed the bags back on the ground, and copied her quiet humble "suksumah" blessing and they smiled with approval for my effort. These interactions with them are very touching for me, revealing a more delicate layer to life that I am usually not in touch with.