i had just finished publishing my last blog, and was feeling the sparkle of life, and i opened up an email from my daughter. she only wrote a few sentences, concerning the political situation in israel, and when i lifted up my head, all of reality had suddenly changed. what had been multi-dimensional and glowing and filled with light, was suddenly flat, thick, material; the trees, leaves, sea, air, buildings had lost all of their light airy quality. i tried to shake my head, to get "my" vision back of how i have seen the world until this moment, blinked my eyes, thought i could just push it away and get back to REALITY! but no...
i had to shower and do my round of gratitude since it was now dusk. It is usually a special time of being in a fine flow of wonder for all that i experienced this day, for all of the abundance, nourishment, love, and beauty. but this evening i just went through the motions, searched for some words that would make sense when put one next to the other in my mind, my connection with a Source was gone. i could see what was happening but i couldn't understand it fully.
at night i awoke suddenly and was listening to the noise i heard; planes overhead....ah, yes, that familiar sound whenever there is war in israel, but i am in bali, why are there planes overhead at night? i dozed off only to awaken again a little while later and again heard the noise. as i listened to it i noticed that my huge arched thatch roofed ceiling, which usually fills me with a sense of openness and air and security was no longer there. it had been replaced by 2 wooden walls, and a sense of insecurity, that anyone can enter through the open front sliding doors at any moment. i heard some noises and stayed still in bed, trying to figure out if there is someone in my room or outside. i heard a meow and realized it was just a cat. a few moments later i recognized that the sound that i thought was planes overhead, was actually the same waves, clashing on the shoreline like always.
it was then that the understanding came. i realized that G!D had just allowed me a hands on experience of how sadness, fear, doubt, scarcity, worry, insecurity, all create a view of life that is very material, very temporal, very empty. and that when i am full of gratitude, wonder, joy, love, faith, connection, light, happiness, fun, openness, my reality is totally different....even though i am in the exact same surroundings! how awesome! i am the only one that chooses how i want to live my life!
when i left my room at 5:15 to watch the sunrise, i saw that i felt like it was as if i had never been outside before. i could choose to be afraid and small and closed down, or i could choose to be full and open and joyful. all of reality was just there....in front of me...the sea, the orange sky, the fishermen and their boats, someone making a bonfire with leaves, someone walking on the shore....and i can feel safe and embraced in the wonder of mother nature, or stuck in my contracted mind full of fear and future, and empty.....i remembered that it is also what has happened in the past when i would hear of someone suddenly being killed, or dying....my world would suddenly close down, be almost non existent; stuck in emotions swirling in my head and stomach, having lost touch with the here and now, which is always perfect.
so today the challenge is to "find" my way back.....i choose to stay in the Light. is it possible to feel the sadness or mourning, (since i was just notified that my ex-brother in law just died of a heart attack) and not to close down, not to lost contact with the force of life?,
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