the third stage of life

"Vanaprastha. The third stage comes when one’s children arc settled and can look after themselves. It is time for the middle-aged couple to become vanaprasthas, or those who retire. In modern parlance this means that the time has come for one to detach oneself from worldly desires and attachments and retire to the sylvan peace of contemplation meditation and spiritual pursuits."

this morning when i was watching the sunrise, and again in awe of G!D and the pinks and oranges and light blues and clouds and sea and silhouettes of some men on shore fishing, i thought "this is all i need in life." and i asked myself; why is THIS what you need? where did you imagine this scenario before that it is what you feel so at home at? i remembered how already as a teenager i was a hermann hesse devotee, with his book "Siddhartha" being an important turning point in my life. i have no recollection of the book or story now, but i just remember feeling that it was mine, from some other life.


a few months ago, when i was trying to explain to those around me my desire to live in bali, a friend commented that i "must have an old eastern soul". i know that at university i specialized in art history of the far east. when i moved to israel in the 70's i began to meditate and do yoga. it seemed to be the path as i searched for something that i knew must be there, but didn't know what it was. a few years later i began a long period in which i studied hinduism, reading the sacred texts. i was fascinated by the idea that at a certain point in life, you just leave your family and go off to live a life of contemplation. what?! someone is allowed to just stop working and "reflect on life, in nature"? i wondered what the family does when the adult just goes and does his thing!

and as the days roll by, each full and beautiful here by the sea, following the phases of the moon, and the ebb and flow of the tide, and i will be returning to my family and friends in another week, i remembered the "third stage". i am returning here again for another 4 months after the family visit. i know it is where i am supposed to be and what i am supposed to be doing. after ordering the plane tickets yesterday, for the upcoming trip, i realized that something had changed. a constant small voice of doubt and guilt had vanished. for the past month, every time i tried to order my plane tickets, something would happen just as i was about to press the enter key to submit my credit card details. first a loud voice of doubt came scurrying by saying: are you really sure those are the right dates? it sure seems like a long time! maybe too long, no? and suddenly i had doubts, where there were not doubts a minute before,and then when i would go to press the enter key, either there was no longer an internet connection, or my time had suddenly terminated on the site, or my billing address in israel was not an option, or the fantastic deal i had just found was suddenly no longer available. i am happy to say, that i found it quite humorous. day after day, i searched and tried, with emails to friends, with new ideas of travel companies, etc. etc. and each time, the same thing....the voice of doubt, which was getting quieter and quieter, and some "act of fate", made it impossible to reserve flights. i would be in the throes of 15 tabs of different airline companies open and trying to mix and match all the cheapest flights with the least amount of time to wait, and visas, and i felt like someone on a tight rope doing a juggling act at the same time. and i kept saying to myself; there must be another way. i do not want to have to order tickets like this on the computer. and together with that, i have to do the footwork in order to live my vision. if this is where i need to be at this stage of my life, i need two feet on the ground also, that arrange the practicalities.

gratefully i was able to laugh about it each time, and try again another time. and kept reflecting and wondering what it all means....what is my lesson here? and yesterday, i made another attempt. yes, it too demanded creative solutions and many emails and the internet being a rascal again and again as i needed to reconnect, but something was different this time. there were human beings involved, answering my e-mails about prices and times, and not just a computer form. and a calm had come over me, in which the cheapest flight was no longer top priority, but rather, what would be most peaceful and simple, even if it does cost a few hundred dollars more? what will make this a pleasant experience as i trust that "someone" is pulling the strings of this scenario, and what role am i in?

the voice of doubt was no longer audible. the clarity that this is what i need to be doing at this stage of my life, was simple and true. i could no longer write letters to family and friends hoping for their approval or understanding of me. reality here had filled me up each moment with such clarity and peace. and this morning when i sat out on the stones on the shore, watching the beautiful sea and waves and sky, listening to the lapping of the waves, feeling the nice breeze and pleasant weather, and feeling so "at one" with it all, i remembered that in hinduism there is a stage in life that is meant just for this. a stage in life where i no longer am living and working and using money daily, and having to support my family.

and as i was swimming in the pool, which is my "dreaming time" everyday around noon, floating on my back on the warm water looking at the exotic garden around me and grateful grateful grateful, i suddenly thought; if someone asks me what i did in bali everyday, what am i going to say? that i didn't do anything? that i just sat around, looking out at the sea, meditating, studying kabbalah, doing tai chi on the shore in the morning, hoola hooping at dusk by the waves, journaling, making offerings of gratitude from the banana leaves and flowers and sprinkling water on them as i pray to G!D in gratitude for the people and nourishment to body, mind and soul, drawing mandalas on baskets and stones, teaching english to the balinese staff, jumping on a trampoline at sunset with my earphones as i study indonesian, helping the fishermen push their boats ashore as i walk by collecting the plastic, and just sitting in the little thatch roof platform opposite the sea and detaching myself "from worldly desires and attachments and retire to the sylvan peace of contemplation meditation and spiritual pursuits."

also in my kabbalah studies and in many other paths in life i have come across the "law of attraction" that means that we manifest that which we can see and feel as true. that the greatest attraction force that pulls manifestation into being is the feeling of fulfillment from what we have held in our mind. when i began to realize that i was done being a potter, what i envisioned was just "being". i just wanted to be, by the sea, in a warm place, without money, without a car, home, without responsibilities, without having to work....and here i am.

i am a firm believer that if our heart is singing to do something, then it is the thing to be doing. it doesn't mean that the whole way will be easy, or that anyone else will like it, but it will be what I need to be doing now in life. we can all dream anything that we want!