Saraswati and Purification ceremony

"Aren't there any ceremonies lately?" I asked made.

"Yes, tomorrow is the ceremony for the goddess Saraswati, responsible for knowledge, learning, culture. All of the children go to school at 7 and have a ceremony and pray and then have the day off."

"How long is the ceremony?"

"About three hours…"

Happy to witness a ceremony that I had never been to yet, I planned how I would go to the neighborhood high school and participate. In the afternoon I could hear in the far distance the sweet high singing of children, and imagined them rehearsing for tomorrow.

Having watched a movie at night, I didn't wake up at my usual 5 o'clock, but rather at 5:45, which pushed things back another 45 minutes. What to let go of in order to get there on time? The morning offerings of thanks for our nourishment? Or meditating? Or journaling? Or breakfast?

None of these was an option, since I need them all in order to feel "connected" to myself, so, for maybe the first time in my life, I decided that I would just get there a little later than planned. If my entire life I still keep showing up for things right on time, in Israel and in bali, always sure that this time it really will begin as planned, and it never does….then why not just relax, do what I have to do, and trust that all is perfect.

So, after finishing it all I left for the school by foot, a 10 minute walk….but with a tight sarong on me, with little leeway with my legs to walk in my usual big stride, it took a little longer than usual. When I arrived I saw the big courtyard filled with children dressed in white, seated on the ground in rows. I decided to just "dive in" and walked across the open space in the middle and took a quick glance where to sit. A sweet young boy, smiled and patted the ground next to him, encouraging me to choose that spot. Grateful for his friendliness, I took off my flip flops and flopped myself down next to him.

Just then an older man came up to me, greeted me in silence and showed me a more appropriate spot….near the adults. As I got up to follow him, he motioned to another man from the gamelon band to accompany me. Yes, all the hundreds of kids were watching all of this….the foreigner, showing up for their ceremony. The next man that accompanied me looked familiar, but I didn't know from where. He smiled at me, said that we know each other already and explained in perfect English that the ceremony is already finished but he knows that I know how to pray so I can do it on my own if I want. I thanked him and quickly scanned my surroundings for some flowers and incense sticks (ugh….how could I forget such basics when I left the resort for a ceremony?!). I was used to the fact that everyone shares these necessities with whoever happens to be sitting next to them, and also leave everything just lying on the ground when they are done, so when I saw a little plastic bag next to my leg filled with flowers I was relieved and quickly started to take them out to use. Again, his kind smile, and gentle explanation that he believes these have already been used, so he will bring me new ones (which is the abs's of offerings, since it isn't the actual flowers that are important but rather the intention that is being put through them by each devotee, and these had served their purpose. ) He walked over to the altars where the priests had received many flower offerings from the devotees, and told them he was bringing me one of them to use. Everything goes here….no embarrassment, no stern glances or smirks, just smiles and acceptance of what is.

Where I found an incense stick and matches, I have no idea, maybe laying on the mat, and if so…what a "no no" since the incense and flowers are meant to be treated in a respectful way and are always laid on something first, even a leaf, and not on the ground…oops…After my little impromptu self made ceremony and made up individual blessings to Saraswati, that has enabled us to read and write and learn and grow in order to be closer to fulfilling our life purpose, we continued to chat a bit. He invited me to come to his meditation and yoga center if I wanted to join him. It was then that I suddenly remembered who he was; the yoga teacher that had come to the resort 4 months earlier and took the German woman guest for private classes…he and I had spoken then, while he waited for her. But when the men put on the tied kerchief on their foreheads they always look so regal and different that I couldn't place the face. It again reminded me of the movie "O lucky man" from the 70's, where the same 5 actors kept appearing in different roles in the plot. So now he was the English teacher at the high school.

He explained that the ceremony is over, and now everyone goes home. No three hours of music and singing and ceremony….had I imagined that sweet high sound of children singing praise the day before? We parted and as I walked to the entrance suddenly Mitha showed up, from my adopted family. I was happy she found me and came to say hello, and then I remembered it was her that had told me about this in the first place a few months ago, when we were looking at the yearly calendar and I was wondering what ceremonies would be happening while I was here this time. And suddenly here we were, at the ceremony together, like the blink of an eye.

I returned to the resort, and told the staff that I missed the ceremony because I had arrived late, and that instead of it being 3 hours, it was just 1/2 an hour. They encouraged me by telling me that tomorrow is another ceremony; Purification ceremony. It always follows Saraswati on Sunday. Everyone looks at all of the "ghosts" they have inside of them that are preventing them from being the best person they can be; laziness, anger, greed, jealousy, etc, and brings an offering to the temple next door, and another one opposite to it at the sea, and then dips themselves in the sea which will purify them from all of these traits. Hmm…sounds good to me, especially since I had been sinking into all of my worse character traits for the past couple of months, and was feeling so powerless over them all.

So, having another ceremony to fill my cultural gap tomorrow I went over to sit in a quiet spot and read my e-mails while looking out at sea, and as I did I read one that explained that on this day of recognition to Saraswati, Goddess of reading and writing and culture, there is no reading or writing done. What?! Is touching a keyboard called writing? Is reading e-mails called reading? I can't write a blog? Can people send SMS's today? Can I read a sign in front of a store? Write a receipt? Ooooo. This is not going to be an easy one! What will I do with myself all day? And, being an addict, I just had to read a few more emails before I had the willingness to close down the laptop and try and do a Reading and Writing Fast!

I decided to ask the staff if my conclusions were right….about no reading and writing….Nyoman answered in her usual correct way based on respect and honor for the individual and for the religion and said yes, but that each person chooses how he can observe this day. So, being the saint that I am, I decided to go visit my adopted family, go into the village to get my cell phone Balinesed so I can call my family, and thus pass the day.

When I came to Mithras I asked her about this reading and writing curfew. She patiently listened to me and then elegantly moved over to their simple coconut leaf hut and moved aside the piece of material which acts as their door and motioned inside. I didn't get it. What is she showing me? And then I saw; in between the two beds for the 5 of them, and the positive affirmations of their miracle bamboo hut taped on a big bulletin board, there is a desk, and on the desk was a perfectly straight pile of some 10 notebooks, and on top of them a small flower offering and a cup of water. And? "This is the reason there is no reading or writing. Our notebooks are being blessed today." I love it.

We later went for the sim card for my cell phone (and I read what was written on the packaging). And then I went back to my resort. What else to do today? After verifying all of the details for the tomorrows ceremony; sarong, sash, between four and five a.m. before sunrise, offering made from young coconut leaves, I had a mission! I will prepare the flower offerings….that isn't reading or writing!

At sunset I sat on the beach with a young 12 year old neighbor who helped me make the lovely leaf cut offerings from the yellow coconut leaves. I laughed again and again as she patiently showed me the way to twist the leaf so that it would turn into a lovely flower. And each time that I took a new leaf, I had absolutely no recollection of what she had just shown me a few minutes before and what I had just done 8 times for each flower! And then, as I fumbled around inventing numerous other options that did not work, I would again have to ask her to show me. I could not believe it, how in one minute I had no recollection, and again and again making up such concoctions….I laughed, she laughed, and it was so much fun that she had such patience and gentleness to show me again and again, 10 times, with no sign of irritation or disbelief that I just could not "get it"! What a nice experience of unconditional love.

The following morning I woke up at 3:30 and decided I may as well start "preparing" for this very auspicious day! So I wrote down all of the character traits that I felt were blocking my ability to just be happy and in the present. I was sitting outside in the dark, writing and meditating and praying and preparing for this special opportunity that felt to me like a Yom Kippur day, suddenly appearing out of nowhere. Perfect. Since I had also been on a liver cleansing fast for the past 5 days I felt physically and spiritually and emotionally ready. I would also be going to a week quantum matrix healing seminar tomorrow, so I was grateful for the timing of it all….not crawling on all fours to be saved by a workshop, but did the groundwork and now let's uproot or detach from this once and for all, please.

As I was getting ready for the individual purification rite I could hear people out by the sea already, since it was close to 5 am. I was curious to see the entire village of 11,000 residents, all with the same intention, dipping themselves in the sea with their sarong and sash on after having placed the incense and offerings at shore. But, I decided to stick to my intention of purpose and let go of curiosity and rushing over to the gate to look and see what all the commotion was about….I will be there soon enough too. Patience.

I walked slowly and with intention with my offerings to the gate of the resort and when I exited I was surprised to see mainly kids….tons of kids, walking on the beach, in the water, all playing and laughing. "Stay centered to the temple." Okay. A few minutes later I was standing opposite the sea, placing my offering there, and planning on going into the water to dip myself from head to toe while keeping in mind my intention and character traits that I hoped would soon be cleansed away from me so that I could love myself , without them! "Go in with my flip flops? Leave them on shore? On no! I have a sore on my toe. I don't want to hit it. I will wear them in on the stony sea floor. What if I lose one? They are brand new and I like them. Just go in. Okay." And just as I start to walk into the water for this great cleansing experience, one of the little boys from the group of kids that were giggling and in the water next to me said "hello!" and again and "what is your name?" Oh no, be distracted and answer him out of politeness, or just stay centered with why I am doing all of this just as I dunk my head while reciting all of my traits to be washed away.

Only once I stood up again, I smiled at him and his friends and said "hello!" They giggled, and I had a glance around and realized I was the only adult there. Hundreds of kids sitting on the beach and playing in the water, and me. What?! Where is everybody on this holy of days? What am I doing here?! This is just for the kids! At that moment of self-doubt, my right sandal slid off my foot and quickly floated off in the dark water somewhere.

I needed their help. Please help me find my sandal. My gut response was to start speaking in Hebrew, then English, and then hand motions. I groped around with my foot a bit trying to see if maybe it was near me, but they all giggled as they saw it floating off to my right. One of them caught it and I thanked them and put it on my foot again, against the forces of gravity, and made my way out of the knee deep water we were in.

Weighed down by my soaking wet clothes I made my way over to the resort and dripped through it to my room, where I was told I should now shower and wear my regular clothes. By the time I went out again, the sun was rising and the laughter and beauty of the dark sea and all of the children so happy and playful was lovely. So…just a kind of fun Sunday morning of kids in the sea at sunrise. Nice. I soon noticed mitha and her sister sitting on shore and went over to them. They had not dunked….she said she was too cold to. I think it was part of being popular or not, as she sat on the side, while all the other kids were in groups having fun. Apparently cleansing away their obstacles for learning, on this auspicious day, is not taken as seriously as I had.

We parted after I gave them another hoola hoop to take home. As the sun rose and I was back in the compound of the resort, I saw the owner was sitting there and asked me if I am okay. He said he felt that since I had arrived a week ago, something had changed. What was the matter? I sat down and knew he was right, and perceptive, but how to explain it. I myself had no idea why all of this heaviness had surfaced. As we spoke, more and more incidents came to my mind, all related to the character traits I had just surrendered. I explained to him how difficult it is to live with myself when these traits come up, and that I just did a ceremony hopefully washing them away….and that none of this has to do with any of the 17 Germans that are there with me. This is my baggage, just being played out with them as the backdrop and the ones pushing my buttons. All perfectly timed. It was good to clear the air. I was grateful,

As the sun began to shine its morning light on the sea and beautiful trees and plants in the garden I noticed that the light was different! Everything was shimmering, sparkling. I asked myself, how could this be? It isn't the first day the sun is shining here…it has been sunny all week…what is different?? I just kept observing it, marveling at it, and feeling the lightness of being. It was also after 6 days of fasting, but it also felt that my eyes had been cleared of the dimmer that had covered them over the past days, partly from the difficulty of managing with a smashed right thumbnail that was healing, and a stubbed big right toe that had sucked my life force from me and left me feeling very low.

Later in the day I was thinking about what had happened in the morning….with the kids laughing and playing at sea, and how serious I had been with my intention….and how that little kid just kept saying "Hello" at just the peek moment of dunking myself, and I realized that he was my "teacher" at that moment….telling me to wake up, let go, enjoy, have fun, giggle, connect, just be….nice.

start-up

While walking on the small road that leads from the sea to the main road, I had to chuckle inside me when I saw a man coming opposite me with five big, green, plastic washing tubs turned upside down on his head. It was an interesting version of the children's story I had loved of the peddler who sold hats, which sat one on top of the over on his head, as he walked from village to village (and when he stopped to rest under a tree, and placed the pile of hats on the ground, the monkeys came and had a good trick on him….). As he approached he banged another two that were in his hands, against each other in order to advertise his wares. He smiled at me from beneath the tubs when he saw me impressed with his each other and as he passed I saw he had another two stung across his back. Nine tubs for sale….how ingenious, how simple.

I continued on my way, reflecting on the originality, wondering whether anyone would buy today. After participating in a small ceremony I again returned on the same path, and met the young entrepreneur in the middle of a business transaction and decided to take out my camera and catch him in action. Again his big smile, pride, and kindness showed thru. I was happy to know that he had made a sale!

When I reached my resort, I found 2 of his wares on the grass by the kitchen….another sale! I asked the girls how much it costs….in the shops they are $4 each, but the tough chef was able to buy 2 from him for $5. So in the hour that had gone by, he had sold 3 tubs, making a profit of about $1.5 ….not bad!

While I was meditating this morning, his smiling face appeared, and I was suddenly observing my serious effort of meditating and praying for joy, laughter, happiness, simplicity….and this young man wakes up in the morning, gets dressed, prays, and puts his pile of tubs on top of his head, ties 2 more on his back and walks up and down the streets, happily selling his wares, having taken responsibility for earning some money for today. Enlightenment!

parallel realities

i read a book by ilona selke called "Love, Dolphins and Destiny" and was impressed by her experiments in creating a new reality when faced with difficult situations. she shared about several experiences with airplane flights that were quite amazing. i was curious to try it, but did not really want to be put in a stressful situation of being at an airport with a problem with my flight. and then suddenly i found myself in an unexpected situation; i was accompanying my mom (almost 85 years old) on a flight to the usa for 2 weeks so that she could visit old friends and family and be independent to drive around with a rented car and me at the wheel, without having to be concerned about forgetfulness, carrying the luggage, and driving on her own.

preparations for the trip were all done in plenty of time beforehand; bags packed, flights reserved, etc. we leisurely left for the airport being driven by family and were dropped off at the departure entrance. as we entered the airport and began to stand in line for the first security check, i realized that leaving israel with only my american passport, does not seem sensible....and my israeli one was safely placed with my papers that i would be taking to bali, 3 weeks later, back home. i had purposely emptied out my purse of anything superfluous, basking in the joy of minimal possessions and needs....but forgetting that i am an israeli citizen and may need that passport too, and not just the prestigious american one that allows me to fly back "home" without the need of a visa.

the security man did not know the rules when i asked him if i would be able to fly with just my american one, and i decided to stay calm and optimistic and possibly talk my way out of it at the ticket counter. i could not imagine what i would do if i did need the israeli one! when i began to think, as we waited in line, i tried calling my daughter to see if her friends were still at home and could bring the passport with them and drop it off on their way, but she said they had already left....okay...stay cool....it will all work out fine. i can call my ex, but the minutes are ticking by and the trip takes 90 minutes minimum....stay cool. think positive, let go and let G!D...they will understand and it will all work out.

our turn. my mom walks up to the counter first, and checks in, i begin to also, and mention that i only have the american passport with me, i am sent to the manager a few desks down, who is firm and dry and says: you cannot fly. only if you have your israeli passport. okay....i can try and call my ex now....it will take 90 minutes. the other manager smiles and says he will not allow me to enter the gate any later than 9:55 when he closes them. period. okay....it is now 8:20....i tell them i will call and he will bring it to me, hopefully within the time frame. the manager smiles and says: where do you live ? 90 minutes from here? and now the roads are full because of the holiday traffic, it won't work. i say i want to try.

i called my ex, walked him through my moms house until he found the passport exactly where i had carefully placed it, and i said "now please drive as fast as you can so that i can have it before they close the gate!" i hung up the phone, looked at the clock, knew that i had just driven that road a few minutes ago and was aware how as the 90 minutes had passed the road became more and more crowded with the holiday travellers, and could not imagine how this was going to work out.


meanwhile my mom is having to cope with mixed emotions, how her supposedly responsible 59 year old daughter and world traveller, who had tons of time to organize her things for this trip, did not take her israeli passport!! and now how am i supposed to accompany her?! i asked her if she wants to forget about traveling and we will just go home or if she wants to fly alone? she thought for a moment, and then said that she will fly alone. she did not look like a happy camper....and i couldn't blame her. we said goodbye, and she looked at me with eyes filled with fear, anger and confusion and said " i expect to see you in the seat next to me on the plane!" and off she went in the wheelchair to go through the rest of the flight procedures, on her own.

i stood opposite the managers desk and tried to think what my options were. what would be the fastest and easiest way to meet my ex? the airport is new and huge and with so many levels and parking areas and entrances, how was this going to work when every minute is critical? i called him up again to change our point of meeting and he proudly told me that he is finally on his way, having had to first find his car by my daughter, and then fill it up with gas, and now he is on his way. i hung up, in shock. 20 minutes of the sacred 90 had already passed, and only NOW he was on his way?! what am i going to do? i thought of possibly chumming up with the managers, making small talk, and hopefully in 90 minutes we would feel like family and they wouldn't stand on principal and would let me through the gate even if it was late....but that felt a bit manipulative and not "clean" since my friendliness was for selfish reasons....then came the idea, to try and experiment with meditating on a parallel universe and finding the ticket counter and stewardess smiling and giving us our seating arrangements without any problem.

i sat down on the floor, closed my eyes, and got in touch with my crown chakra and third eye and breathed....i was surprised to see how anxious i was, my heart beating fast, and much movement in all directions inside of me. and so i just breathed and said the serenity prayer for about an hour. along with that i "pulled" my thoughts back to me on the plane, each time that i heard or saw the evil inclination trying to tempt me into believing in scarcity and failure. i saw in my minds eye how the stewardess was welcoming me on board, instead of how my ex was stuck in traffic jams. every now and then i tried to open my eyes and come back to reality, but it was too chaotic and disconcerting, so remaining with my eyes closed, praying, and staying in a different "space" where everything is going along right on time, peacefully and simply, was the path i chose.

i remembered that when ilona wrote about it, she and her partner were both meditating together as they entered a parallel reality where their flights could land or leave on time or connect. i hoped my mom was also busy staying positive and trusting, and not being a victim and angry. i was sure in my heart, that whatever was meant to be would be, that if my mother was supposed to do this trip on her own, than i will not get the passport on time, or if for some reason i am not supposed to be travelling to the usa, then it will not happen. i had shared with my loving higher power that if we are meant to travel together, and that this trip is something he wants for us, then i will do my best now to envision it and be an active partner in making it happen.

with only 20 minutes left until the gate closed, i decided to go outside and wait for my ex. first i did a dry run of the escalator versus the elevator to see which way would be faster to rush down to the ticket desk as soon as i had the passport. next i went out and waited along the road, again choosing to stay with eyes closed, envisioning his safe arrival.

i must admit that there were a few fears; one that G!D forbid, something would happen to him since he had to drive so fast for my sake, and secondly, that even though i have known him for 36 years, and have been disappointed by my expectations of him, that were never realized, i still chose him, of all people, to bring my passport, him, with his slow and thorough way of doing things, regardless of how much time there was to do them in.....so why did i choose him! and with his car that is 20 years old! how did i expect him to speed with it? but as those thoughts crossed my mind, i just envisioned the opposite, and let them go. there was not room for both those thoughts, and preferred to focus on the positive ones. i was grateful i did not have a watch, so i was not looking at it all the time. just taking in the dark sky and cool air and trusting.

a few minutes later the phone rang, and i "walked" him through the kilometer of entrance turns and signs and suddenly saw him drive up. ecstatic to see him and grateful for the miracle, he himself was surprised that his car still had it in it to drive so fast! i grabbed my passport, thanked him profusely and ran. when i got to the ticket counter i saw that it was only 9:40! not only had he arrived on time, but with 15 minutes to spare i had so much adrenalin in me that i just ran through the airport from check point to check point until i found my mom sitting at the entrance to the gate, waving calmly to me as i came into site. we were both grateful to be in this other reality, where everything worked out and we were going to spend the 2 weeks together in the usa as planned. i excitedly told her that i know why this all happened....so that i could experiment in real time with the discovery of a parallel reality. and i thanked my loving higher power for allowing me this lesson.!

i had tried it out a few weeks prior to this, when i left bali this last time. i had assumed i knew the time of my flight and ordered the cab. only at 4 a.m. as i made sure i had all of my tickets and passports, did i double check and saw that i was mistaken and the flight left an hour earlier! and that the gates close an hour before that! i had just lost 2 hours of time, and the drive itself was 4 hours!...what to do? i waited until the guard had awoken and asked him to please call the cab driver and tell him that i need him to come as soon as possible since the flight leaves an hour earlier. he called him, and spoke in balinese to him. when he hung up with him he assured me that he is already on his way (90 minute ride from his house to me) good...but in the end he showed up as planned, and i could not figure out how we were going to get there in 3 hours instead of 4. i noticed he was very calm and i told him i am very nervous...how can we get there by 10 a.m.? he said that i had told him 11, and i said that the guard had called him to tell him i made a mistake. it was only then that i realized that in typical balinese style the guard chose not to tell him about the time difference, since he had already left his house, and was on his way and it would only cause him distress and to lost face if he did not arrive earlier, so he chose to just say good morning and not demand of him to drive much faster.

my driver assured me that we would get there on time. i chose to sit and pray. when i opened my eyes i saw that in spite of the fact that we had been driving at normal speed around and up the winding road, we were already at ubud in so short a time. and i asked him how long the ride is from here; 2 hours. i noticed he had a clock in the car and saw it said 8:30 so, if everything went well, we would get there just on time. i continued to close my eyes and pray, envisioning a safe arrival and trip. when i opened my eyes again, we were already at the entrance to the airport...the clock said 9:20....i looked at him, he smiled. how could a 2 hour trip take 50 minutes? he smiled. i thanked this parallel reality and my lovely cab driver and ilona, for sharing this option in life in her books.

reality is a choice

i had just finished publishing my last blog, and was feeling the sparkle of life, and i opened up an email from my daughter. she only wrote a few sentences, concerning the political situation in israel, and when i lifted up my head, all of reality had suddenly changed. what had been multi-dimensional and glowing and filled with light, was suddenly flat, thick, material; the trees, leaves, sea, air, buildings had lost all of their light airy quality. i tried to shake my head, to get "my" vision back of how i have seen the world until this moment, blinked my eyes, thought i could just push it away and get back to REALITY! but no...

i had to shower and do my round of gratitude since it was now dusk. It is usually a special time of being in a fine flow of wonder for all that i experienced this day, for all of the abundance, nourishment, love, and beauty. but this evening i just went through the motions, searched for some words that would make sense when put one next to the other in my mind, my connection with a Source was gone. i could see what was happening but i couldn't understand it fully.

at night i awoke suddenly and was listening to the noise i heard; planes overhead....ah, yes, that familiar sound whenever there is war in israel, but i am in bali, why are there planes overhead at night? i dozed off only to awaken again a little while later and again heard the noise. as i listened to it i noticed that my huge arched thatch roofed ceiling, which usually fills me with a sense of openness and air and security was no longer there. it had been replaced by 2 wooden walls, and a sense of insecurity, that anyone can enter through the open front sliding doors at any moment. i heard some noises and stayed still in bed, trying to figure out if there is someone in my room or outside. i heard a meow and realized it was just a cat. a few moments later i recognized that the sound that i thought was planes overhead, was actually the same waves, clashing on the shoreline like always.

it was then that the understanding came. i realized that G!D had just allowed me a hands on experience of how sadness, fear, doubt, scarcity, worry, insecurity, all create a view of life that is very material, very temporal, very empty. and that when i am full of gratitude, wonder, joy, love, faith, connection, light, happiness, fun, openness, my reality is totally different....even though i am in the exact same surroundings! how awesome! i am the only one that chooses how i want to live my life!

when i left my room at 5:15 to watch the sunrise, i saw that i felt like it was as if i had never been outside before. i could choose to be afraid and small and closed down, or i could choose to be full and open and joyful. all of reality was just there....in front of me...the sea, the orange sky, the fishermen and their boats, someone making a bonfire with leaves, someone walking on the shore....and i can feel safe and embraced in the wonder of mother nature, or stuck in my contracted mind full of fear and future, and empty.....i remembered that it is also what has happened in the past when i would hear of someone suddenly being killed, or dying....my world would suddenly close down, be almost non existent; stuck in emotions swirling in my head and stomach, having lost touch with the here and now, which is always perfect.

so today the challenge is to "find" my way back.....i choose to stay in the Light. is it possible to feel the sadness or mourning, (since i was just notified that my ex-brother in law just died of a heart attack) and not to close down, not to lost contact with the force of life?,

the third stage of life

"Vanaprastha. The third stage comes when one’s children arc settled and can look after themselves. It is time for the middle-aged couple to become vanaprasthas, or those who retire. In modern parlance this means that the time has come for one to detach oneself from worldly desires and attachments and retire to the sylvan peace of contemplation meditation and spiritual pursuits."

this morning when i was watching the sunrise, and again in awe of G!D and the pinks and oranges and light blues and clouds and sea and silhouettes of some men on shore fishing, i thought "this is all i need in life." and i asked myself; why is THIS what you need? where did you imagine this scenario before that it is what you feel so at home at? i remembered how already as a teenager i was a hermann hesse devotee, with his book "Siddhartha" being an important turning point in my life. i have no recollection of the book or story now, but i just remember feeling that it was mine, from some other life.


a few months ago, when i was trying to explain to those around me my desire to live in bali, a friend commented that i "must have an old eastern soul". i know that at university i specialized in art history of the far east. when i moved to israel in the 70's i began to meditate and do yoga. it seemed to be the path as i searched for something that i knew must be there, but didn't know what it was. a few years later i began a long period in which i studied hinduism, reading the sacred texts. i was fascinated by the idea that at a certain point in life, you just leave your family and go off to live a life of contemplation. what?! someone is allowed to just stop working and "reflect on life, in nature"? i wondered what the family does when the adult just goes and does his thing!

and as the days roll by, each full and beautiful here by the sea, following the phases of the moon, and the ebb and flow of the tide, and i will be returning to my family and friends in another week, i remembered the "third stage". i am returning here again for another 4 months after the family visit. i know it is where i am supposed to be and what i am supposed to be doing. after ordering the plane tickets yesterday, for the upcoming trip, i realized that something had changed. a constant small voice of doubt and guilt had vanished. for the past month, every time i tried to order my plane tickets, something would happen just as i was about to press the enter key to submit my credit card details. first a loud voice of doubt came scurrying by saying: are you really sure those are the right dates? it sure seems like a long time! maybe too long, no? and suddenly i had doubts, where there were not doubts a minute before,and then when i would go to press the enter key, either there was no longer an internet connection, or my time had suddenly terminated on the site, or my billing address in israel was not an option, or the fantastic deal i had just found was suddenly no longer available. i am happy to say, that i found it quite humorous. day after day, i searched and tried, with emails to friends, with new ideas of travel companies, etc. etc. and each time, the same thing....the voice of doubt, which was getting quieter and quieter, and some "act of fate", made it impossible to reserve flights. i would be in the throes of 15 tabs of different airline companies open and trying to mix and match all the cheapest flights with the least amount of time to wait, and visas, and i felt like someone on a tight rope doing a juggling act at the same time. and i kept saying to myself; there must be another way. i do not want to have to order tickets like this on the computer. and together with that, i have to do the footwork in order to live my vision. if this is where i need to be at this stage of my life, i need two feet on the ground also, that arrange the practicalities.

gratefully i was able to laugh about it each time, and try again another time. and kept reflecting and wondering what it all means....what is my lesson here? and yesterday, i made another attempt. yes, it too demanded creative solutions and many emails and the internet being a rascal again and again as i needed to reconnect, but something was different this time. there were human beings involved, answering my e-mails about prices and times, and not just a computer form. and a calm had come over me, in which the cheapest flight was no longer top priority, but rather, what would be most peaceful and simple, even if it does cost a few hundred dollars more? what will make this a pleasant experience as i trust that "someone" is pulling the strings of this scenario, and what role am i in?

the voice of doubt was no longer audible. the clarity that this is what i need to be doing at this stage of my life, was simple and true. i could no longer write letters to family and friends hoping for their approval or understanding of me. reality here had filled me up each moment with such clarity and peace. and this morning when i sat out on the stones on the shore, watching the beautiful sea and waves and sky, listening to the lapping of the waves, feeling the nice breeze and pleasant weather, and feeling so "at one" with it all, i remembered that in hinduism there is a stage in life that is meant just for this. a stage in life where i no longer am living and working and using money daily, and having to support my family.

and as i was swimming in the pool, which is my "dreaming time" everyday around noon, floating on my back on the warm water looking at the exotic garden around me and grateful grateful grateful, i suddenly thought; if someone asks me what i did in bali everyday, what am i going to say? that i didn't do anything? that i just sat around, looking out at the sea, meditating, studying kabbalah, doing tai chi on the shore in the morning, hoola hooping at dusk by the waves, journaling, making offerings of gratitude from the banana leaves and flowers and sprinkling water on them as i pray to G!D in gratitude for the people and nourishment to body, mind and soul, drawing mandalas on baskets and stones, teaching english to the balinese staff, jumping on a trampoline at sunset with my earphones as i study indonesian, helping the fishermen push their boats ashore as i walk by collecting the plastic, and just sitting in the little thatch roof platform opposite the sea and detaching myself "from worldly desires and attachments and retire to the sylvan peace of contemplation meditation and spiritual pursuits."

also in my kabbalah studies and in many other paths in life i have come across the "law of attraction" that means that we manifest that which we can see and feel as true. that the greatest attraction force that pulls manifestation into being is the feeling of fulfillment from what we have held in our mind. when i began to realize that i was done being a potter, what i envisioned was just "being". i just wanted to be, by the sea, in a warm place, without money, without a car, home, without responsibilities, without having to work....and here i am.

i am a firm believer that if our heart is singing to do something, then it is the thing to be doing. it doesn't mean that the whole way will be easy, or that anyone else will like it, but it will be what I need to be doing now in life. we can all dream anything that we want!

sound

a priest, a man and his wife and 2 young sons had just walked past the resort on their way to the temple next door. i realized that soon i would be hearing the chanting and ringing of the priests bell as the ceremony began. so while i was exercising on my porch, the ringing of the bell by the priest, began. it was so lovely. i regretted that i hadn't planned my morning more in sync with the sounds, so that i could have been meditating at the same time that he was ringing his bell, and feel what it feels like "inside" when it rings. but, the ringing only lasts for 10 minutes or so, so i knew i lost my chance. i continued on with my tai chi by the sea, and again heard the bell ringing. hmm...this is a special ceremony, ringing the bell twice. as i did the tai chi it was easier to "listen" and what surprised me was that it was as if a "universal" tone. it fit in perfect with the sound of the waves and the peace within me. i tired to figure it out. what note was it? how could it be such a perfect sound, uniting nature. the ringing went on and on and i could feel how the same ringing tone, from every bell of every priest here in bali, is putting out a specific vibration into the air. just like when the ice cream truck goes around and it creates a certain response in those who hear that same sound every summer, from every "good humor" ice cream truck in detroit. and it even surprises me to realize what the name of that ice cream truck was!? Good humor! maybe that is why i am addicted to ice cream?! it was always related to "being in a good humor! and maybe that is why i am addicted to hearing these priests ringing their bells here in bali....because the vibration vibrates at a specific vibration that is like the ice cream truck....something that i love and want more and more of, that brings me a nice feeling inside, that makes me feel connected to something much greater than my own small world. is it the note "C" in the middle of the keyboard of a piano? why is "C" the middle? the ringing continued on and on even while i went to meditate, and i saw how perfect it felt. all was ONE. nothing airy fairy, just ONE.

the following morning, the accapello voice of one of the chanters rang through the air at 5 a.m. as usual. it was one of my favorite melodies. it reminded me of a sean o"connor song. i saw how lovely it is to wake up to this....rather than to an alarm clock (not that i use one) and what a way to start your day!

i also realized how the constant sound of the waves crashing on the shore, was very soothing to me. i always sit close enough to the sea so i can hear it as my background music. it even made me laugh once when someone offered to give me a reflexology treatment, and asked me to arrange some nice background music so that i would be relaxed. being the obedient person that i always am, i found something on my laptop and put the speakers up, as he began the treatment outside by the pool....only to find that why in the world would i want some "canned" music, when the wind, birds, and sea are surrounding me?! everyone else would be recording exactly my surroundings in order to use as background music for people in a room getting a reflexology treatment! i didn't need some recorded music to relax....i am here on purpose...so that my background music in life is nature, and not the sounds of machines, or cars, or televisions, or recorded music. it is this live, real sound of people and life and live instruments that touches my heart. it is the quiet conversing between people, laughter, chickens, pigs, bells, singing, that fill the air and leave their mark on me.

i read an article the other day about "boxes" by rabbi nathan segal. (www.nathan.net) and i suddenly found a kindred soul that put down in words what i felt, but didn't understand why. he said that we go around in boxes all day; our car, school, house, workplace, even synagogue! and i realized that here in bali, i live outdoors from 5 a.m. until 8 p.m....no "boxes", no walls, no doors, no windows....just out in nature, hearing the sounds of nature, and life. the temple is just a courtyard....there is no building to go in to. and there is a feeling of unity, of connectedness because of the sounds that are in the air all the time....the gamelons that are playing now are ringing out from the deceaseds' house and everyone knows it as they hear it ringing in the air from a distance. sound....

out at sea

one of the guests wanted to go out in a boat to see dolphins and i decided to join him. the fisherman met us at 5 a.m. and got on board....which means, a boat which is as wide as a large tree trunk that has been hollowed out, has a little piece of wood laid across its' width and that is the seat. i was in the middle, next to the motor with our smiling balinese fisherman at the back and the austrian man a few inches from me, at the front end. i understood now how the balinese can make fishing boats from tree trunks...because they themselves are usually thin and tall, so no problem. i, on the other hand, felt squeezed into a chair that was way too narrow for my feminine pelvic bones and was scrunched like that for our 3 hour ride. a good reminder to lose some weight.

the fisherman started the motor a few minutes after we had passed the coral reef near the shore, and what followed was an hour and a half of exhaust fumes being blown into my mouth and nose since the wind was going in that direction and i was next to the motor. the sea was very still, which i was grateful for, since the day before it had left the dolphin seeking guests nauseous because of the big waves. i had always wanted to go out to sea, and not just to the right or left, and here we were, going straight out to what until now seemed like fairy land.

the sky was still dark and the friction from the bamboo side poles hitting the sea so fast caused a kind of visual electric effect so that the water was lit up like with white fireflies all the time! i tried to focus on things other than the sensation of burning in my clean lungs and throat from the gasoline fumes, thinking i could control my mind beyond this matter. eventually we were watching the sunrise too. but after an hour and a half out at sea with the noise and fumes i was beginning to think that this dolphin boat ride should be marketed a little differently, and should just be called a sunrise boat trip, so as not to disappoint the participants since there really aren't any dolphins around.

just as i finished sharing that with the austrian the fisherman gave a little yell and we looked to where he was pointing and recognized some fins that were slightly different than the waves that they resembled! yeah! dolphins! the next hour was filled with us looking out 360 degree for any more signs of dolphins. each time one of us would point and say "there!" and i would yell out with glee like a little kid, as i saw the pods of dolphins swimming so beautifully along with the waves, allowing us just to see their tails or fins or sides, but not their face, and then after flowing in and out like that for a few minutes they would again dive down and leave us again searching for signs of another group somewhere. i even got to see one of the little ones do a twist in the air. and it was lovely seeing how many of them were together each time, in totally different areas out at sea. and just realizing that there were tens if not hundreds of them, romping around. it was lots of fun, and a welcome reprieve allowing me to forget about the fumes and focus on the playful dolphins. as we headed back to shore, the wind was in my favor and i could just enjoy the view of the north coast of bali from a distance, and also the gratitude for having been around all of those dolphins out at sea.

another aspiration of mine was to see how the fishermen really fish for fish. i love seeing how people "do " things. so the following day i was out early collecting plastic from the beach, and i saw a friendly fisherman starting to push his boat, alone, over the rocky shore, out to sea. i offered my help, and he accepted. together we quickly and easily moved it. he then hand motioned me if i want to go out fishing with him, YES! my answers are always yes. i never think. first i say yes. in his broken english, and my broken indonesian we managed to understand each other. he was going out for 4 hours. Yes! but suddenly i remembered that i needed to first put the morning offerings in place showing my gratitude for the abundance of everything we have been given this morning, (their way of prayer before eating) so i told him to wait 5 minutes. i ran back, quickly changed into temple clothes, got the little bits of bread placed on the already cut squares of banana leaves on the tray, and quickly did my "rounds" of gratitude, ran back to my room, changed clothes again, and ran over to his boat, grateful that the balinese call time "rubber" since you can stretch it....which i had just done, with my "5 minute" request. i thought, at most, he won't be there. so what. but he was, and i jumped onto my little seat again and he pushed us out and jumped onto his.

this fisherman was a little chubbier and i noticed that he didn't (and couldn't) sit on the seat, so he just sat cross legged on the sides of the boat allowing him to stay easy going and not confined. i had seen him face to face the day before, as he drove off on his motorbike and said"goodbye" in english as he passed me on the shore. and now that we were in the boat together i realized that this was the fisherman i would see every morning from my sunrise spot on the rocks at shore, as he would push his boat out alone some 50 meters from me. and each time i would think "ah, i should ask him one day if i can go out with him, since he is alone", and usually there isn't room for a guest when they are 2 fishermen. so here was my wish being fulfilled.

as i looked at him i thought that he looked alot like the fisherman that has his boat right in front of the resort, and i asked him if his brother is a fisherman too? yep...right in front of the resort. but this man was much nicer and spoke some english and had a very happy cheerful attitude to life, so i was glad to be with him. he apologized for having to turn on the motor, once we passed the coral reef, and i thought "oh no, again!" but luckily the wind was blowing in a different direction and i could just enjoy the ride. he had painted this old motor pink, which made me giggle; a pink motor! and out we went.

after a while he turned off the motor and started to get his bait ready. his fishing rod; a spool of fishing line, with 5 ends to it, each with a hook and bait! clever! if you are already throwing a weighted line out to sea, why not give yourself more chances?! he had brought some small squids as bait and looped them onto the hook, three times, for safe keeping. he sunk his line and held it resting on his index finger in order to "feel" if the fish are biting and thus quickly bring it up. we were out to fish red snappers. he had caught 2 big ones the day before here, and so he was trying his luck again.

now and then we spoke; english, indonesian....and also were just quiet. he pointed to the landscape of mountains which are the backdrop to the northern coast, and he said that the small mountain behind his village of tejekula is "little pyramid!" suddenly i looked at the layers of mountains in different eyes, and could see how he would call it a little pyramid. but it made me smile to think how this simple villager that has never left this island, and maybe not even the village, would think about pyramids! but i decided he was right, and maybe that is the specialness that hovers around this village!

after about 15 minutes at this spot at sea, he raised the line, and found the bait still on the hooks, but someone had eaten the fishes head. he laughed. then said " no strike". which made me laugh. how in the world did they decide that that was the word to use if you caught a fish?! they certainly don't have either bowling nor baseball here! again the motor went on and he chose to sail over to where another fishing boat was nearby. "we go to my friends". i was surprised that the friends didn't mind competition for the fish. but just laughed and asked each other if they had a strike or not. at one point we suddenly saw alot of jumping about at sea, and he said "tuna". and a big circle of fish were making lots of waves as they caught small fish at the top layer of the sea. i asked him why we are not running over to try and catch some. he smiled and said, "no have for tuna, only for snapper", meaning, you need a strong fishing rod to catch a tuna, and all he had were his 5 hooks on his reel of fishing line.

that is how the next hour went, moving from place to place to wherever his friends went or recommended, since he kept bringing up the line and either finding it with all the bait on it and said " fish sleeping. ha ha ha" or bringing up the line and no bait on it and saying "little fish eat! ha ha ha" (and since they were little there was no tug on his finger letting him know that there were fish eating the bait). the day before i had visited a german couple that have a villa on the sea only a 10 minute walk from me, and they said that at breakfast they had seen dolphins in front of their house, and also the water fountain of a whale. so while we sat there, watching the sun rise, and the ripples on the sea change with the wind, i kept my eyes open for any dolphins or whales. the general mood was one of relaxation and happiness. life is good, yesterday his wife grilled the fish, today they will eat rice. when i asked if his wife works, he said that she has a stand in the morning market selling rice (little hand wrapped bags of 1/2 kilo of rice which can give them a few $ to live on.)

we returned towards shore, as we both bent down watching the coral reef to see if there were any fish there...."sleeping, ha ha ha". i wondered why he was only paddling and without the motor, and he said " no friends". and i realized that when they decide to return to shore, it is a good idea to have some friends there, to help you bring in the boat and carry it up the slope of stones to place it far enough from the shore so that the tide will not take it out again, before you do. it was then that i understood how important their friendships are, how they need each other, and do things together, and have their fishing cooperative, and can sit and laugh out at sea together at sunrise, or mend their nets together, or carry out or in the boat together, which is probably why they go in pairs, and also to save on fuel, or tell each other where a good spot is. he paddled the boat to shore and together we pushed it a little, but out of nowhere, a "friend" appeared. he was a man that never looks or smiles at me. i was happy to see that at least he is friendly with this fisherman. and then i watched as the two of them carried the boat ashore. that is a good friend; with strong muscles! when i passed his little banana shack, the door was open and i saw that it was slightly bigger than the old wooden frame bed that was inside, with a board, no mattress, and 2 small plastic sacks filled with something, as pillows...the simple life of the fishermen.