too much abundance

One of the "lessons" I am trying to learn here in bali is to recognize and accept the trio of creation-abundance-transformation (Brahma-Vishnu-Shiva). You could also call it Beginning-middle-end. Endings sound so cold and painful and final that I prefer the word transformation. And the truth is that I much prefer to just stay in abundance and not have to deal with transformation at all. And I think this has been my world view until now. I was sure that if I just try hard enough the abundance will continue on forever and I won't have to go through any loss or pain or sorrow or endings. All there will be is tons and tons of light and goodness and beauty. Or so I thought.

And then I find myself everyday observing how the creation-abundance-transformation are intertwined and constantly in a process. There cannot be one without the others. Period. This might possibly be the reason why the Balinese seem so easy going and happy. They know that everything is changing and there is nothing to hold on to. The trio is inevitable and also equal in value. There is nothing better in creation than in transformation. So a building is built, and lived in, and torn down. And the flower offering is created, and used, and then rots away on the sidewalk. We are born, we live, we die. And then we are born again, and live again and die again….

So…each time I pray, I ask to be able to see and accept this trio in all of its' manifestations. And hopefully to let go of my need to just stay in the Light of abundance thinking it is the only good and safe place. Transformation is just as magnificent, and may include some pain, but who cares? And each time that I experience a new understanding of this trio I am so grateful and in awe at the wholeness and necessity of it all and the miracle that this is how the world is, I am willing to go through it all again, just to discover another layer of this amazing reality called life. And I thank god for the lesson and promise that I am willing to go through all the pain and confusion and loneliness again since the process is such a gift.

With that said, whenever I am feeling lonely or confused or in pain, I try and remind myself that I have invited this on myself, and if I can just see what the lesson is that I am being taught, and accept that it's a "package deal", than I can continue breathing, trust the process and be patient. Together with that wise place of awareness, I myself feel quite tiny and lost and overwhelmed when it is actually happening again and again and again. The last time I went through it was a few days ago. I found myself feeling like a victim, betrayed, and a loser with the kids. I had been buying lots of sketch books for all of them so that we could paint and draw (instead of watching television or fighting). The books only cost 30 cents each. And since there were numerous cousins joining in, I bought a large quantity so that each one could have their own sketch book. Going into the city to buy them was not an everyday activity, so I started to buy 15-20 at a time and keep them in a bag and when one of the kids finished their sketch book and wanted a new one, they just asked me for one, and the abundant bag of sketch books would come out and they would joyfully pick out one by the sweet cartoon drawings on the covers.

What started off as a wonderful creative activity soon turned into a hell for me. Instead of enjoying drawing and painting they were now busy having a race who could finish their sketch book faster and get a new one. I wondered where I had gone wrong? My anger and disappointment in them was misdirected. I knew they are just kids, and if I am having a hard time accepting reality, then I have to look at my part in all of this. How could I let go of controlling the new sketch book allocation or make some rules that would be respected? How come a gesture of love from my part had turned sour? What don't I understand here about children and borders and the material world?

When I shared this with a friend, his response was that possibly too much love kills love. I thought about that. Could it be true? Could my theory of never ending abundance be wrong? Does it really backfire? I started to look at things here. How there is no pantry, no big shopping trip. They are living in the present. When you need eggs, you buy eggs. When you need soap, you buy soap. And when you have used up the eggs or the soap, you can go and buy more and not have a stock in the storage room so that you are never lacking anything. This was so different than my western habit of consuming. I always bought at least two of everything (so there would always be abundance). But here, if the kids saw eggs, they wanted to make pancakes. If there were no eggs, they didn't think about making pancakes. They were not all the time demanding a non-stop supply. Sometimes there just wasn't.

When they returned from a two week stay by their (westernized) grandmother, it included a huge bag of candy that was consumed within 24 hours, without any parental intervention. They ate as much as they wanted whenever they wanted to. That was the clue for my question. When showered with abundance, there was a natural desire to consume. As soon as it was consumed, and it ended, no one asked for more. It was over. A place of lack had been created; the natural next step after abundance, which makes room for creation again. Inhale-be there- exhale.

It hit me that my whole way of being was so used to striving to be in a constant state of abundance, including having abundant sketch books so that no child would be without, ever, that I was not allowing for a natural "lack" to exist. That fear of being hungry, or being without, or death, or transformation, or losing what I have, was causing this backfire. If having or not having was one and the same, and the natural order of things was apparent and I truly could comprehend that there is no such thing as something ending, since in the ending was already planted the seed of the new creation, then I could detach with love at each moment.

And together with that understanding and release from the sketch book trauma I was in, everything changed. And I realized that even my thoughts must go through that trio!  That each time I find myself up against a wall or in a corner all dark and lonely, can I laugh and remember it too is part of the trio?