timing

Today I suddenly understood the response I have heard, but didn't quite understand it in depth to the phrase; it's not the right time.

As I walked over to ketuts house yesterday to see if I could get a ride with his wife to the major city an hour away, I noticed that all of the rubbish on the sides of the road was dry…the little waterways that are always running through the village in order to water the agriculture, were dry! And now that it was dry, what a perfect time to clean up all of the rubbish that just flows through the village to the sea. As I walked I began to imagine how over the next two months I can just clean this nice little village up, one day at a time.

My inspiration actually came from a memory of how once, when most of my community had debst and they just kept getting bigger and bigger and no one knew how we were going to get people to start to cut down on their buying and live within their salary. A new treasurer took position and had a very unique solution: erase all the debts, and everyone starts from zero…no debts…and that will give the people the impetus to stick to their budgets instead of saying "what difference does it make if I am 1,000 or 1,200 in debt….etc. it worked! I for one, was a bit resentful, since we weren't in debt! And I could have taken advantage of this gesture of cleaning the slate if I had been….but all in all it was a good decision and it helped. I thought that the same thing could happen with all of the rubbish; if we just get rid of the huge quantity that is already dirtying up the village, and they will be living in clean nature… .maybe they will think twice before throwing wrappers and garbage on the ground…maybe….

When I returned to the resort, with my new idea, I looked for madeh, to ask him if he is willing to speak with the mayor about it and that I will do it for free, but need lots of empty sacks that I can fill up and that he will make sure the rubbish is collected after I leave it in sacks along the path. Madeh's answer: it's not the right time. I looked at him, surprised! Here I am offering to clean up the whole village and "its' not the right time"?! and he gently explained that it will still take time to educate the villagers and the mayors willingness to put out a budget etc…and ,,,it's not the right time….i smiled…got it.

When I had met ketut when I returned on this visit and asked him how his plans for some new business' in tejakula were coming along, his response was "it’s not the right time". Ah….didn't quite get it, but, if you say so…I thought it was just a politically correct way of saying it isn't going to happen.

But today….i had to go to the immigration office to give my fingerprints for my visa. The immigration office is near the resort I had lived at previously and had left because of rats. And had also paid in axvance for the room, even though I did not live there for the month I had reserved it…I saw that I had some resentment still, after several months, about it being unfair that they didn't agree to return my money. I had turned to the international hotel association and asked for their help, but never received a response. I had written to the women who had represented me there….but never got a response. And today I had debated whether to go visit them while I am "in the neighborhood" and with some newfound assertiveness to try and get part of the $1000 back, and also let go of the resentment I felt towards these people who had been my friends, (or so I thought).

My solution for moments when I need clarity and don't have it, is to pray for guidance. I did not have clarity of how to travel to the immigration office and I did not have clarity of whether to go over to their resort and chance meeting them and bring up the past….i just didn't know what the issue really is here…am I just holding on to the past? Am I stingy with money? Am I learning how to clarify and communicate? Am I learning how to be assertive with men? Am I learning how to meet confrontation head on? So ….i prayed and let it go and figured "what ever will be will be".

After clarifying a few options for traveling, I chose the simplest one, just pay and get on an old run down van that goes by every hour or so and that's that. But at 3 in the morning when I was suddenly wide awake, I turned on the computer and found a response from ketut that "yes, I can go on the motorbike to singaraja with his wife at 6:30"….again waited for guidance and eventually, after clarifying my motive for leaving so early if my appointment is only at 11, the answer arrived. Yes, go, it keeps things simple. I laughed…if it hadn't been my sons birthday and I hadn't been afraid of being too senile to remember it later on in the day, I wouldn't have turned on the internet….i would have just laid in bed and fallen back to sleep…but "it WAS the right time" and so I got the ride I needed.

I arrived early, and decided to first go to the money exchange, which meant passing by the former resort…as I passed by I asked myself whether to get out….no…just continue…okay…I knew from previous experiences that I might at any moment meet some of the staff, passing by on their motorbike, or the Balinese woman I used to be friends with, and I just prayed; if I am supposed to meet someone, than I shall meet them….after changing money I took a van back, and again, as I was passing by the resort I asked myself if I should stop….the answer was "its not the right time", so I continued on to immigration. When I finished giving fingerprints and photo, I was ready to return to my own resort again, and crossed the main road. I decided to just stand exactly where I was, and not walk a bit to find some shade and just turned around in the direction of traffic to see if there was a van going by to take me to the terminal, 2 motorbikes passed and then a newish jeep and as I stand there I see the driver and front passenger are the owners of the other resort, and we both excitedly wave at each other, surprised at the synchronocity of it! They stopped the car, and we both happily met on the road. I entered their car and they were going in the direction I needed. We chatted at bit with small talk, filling them in on what I have been doing since I left them 4 months ago because of the rats. And then I felt a little stone in my heart towards them, and I knew "it’s the right time" and I shared my feelings and resentment with them about the $1000 that they never returned me.

The conversation was good. I felt simple, straightforward, friendly, but dissatisfied with their justifications. I knew this had nothing to do with them…this is my lesson in clearing old stuff from the past when I was too afraid of confrontation and anger and insulting that I preferred to just close down and feel like a victim and harbor resentment. The owner could easily be a lawyer….for every question or demand that I had, he had a smile and a very good defense…at a certain moment .i saw I was not going to get any refund, and there was no point in continuing the clarifying. At that moment I understood that here stands god, again, disguised as the owner, and what is he reflecting towards me for me to learn?

I thanked them both, was able to shake hands and part without the stone in my heart. I thanked god for the perfect timing…..i love it.

after i finished writing this entry, i just received an email saying that it was a mistake to go to the immigration where i was today, and now i need to take an 8 hour trip to the correct office....i see how i am not happy about it, mainly because of the additional expense. and when i thought about why this happened...i laughed and thought, all that, just so i could meet them and clean up our relationship face to face....huh...and instead of trusting that god has another perfectly timed day planned for me when i go to the correct office another day,i see that i feel "put out" instead of curious to discover what awaits me next time! i wonder how many times i have to see this, until something changes and each and everything will be perfect timing for the unfolding of my life at each moment, no matter what.