6 months ago i was shown a series of 5 tibetan exercises that are meant to insure a long healthy life. there are affirmations that go along with them. i have been practicing them daily ever since, and definitely feel a change for the good. while i was reading the affirmations this morning, one of them "jumped out at me" from the page: "i leave all negativity".
hmmm....i have been reading this same sentence for 180 days....what happened that today it suddenly became so urgent? i know that yesterday i had been through an e-mail interaction with the secretary who is taking care of my visa here in bali. she had notified me to go to a certain office at certain time and day and arrange something. i did it, but when i returned 6 hours later, it turned out she had sent me to the wrong office and i had to go again, to a place 8 hours away to and fro. she apologized for the mistake and sent me the new information.
i am not busy, every expedition is a fascinating experience for me, and i have all the time in the world. but the fact that this was going to cost me more money on a special cab, pissed me off. i knew i had to go there. period. but instead of just asking her what day and time, i made a point of telling her that i am not happy about the fact that it is going to cost me more money on traveling.
a series of e-mails followed with her profuse apologies and also the technical details. by the time we had finished our communication i was thanking her for all of her time and energy in accommodating me. something inside me "didn't feel right". i decided to consult nyoman about it all, because the taste was similar to what i felt also the day before after i had been assertive with mithas father telling him it was unacceptable to me that he had agreed on me paying the gamelon teacher money, without my consent. he changed the subject when i finished telling him that i was not happy about giving away all the money i had left to the teacher. then silence, then he said, "it is my fault" and i agreed with him, and then changed the subject to more pleasant things, satisfied that he had admitted he was at fault, a noble gesture in my eyes. but after that, i saw he avoided eye contact with me and the usual overt generosity and hospitality was tinged. the thought had come to me at night: i made him lose face. and here i was again having a need that the secretary REALIZE that i am not pleased that she made a mistake.
when i asked nyoman if "losing face" is as horrible here in bali as stabbing someone with a knife in the heart for us westerners....she smiled politely. even that was proof of this ingrain belief...because she wouldn't just come out and say yes, since that would have made ME lose face for having done that. so instead, the smile, and the lightness, and unity between us. i continued to question her , asking what does she do when she is angry with someone? smile, change the subject, since friendship is more important than this passing feeling of anger. it can only harm the person it is being directed at, and also me.
and i thought, yes, so she made a mistake. anyways i am going to have to go on the trip, regardless of whether i make her feel shame and blame for causing me additional travel expenses. and what did i gain from it? a boosting of the ego, of my self will, superiority, for a few seconds, and then, emptiness, and a taste of negativity. i thought; wouldn't it be nice to be able to make a mistake, and the other person would just say "no problem. i make mistakes too, when would you like me to go?"
i continued to ask nyoman how the other person will learn about their mistake if i am not assertive and point it out. she smiled again, "people know inside that they have made a mistake, and then they will not do it again, so it is nicer to keep the relationship good and each one slowly slowly feels good together again, without having made someone lose face."
i saw that she was right. i know i had to go through the stage of testing out my assertiveness with them all, but now, once i have tasted the price of it, i prefer to "leave all negativity"...at least by expressing it outwardly at the expense of someone being hurt by it...and instead try and focus on the mirror they are putting in front of me at that moment and to just recognize another character trait which no longer serves me and which i am willing to let go of.
i have been having many conversations with the guests that come here from all walks of life and from different places in the world; belgium, norway, germany, holland, switzerland, austria. we have all experienced the unpleasantness of being taken advantage of by the balinese financially. and try as i might i would like to believe that they are not bad or worse than any other nationality, and that there must be something here in their culture that i just still do not get. the man from norway gave me his copy of lonely planet bali to read, since i had so many questions about the culture and behavior. when i was finished reading it i felt really good. the authors were so positive, so aware of all the differences of western and eastern behavior, but they kept the focus on the friendly, smiling, open, devoted, talented nature of them. of course it is a travel guide, so you are not going to be discouraging people from visiting because of the shadow side of the people, but still i saw how important it is to stay positive, to leave all negativity. it can be revealed...and then smile.
the norwegian man had two suggestions that he gave me: smile while you say "no buying" as the hawkers try and sell you stuff or the little children beg for some coins. it works. and, that when they have picked from us, (the "money tree") it is not out of greed; but rather first of all they know that when you pick a fruit, more grow, so if they pick our money, more will grow for us .(which is true, thank god) and secondly, that all they really are doing is bringing a truer balance to the world; there are those that have too much (money) and those that do not have enough in order to live at a level of necessity, so what they are doing is actually good in the long run, for all involved. and now i am sure i will be given enough experiences in the next couple of days to PRACTICE leaving all negativity....how else can we learn a new skill, if not by having to practice it again and again....ahh...
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