the tattoo vow

My friend had gone through a painful and sad separation from his wife, finding himself as a single parent of three kids and moving out of his old house into a new one. He passed sleepless nights for months, while continuing to cope with the situation, and work at the same  time, in order to support his family and function. During this difficult period he turned to god often for guidance and help. He made a vow with god that when he will finally be able to sleep through the night again, he will make a tattoo in gratitude.

I met him 7 months after the separation. He had lost a lot of weight, and was not his usual light happy self. He told me about the sleepless nights and his vow. I was surprised about the concept! Why a tattoo of gratitude, and suggested maybe just a thank you and forget about the tattoo. I did not realize the seriousness of the vow at the time.

Over the past month of our living together in the same house, I saw how from day to day he began to laugh, and sleep better. In the beginning he would be out in the garden by 5:30 sweeping, disposing of the offerings from the previous evening, and watering, and caring for the cocks and roosters. But as the weeks passed, he was waking up just in time to get his daughter up and ready for school and I was taking care of the morning tasks more and more. Then came the first rainfall of the season two nights ago. Bucketfuls of rain from three in the morning until mid morning. I was up from the noise on the metal roof of the rainfall, but he and the kids were still sleeping when it was time for school. They eventually got up, said "oh, so wet!" and decided to celebrate by not going to school and going in late to work. I assumed all the kids had stayed home and there was no class. But later that evening he mentioned that the following morning his daughter would be bringing an offering to school in acknowledgment for the full moon, and would be wearing temple clothing instead of the school uniform.

So yesterday, when I rose, again before them, and beginning my morning tasks, and I saw that again they were asleep, I was a bit concerned. Does he have an alarm clock? What if she is late for school on this auspicious day? Should I wake them up or is that disrespectful to the Balinese? As I passed back and forth past their open bedroom door and saw the clock ticking away with less and less time for them to get dressed and out on time, I kept wondering how involved to get in their lives. With less than fifteen minutes to go until he wisks her off on his motorbike to school I decided to go into their bedroom and wake him up so he would know what time it was.

It took a minute or so as I repeatedly called his name until he suddenly sat up with palms of hands in a gesture of prayer and respect to me and opened eyes. I was surprised by his ability to be so focused upon awakening, even though he had done it during a nap a few days previously when I woke him up for a patient that needed him. I told him it is almost time for his daughter to go to school. He thanked me and I left the room, and they left more or less on time. No more words were spoken.

I knew he had the day off because it was Saturday, and was surprised that after taking her to school, he left the house for hours, leaving his younger 4 year old with me and his older daughter. I figured that he probably is just finally feeling his old self again after months of coping with the new circumstances alone, and just wanted some time to hang out with friends or whatever. I was happy that by my staying around the house, he was able to feel some freedom and do something other than work and single parenting. And so the day passed. In the evening he made a big fish grill for the whole extended family, for no apparent reason, and we all enjoyed.

This morning while I was speaking to him, I suddenly noticed that peeking out of his v-neck t-shirt were some blue and red colors of a tattoo! I stopped mid-sentence and said excitedly "You made a tattoo!"  And so he began to tell me the story.

"When you came into my bedroom yesterday morning and called my name in order to wake me up, I realized that I had finally slept a whole night after all these months of sleepless nights. When I opened my eyes and saw you I immediately remembered my vow to god, that if I will ever sleep through the night I will make a tattoo in gratitude. So I had to go this morning after I dropped my daughter off to school, and I sat there for two hours while he made this tattoo. I had to do it. Otherwise I would risk the anger of god and would not be keeping my word."

I asked if I could see it, and he pulled the v-neck to the side and showed me a very beautiful large tattoo that covered his entire right breast. "it is Pisces, my sign. I wanted to express the harmony I feel of a male and female so there are two fish here, the smaller one is the female and the larger the male. They are swimming in harmony like in the shape of a circle. I have placed it here on my right side since the right side is the side of the Light, opposite my heart. If I would have put it on my bicep, it would not have been stable. It must be here, very stable and in balance, and harmonious. It hurt so much when he did it, but now I am fine."

I asked if he had seen this tattoo by the man, or what. "No. I went and bought 2 needles to make sure they were sterilized. Then I went to my patient that does these very beautiful tattoos and told him my idea and asked him to please make a drawing first. Once I saw his idea and shared what needs to be changed; that the fish are nice and not with an open mouth, and they are together and beautiful, then we agreed and he began to draw it. Even though this way of doing it took much longer, it was important to me that my vow express my feelings of gratitude for how you have changed my life. If you did not walk into my room yesterday morning to wake me up, maybe I would not have paid attention that I had slept all night. I would have just woken up and started the day. So when you came into the room and called my name I knew it was god calling me. You are the first person to see it. I will wait three months until I show it to people at work, or take off my shirt if I play soccer. The Balinese believe that three months is the amount of time that represents acceptance. After three months, you can accept changes; a new baby, or anything. I do not care what people will think about this tattoo. Maybe they will be angry with me that I did it. I prefer that they be angry with me than that god be angry with me that I did not keep my vow. That is the important thing. Ever since my marriage ended I have had to deepen my connection with god. It is not something to play with. I must be serious. I am so happy now. There is harmony and balance."

And I had wondered whether or not to wake him up….

 

a sense of balance

One of the most prominent concepts of Balinese life is that of balance. Everything needs to be in a state of balance. When I walk on the road and the people ask me where I am going it is not because it matters to anyone, it is so the "map" of life will stay balanced once they put me in the right place. When I sit on the porch to meditate or draw I usually sit on the left hand side. My landlord suggested that if I sit on the left hand side in the morning for meditation, maybe in the afternoon when I prepare the offerings, I can sit on the right side? That way there will be balance. He also arranged the garden with a sense of balance by placing a black bamboo in one corner, and a yellow one in the opposite corner. And a black stone sculpture he made from rocks I brought from the sea, by one tree, and a combination of white ones by another tree. So it isn't that things are symmetrical, but they give a sense of balance.

The altars and holy places sometimes are wrapped in a white, grey and black checkerboard cloth, again symbolizing the balance between the forces of light and darkness. There is a recognition and an acceptance of both with no attempt to have either one dominating..,.just striving to keep them in balance, since that is the truth of things…at least here.

Last week I was sitting out on the front porch where I usually spend most of my days, just looking out at the forest and the garden, daydreaming. As I rose to pick some flowers for the offerings, two white butterflies flew near me doing a mating dance above and around the bushes as I watched the playfulness of it all. The next day the same thing happened with two other butterflies that were white and black striped. The following day, some big black butterflies were going from flower to flower. I realized that these are usually the colors of the butterflies I have seen here in bali in the north, where I live. Sometime I will see a small monarch one, orange and black colored….but it is rare. 

I laughed, wondering if even this sense of balance has had an impact on the insects, attracting especially those that are black and white? And come to think of it…almost all the dogs in bali are a combination of black and white! Nothing seems too farfetched these days….

the inner chamber

Each morning and evening when I place the offerings in the different places I make up a prayer of gratitude and of requests. So the words change each day, depending on what I feel at the moment I am standing there with the offering in my hand, opposite the permanent places I am placing them (the rice cooker, the rice  bin, the gas burner, the water from the faucet, drinking water, kitchen goddess (my nickname) the bedrooms and clinic, the motorbikes, the family altar out in the garden, and one on the ground for the lower spirits, the entranceway to the property, and another two for the lower spirits also at the entranceway,)

The family altar one Is like a little pagoda on a raised platform one of the offerings goes on the highest place; the roof. The other one for the family altar goes in the opening of the little square inner chamber, about 20 x 20 centimeters big. The pagoda is painted black on the outside and made from cement made from dark grey sand from the nearby sea.

Whenever I stand opposite that dark space, I ask myself what it means to me. What does it represent in my life? What does it say to me? What do I have to say to it? What does it awaken in me? Who am I speaking to there?

This morning as I looked inside it the realization came to me that this is that small dark space inside of me that I was always running away from. It was the place of nothingness, of darkness, of fear, of hunger, of the end, death. Whenever I would get near that place inside of me, I reached for a substance to numb the horror of it…anything, just not to have to feel that place. I could eat something, buy something, do something, anything….just not remain there, in the presence of that space, and still stay alive. That would be a living death. Unbearable.

I remember reading a short editorial by a friend who described that place as an opening, not of an ending. Of an entrance to something deeper, and not of a dark hole that would swallow me up alive. I remember being surprised and grateful that there could possibly be another option. Over the years I was curious to actually experience that, but never got to the root of it all.

So when I stood there this morning all of that passed through my mind, together with some experiences I had had the last couple of days. There was the realization that there is a continuous process of creation, preservation and transformation happening all the time, at a different pace in everything and that it is never one or the other, but a gradual passage from one into the other.  And that the creation phase is beginning while the destruction phase is happening. It is never only one or the other. So as my friend was removing the dead skin from my sore that was healing, the new skin was already being formed.

Together with that there is the moment when the destruction phase is in the lead. That is when everything seems like death and the escape by means of a substance is a quick fix for not having to feel that uncomfortable experience. One can never know how long it is going to last, and how dark it is going to get there, but I have begun to agree to witness it instead of running away. I feel how uncomfortable it is, how contracted I feel, how alone it is, how the life force is leaving, that I fear I can't continue on like this for too much longer. It is that same moment just before the baby is born where I knew the contractions were too much and I was just going to die with the next one, but the next one brought the new born baby that had been getting closer and closer to birth while I was getting closer and closer to death, in my gut feeling.

So as I stood there, and saw that dark small chamber I realized that we were slowly becoming friends. I understood that this is my own inner chamber. My own connection to my deepest feelings, my truest self and that it is safe, it is contained, it is in fact the reason for the outer pagaoda! That everything revolves around this inner space. That, yes, god is in every flower and the clouds and sea, and every person, but that my connection to this inner chamber and the presence and trust and listening that is there, is what allows everything outside of it to have meaning, to nourish me, to  bring me peace.

So yes, it is just a small dark chamber, but it can feel infinite and full and filled with light at the same time. That is what I understood this morning as I placed the small banana leaf square with some rice there and spoke with god.

odds and ends...

When children lose their teeth, the tooth is thrown up into the air if it is from the lower jaw, symbolizing strong teeth that will grow upwards. Those from the top row are buried in order to insure strong teeth that will grow strong downwards.

I thought until now that all the dogs here are as peaceful as the Balinese are, since they bark a little but then turn the other way, if you are a stranger passing by someones house. But my friend told me that most of them have been castrated so that they will stay close to home and since they don't have testicles the testosterone that normally makes dogs run after the females, and fight with other dogs and be aggressive (bite strangers) is no longer in their body, and they become quiet and peaceful.

The Balinese accompany people at night to their home so that they will not be on the road alone since the lower spirits are out between midnight and two a.m. My friend who is a doctor, once went to care for a patient in the middle of the night and declined their help to accompany him back home afterwards. But when he went to get on his motorbike he saw a huge angry giant standing in front of him. He saw it, and chose to acknowledge it but to continue to go home. His motorbike did not turn on so he had to push it downhill to start it. When he eventually got home he went to bed but when he awoke in the morning he felt weak. His body continued to get weaker and weaker over the next few days. His sister went to someone that "reads" energy and he told her that her brother had been out at midnight and saw the giant spirit who was angry that he dared to decline accompaniment home, as if he thought he doesn't need it! And that for his pride he was being punished by losing his inner power. He gave the sister some holy water for him to drink that he had brought from different temples that he had prayed at. Once his sister returned and told him the reason for his weakness, even though he had not told her about the giant he had seen, he drank the holy water and by the next day he was feeling healthy again. And now knows that awesome fear is important.

Balinese are not afraid of being murdered or killed or enemies, they are only fearful in regards to the spirits from the other worlds.

There is a teenager who has supernatural powers and people can go to him and he can see what the problem is and tell them what the cure is. My friends mother felt weak and achy last week and no matter what medication she received it didn't help her. After a while she slowly started to get better, but seemed to be without any spirit left in her. Her husband decided to ask the teenager what it was that she has, but they are waiting for an auspicious day to do so. The husband suspects that before she became ill she went alone to her family temple to make an offering for her ancestors, and possibly since she was alone there, some spirits went inside of her and caused the illness. So he awaits the antidote to it.

ways to heal

A few days ago, while doctoring a sore on my foot that started, I suddenly felt very achy and weak. I thought it was part of the surprise infection I had and didn't give it much thought and just went to bed earlier than usual. But during the night I realized that my whole body just ached and by the time morning came, I could barely move. I lay in bed and realized that I had no life force in me. It was a strange feeling. Something I take as a given, was no longer accessible. Also feeling nauseous, I realized that my best option was to just stay put, fast, and wait till it passed.

As I lay there falling in and out of sleep, I realized that even to lift my hand to pick up the glass of water next to me, was beyond me. I would have to concentrate on that intention for quite a while until slowly something inside of me managed to touch the glass and eventually get it to my mouth. It was such a strange feeling. Nothing really hurt anymore, just the disappearance of the ability to do anything. I lay there alone most of the day believing that it was getting better and not worse, and just sleeping.

 Unexpectedly the grandma came to bring me some starfruits. She found me in bed. Since our language of choice is that each of us speaks, knows the other one doesn't understand, but are sure that we are understood, and somehow it works. Silently, she began putting her palms on the exposed parts of my body; arms, legs…just kind of mushing them around a bit, just as natural as if it were her own body. Just the touch of her hands and her presence and casual manner of touching me already made me feel better. Still I lay there, unable to get up. She continued to sit on my bed. Just sitting…looking nowhere in particular. Silent. The next thing I knew she grabbed the hand broom I wisk my bed with each morning and started shooing something away in the space above and in front of her. She placed the broom back next to my bed and as she stood there I watched her "listening". She looked like someone trying to find a fly or mosquito that they hear but haven't found yet. Her eyes darted from right to left as she was motionless  but fully attentive to "something" in the room. After a few minutes she again took the broom and "cleared the air" around my bed, and finished with whoever she had shooed away,she left.

A  few hours later, when it was time to give the evening offerings, she entered my bedroom to place the flowers and incense in the altar over my bed. I watched her. When she finished she motioned me that she wants to bless me too. I managed to sit up, and in typical blessing position placed my palms upwards in front of me so that she could sprinkle the holy water on them for me to drink. When she finished the usual ritual she then continued with a handful of cooked rice which she wiped on my palms. She then repeated the movement collecting any actual pieces of rice that had stayed on my palms. She suggested that I shower.

When she left, I lay down again, and my palms automatically went to my heart chakra and solar plexus and rested there. I was familiar with the healing power of my palms on myself and others, but I had never realized that it is specifically our palms that have this healing power. It struck me as interesting that that would be the same place that the holy cooked white rice would touch in order to bring about a healing. It is also a major opening for receiving energy while practicing qigong to bring to the entire body. After a while I was able to get up and shower and changed my clothes. She sent over a small bowl of rice porridge (the Balinese equivalent to chicken soup if you are sick). It felt perfect in my empty stomach. I knew I was on my way to health. By morning I was again able to get out of bed with my own natural energy. Healed.

It was an interesting 30 hours, with many lessons learned. I had been so diligent with making the offerings every day, I couldn't figure out how some evil spirits had crept into the house and took me prisoner. But once I saw how the grama had swatted them out I realized they are part of reality and that it is just like weeds in the garden…they will always show up, and if allowed to stay, they multiply. If tended daily, they are removed and the garden stays healthy and attractive.

 The following night when I went to sleep I realized that I have indeed adopted many of the Balinese manners, other than sleeping with windows and doors closed and lights on and with your clothes on. I still kept my window and curtain wide open and slept in the dark, naked. But after witnessing the serious response of the grama to the invisible spirits, I figured I prefer to be on the safe side. Being without any power for one day was enough for me. So I closed my door and window and curtain and thought I would suffocate, since it is warm and I am used to sleeping with an open window always. And then I realized why they have a very intricately carved piece of wood above each window….so that the air comes in but the spirits stay out. And to my surprise, instead of feeling claustrophobic, I awoke in the morning with a feeling as if I had been asleep in a cocoon, safe and sound and in sync with the natives.